15 year old not at home

[OneLivelyMoose]

Hello,
Our 15 year old son is going through a very worrying time of hardly coming home and not attending school. We have an idea of where he is staying at various mates places during the week and weekend. We don't know these mates. He did a short course last year as an alternative to school but with the new school year has not gone back to school or is not engaged in any work.

We have a meeting with school next week to look st options but it is extremely hard to engage with our son when he is not home . He doesn't respond to messages unless to say where he is and switches off all Life 360 etc. Any conversations of what his plans are ends with him shutting down the conversation with aggression or just saying I don't know. Over the past month he has become more and more withdrawn from the family.

This disengagement has been going for on for about a year with good stages where he has been communicative but things are sliding again. He is avoiding being at home for any conversations he just can't handle it.

As parents we have seen psychologists to try and get some strategies, have engaged the police before when we don't know where he is.

We are trying to keep home a safe and non confrontational space. We are not giving him any money but still pay for his phone on advice from the police as we can still maintain contact.

He definitely has some undiagnosed mental health issues but refuses to go and see anyone. He is also smoking weed which obviously doesn't help his mental health we are terrified there is other drug use going on. We have tried to talk to him about this but he list shuts down any conversation and says he is fine.

We gave another online psychologist appt next week to help us as parents. But feeling very helpless and so sad about the situation

Our son comes from a loving and supportive home nothing has changed in our household

Has anyone else been through this with their teen ? We feel like we are losing him.

Where is he getting money for weed? Do you think he’s involved with the moving or selling drugs?
Does he have any hobbies he could be pushed back into? Would he do a weekend job? Any family holidays Booked? He needs to be kept away from these people as much as possible.

Thanks for the message. Yes I would say he is probably selling weed we have had proof of that in the past. He doesn't smoke at our house. The only proof of selling has been through a profile on Telegram.

He was really into sport and had a part time job which he excelled at up until a year ago when things starting to slide. He has done some work trails with great feedback frlm Employers in January these have been to get an apprenticeship and leave school but has only lasted 2 days before he finds a reason not to go back. It seems he has lost capability of seeing anything through recently.
We did have a family holiday in December which was great just the 5 of us parents and siblings and he was good and happy to communicate. We thought that was a turning point but a few weeks back from that holiday same habits emerged.
I have thought of taking some leave from work and just taking him away somewhere for a reset this has been mentioned to him but he won't agree to come.

Thanks for the advice I agree he needs to distance himself from his mates but how do we install that or make it happen.

I am so sorry this is happening for you. We have been in a similar situation with our dd, though she did refuse to come home sometimes it was not as regular as your son. We involved the police when we had no idea dea where she was and although when she reached 16 they would not force her to come home it put her on their radar which wasn’t a bad thing. We self referred to ss and involved the school. Drugs were involved, not selling but using. This accounts for much of the behaviour including the dishonesty and aggression but the use of drugs definitely began due to poor poor mental health which was not at all apparent in childhood and like yourself we are a pretty normal family. I really believe in letting other agencies know become it was something we couldn’t handle alone. Practically often there was not much they could do but I got advice and even counselling from ss and I really felt less alone as as far as I knew in my friendship group no one else was experiencing the same thing . I have no advice really that is helpful- we are a few years along , not out the woods, but better.

Have you contacted the school nursing team and SS? They, along with police, will want to safeguard him. And school Safeguarding should be involved too. Get everyone involved while he’s still classed as a child