Teenage fears getting worse

[ByPlumHam]

First time poster here - and hoping for a different perspective/advice / reassurance. I have a teenage daughter (nearly 17) who appears to have fears and anxieties that are growing arms and legs and snowballing out of control - which is making my life more restrictive now than she was growing up. I’m beginning to feel so resentful. Which I hate admitting - even worse seeing it written down.

She hates school but goes but isn’t really part of a friendship group. She isn’t up for making arrangements with the friends she has because they are all part of different friendship groups ‘as they’ll be busy’. She is always at home - we’ve tried looking for a part time job but nothing found so far. She says she wakes up every morning with the thought ‘oh I should be happy but what am I dreading and goes through a list until
she finds something. ? Is she depressed (don’t like labels on someone so young ). She has an open day for a course she has been conditionally accepted for but she is dreading/worrying about it. Why she can’t tell me. I wonder if she is worried about that, how will it be when she comes to go in October. She won’t stay over at friends or her grandparents even for a night to
allow us to go away a night. It actually sent her in to a near on panic attack as I mentioned I may book a night away for myself and her dad for his birthday at the end of the year. She has had sleepovers before but slowly stopped going so stopped being asked. She won’t go to bed before us or after us only at the same time. We have no time together at all. Then I hear how wonderful
everyone else’s kids are doing and where and what they are doing and I feel so
down that I can’t seem to help - that she feels like she does (must be horrible) and so resentful and suffocated at the same time. Help /advice appreciated. Thanks

It does sound quite extreme. My starting point would be to get her looking after herself. Going to regular exercise, out walking in the hills or the beaches with you. If she likes dogs get her on borrow my dog. Make sure she is eating and drinking well. I would get her some sort of therapy talking and possibly something relaxing like massage or reflexology.
I would limit her screen time on her phone if she is using that a lot as it is so anxiety inducing.
She could be clinically ill or it could be that being her age is just shit I always tell my teens that being a teenager is the hardest point in your life and it gets better. Counter the people that keep telling them this is the best age (it really isn't!)

She's sounds like she has anxiety, not depression. Her worries are at such a level it's causing her to be disabled by them. Has she seen the GP about it? What do school say about her? Can you afford private therapy for her?

Thanks so much for replies. We’ve been to the GP and had some therapy through school but when I was asking her yesterday about had she been given strategies to reduce her worries she either hadn’t or had dismissed them. I feel she is going to miss out on so much or is missing out on so much. The comment it’s disabling is spot on.

Can you afford any sessions with a private therapist?

I’ve messaged one since I started this post. I suggested this yesterday to D but she doesn’t like talking about her feelings and she thinks it’s just her and it will get better as she gets older. I just see it getting worse. But the comment of it disabling her has so ring true so think it may be a bit of tough love.

There are two main ways that talking therapy can work. The first teaches strategies to deal with the problems as you mentioned. It's generally the type of therapy most widely offered (CBT and it's derivatives.) But it doesn't click for everyone and might not work for your DD.

The other type of therapy is harder to access via public services, it focuses less on dealing with the symptom and doesn't offer strategies. Instead it seeks to offer understanding of the causes, with the idea that with greater understanding, the symptoms reduce. This is psychoanalytic psychotherapy, it's offered in some CAMHS services and adult services, but thresholds are high. Going private might be a better option if you have the funds. Look for an ACP registered therapist

People mean different things by 'tough love'. It's certainly helpful to push her gently to do what she's currently capable of, so that she doesn't become more restricted going forward and to slowly stretch her to do more, so that she sees she's able of more. And knows that her loved one's believe her to be a functional person too. But when I said she was disabled by her anxiety, there's no blame or responsibility there. Just an observation. More robust tough love might not be appropriate, but as I say, I don't know how you mean it

Have you thought about medication? My DD (almost 17) has been on fluoxetine for over a year. It hasn’t completely removed all anxieties but has reduced them to a more manageable level and she has been able to find joy in things and adapt to a new and challenging college environment. It also made her more open to therapy. Good luck, it sounds v hard for you all.

She is spiralling and refusing to try and help herself and you need to understand why. Have you at any point had any concerns around neurodiversity. It’s not a remedy per se but my DD was heading this way and ADHD meds really did help. We also focused on as other posters said the fact that teen years aren’t always great - they can be bloody hard

I think firstly it's fantastic that she's talking to you, so lots of praise for that. Tell her how proud you are of her generally and point out to her and remind of anything positive in her life or anything she's achieved. Be really positive and encouraging with her basically.

She needs to get out of this mindset of waking up and looking for something wrong in the mornings. Without knowing her it's hard to know what the best alternative would be, there are loads of things she could obviously do rather than that though so I'd talk to her about what she could do instead. ie get straight up and put some music on, go for a walk, think of something that she's looking forward to (doesn't have to be happening that day) etc

She needs to know that she really isn't alone in feeling like this. Talk to her about how friendships at secondary school are often a minefield and that things generally get much easier as you get older (as she thinks). Talk to her about anxiety and how normal it is to feel anxious - give some examples from your own life perhaps.

Talk about finding out as much as she can in advance about things to make them seem less stressful (ie researching the open day) how breaking down what she's worried about into smaller chunks if possible might help ie going to observe others doing a new hobby, talking to the person running it when no one else is there to ask about it, joining for part of a session etc. Not putting pressure on herself to always get things right first time, recognise that she is feeling anxious about something, but do it anyway and then feel proud that she has done it despite knowing she was anxious about it (even if it doesn't come off/work out, she tried and that was an achievement).

What does she love/enjoy? What does she want to do at uni? It sounds like she really could do with some hobbies and voluntary work to keep her busy and give her something else to think about apart from school. I would be encouraging her and helping her to find some hobbies and voluntary work that she either just enjoys or that is relevant to what she wants to do. Forget paid work, it's more stress she doesn't need right now, especially if she's struggling to find anything, she'll just feel more of a failure.

I would talk to her about the open day again and ask her if she's feeling anxious because there will be loads of people there she doesn't know, or worried that she won't like it, worried that she'll be put on the spot or asked to do something she doesn't think she can - or all of the above! It's easier to deal with a worry if you can work out what it's about.

Will she be at the open day alone or will you be there too? If you'll be there then reassure her of that, say how much you're looking forward to it and be really positive, remind her of why she wanted to go there in the first place. If she's going alone then tell her she doesn't have to speak to anyone if she doesn't want to but that a lot of the others will be feeling very similar to her. Remind her of why she wants to go and the things she should look out for or things she might want to see.

Is her grandma nearby? You need to start small steps, not with you going away somewhere and her left there. Have her stay for the evening and you pick her up at bedtime, then once she's happy and comfortable with that then have her stay over night while you're nearby and on the end of a phone. Reassure her that she can phone you at any time of the night and that you will be there to talk to her and reassure her.

I have one with ASD OP so all this is very normal to me. She needs a lot of very gentle encouraging/pushing of small steps to enable her to see that she can do it. But take it at her pace because she needs to feel secure. The more secure she feels the more she will be able to achieve. Help her find and take the small steps to get where she needs to be.

My DD of roughly the same age was similar to yours two years ago. Very anxious all the time and school refusing. Never went out anywhere and sat in her bedroom a lot. Also didn't like me going out/away for work etc. We organised CBT therapy privately and the therapist recommended that we ask our GP for short-term medication. She was prescribed fluoxetine and took it for 3 or 4 months and the therapy and meds combined helped her to recognise and articulate that she wasn't happy at school at all for various reasons. We were lucky enough to be able to find her a place in another school - she's in her second year there now and honestly, is like a different person. She has a great friend group, a boyfriend and a full social life. In fact, I can't keep her in to study these days. The transformation is literally unbelievable. Her therapist told me that she doesn't normally recommend meds, but in the case of my DD, felt she really needed it to kick start her recovery. Wishing you all the best. PM me if you like.

That’s all so helpful and all very supportive and thoughtful. Given me lots to think about Her dad is going to the open day with her, so that is good but even with that it’s on her dread list. I find that so sad. I find it so tricky as although we chat a lot and she can talk to be it all seems to be getting worse and she is so resistant to trying anything new. Meaning hobby, approach or therapy. I guess she is stuck in a rut with it, which I know I have been in the past.

I just asked my 22-year-old daughter what she thought of the anxiety epidemic because she used to suffer from anxiety. She said the best thing we did for her was limit her phone use and help her find a job. Apparently, I told her I would stop paying for her phone if she didn't get a job, so she had to face her fear and get out there. (I never stopped paying for her phone). Anyway, getting a job as a server made her practice talking to people and helped her immensely. Whilst therapy and medication may help, I also think we facilitate a lot of it as parents, and we need to stop, for the benefit of our children. Let your daughter be stressed about you going away for a night. If you change your plans to accommodate her, you are feeding the beast. The friendship thing is difficult, but if she gets confident in other areas, this may gradually resolve itself. But limiting her phone usage could help pretty quickly. Does she have her phone with her overnight? If so, stop that. Does she use it as a crutch? Stop that too. Social media is awful for feeding anxiety. We, as parents, can definitely help with that piece too.

In one of your messages you said that your DD is assuming it will get better but you're worried that it won't. I wanted to let you know that I knew a 17 year old who stuck like glue to his parents, wouldn't use public transport, struggled on days out because he wanted to get home, was unable to leave home to go to uni, didn't socialise with people his own age.

A few years later he is unrecognisable. Moved out of home, working in a graduate job, has a GF, has friends, travels widely. So it is worth having hope and expressing that hope to your daughter.

It's difficult to say exactly what helped to turn it around. Possibly enforced 'stay at home with your parents' during covid might have given him the push he needed to branch out when the restrictions lifted. I think attachment issues might come into play. Was your DD in FT nursery when she was a toddler? With this young man, it was almost like he needed to feel fully attached to his parents before he was ready to cut the apron strings. They accepted that and didn't push him away and eventually he was ready to do it himself.

So grateful for all your comments. I am hopeful the move from school to uni helps - a bit of a clean slate, which is how my DD has described it too. But my concern is that her anxiety gets in the way. Waiting to hear back from a therapist. Also going to suggest some volunteering and try to reduce screen time. I know I’m guilty of it too so would help us all!

I do agree with this….. to a point. We regularly push our DD16 out of her comfort zone and also forced her to get a job over Christmas. That definitely helps

Mine was the same, in the end medication was the saviour, sertraline, she is now living her life, there is hope

It does sound like significant anxiety.

I had severe anxiety at her age and at one point became agoraphobic and couldn’t leave the house, my parents really didn’t know how to help.

In the end what helped me was leaving college and working in a very boring shop for a year. I think the routine helped me and I also started eating more which helped as I had lost some weight.

I also found self help books useful, I remember one I read was called feel the fear and do it anyway but there were others and they all helped.

By the time I was 19yo I had found a lot more confidence and did some travelling before going to uni.