How to improve relationship with teenage son (15, 16 soon)

[TheWestWealdInn]

Hi,

I am having a difficult time with my teenager son. He is 15, will be 16 in May, and my relationship with him has gone downhill.

A bit of background: 10 months ago, my DH and father of DS, left me after 20 years and 15 years of marriage. It was very sudden and I was completely blindsided by it. He told me he was leaving (he said he had been very unhappy for many years - he had never mentioned this to me previously). The breakup was very hard for me, we bought a house only three years ago and I work for my husband. DH moved out 2 weeks after ending the relationship.

In the first 6-8 months, exDH hardly saw DS, maybe 2-3 times month, for one night at at time. They are now spending a bit more time together. DS and DH have always got on well, no problems there. The only issue is that DH would avoid any conflict with DS while we were together, so DS sees me (and has always seen me) as the "bad guy" when it comes to discipline and unpopular stuff like school etc.

In the past couple of months, DS has started to become very dismissive and disrespectul of me. I have tried to remain calm tell him that I won't tolerate that kind of behaviour, but it has now reached the point that DS does not want anything to do with me. In the beginning, we had said that DS would live with me after the sale of the house, but now DS is saying he can't stand me and doesn't want to live with me. I have told DS that I will support him with any decision he makes, but of course I am heartbroken. I understand that exDH is more "fun" and they never argue, but that is mainly because my exDH does no real parenting,they just spend a couple of hours together and go on fun days out. Anything to do with school and discipline was always my job.

My main question is: How do I improve my relationship with DS? I have asked him what he wants to do in his free time (cinema or other stuff), and he says he doesn't want to spend any time with me at all.

He is also only rude and dismissive to me, anywhere else he is polite and I am often told he is really sweet and a delight. I also realise that at this age, his friends and has dad are important and that DS needs to find his own way, but I have always given him (age-appropriate) freedom and I have not been stifling him.

I could really do with some advice on how to improve our relationship. Thanks!

I understand you feeling hurt and get the dynamic of the 'fun parent', but maybe you should just let him go and figure it out for himself. It might not be so much 'fun parent' when he's living there full time and his dad is getting irritated by him, you know, being a teenager.

He's got two parents and he can always come back to you, when he grows up a bit and starts to value you.
Let him go.

This is a journey he has to go on himself.
Just let him go.
Obviously tell him your concerns and tell him you will miss him and you love him. But also say it's up to him and you'll support him going to live with dad. Say that he is welcome back home with you any time he wants.
And then you wait. Because life with dad will not be a bed of roses as he's imagined it. Hopefully realising the effort you make for him by truly understanding the effort his dad does not make, when he is living there every day, will mean that in the next couple of years your relationship will strengthen.

I agree with PP’s, let him go and live with his Dad and just be there for him when he needs you. 💐

Thank you everyone 💐

I have already told DS that it his choice and that I will miss him very much but that I will support him in whatever he chooses.

He can't move in with his Dad until the house is sold (and that will take anything between 4 and 6 months. His Dad is renting and doesn't have space for DS, and he can't afford to move at the moment), so my question really is how do I improve things with DS, since we will still be living together for a while. Not with the aim of influencing his choice, but he is currently rejecting almost anything I say or do.

He currently wants to do everything by himself (e.g. cooking), which I am happy to support. He doesn't want any help and he has said he wants me to do nothing for him. At the same time, he also says that I don't do anything for him and that I don't want to spend time with him anyway. I think this is probably to be expected at his age, but I don't know if this is standard teenage behaviour or if this is extreme?

Do I just need to take a massive step back and let him do his own thing while still being there if he needs me? The more I think about it the more I think that might be best for the moment.

God, I’ve been through this! The good news is that they do come back, and they do eventually realise their behaviour was shite.
At that age, they act instinctively, fuelled by hormones, a brain that’s still developing and their dads’ lack of parenting.

He acts as if his dad’s leaving is your fault and is punishing you for it. Mine knew full well it was her dad’s actions and behaviour that broke the marriage, and still punished me for it: they take it out on those closest to them.

What I did was continue to be her mother. You don’t bring me the washing from your room, there is no washing. Have some salad with that, you need to have a balanced meal. You are behaving at school, or I’ll come and sit in the class with you. Do you need new shoes? Shall I make you some pizza for when your friends come round? I love you more than anything in this whole world. Planting kisses on the back of her head. Tucking her in in the middle of the night. Making her get a Saturday job.

Mine always talked when I was driving.
Hugs. It was hell. But these days she comes round, like she did two days ago, cause ‘I miss my mum, I brought dinner, shall we watch a movie?’

Thank you 💐It's good to hear that he might come back. It's a hard and challenging phase for sure.

I'll continue to be supportive and let him figure it out himself. I have been very stressed in the past year due to the breakup, issues with the house and my father having cancer. I probably have to look after myself a bit more and make sure I am less stressed.

I do think you need boundaries and being rude and disrespectful is not on from your ds. I would try and keep calm and keep offering to do things but hold firm on the disrespect. I remember ds at that age saying he could do what he liked, wanted to be completely independent, he did this in the car while scrolling on his phone. I said fine, am happy to go with that but please hand over your phone as I pay for it and you now want nothing from me. It lasted a day before he backed down! Let him go to his dads if he wants but keep all doors open.

Thank you 💐

Yes to calling him out on disrespectful behaviour. I do that (I usually manage to stay calm) and he also says the same thing: he can do what he wants and that he doesn't care. I have told him that he can always live with me, I hope he also listens.

Teenage boys are difficult, especially when you're a single mum. I've been through some very rough times with mine, but I've yet to meet one that has it in him to decline a McDonalds drive through.
It's become a thing I do with DS18 every Saturday morning. Sometimes the only conversation is what the order will be, other weeks we get deep and meaningful. He's in charge of the playlist but if I think of something he'll like I share it.
It's not much in the big scheme of things, but it's everything at the same time.

Thank you💐

Teenagers go through a stage called individuation... basically pushing the parent away. They are testing boundaries, as a parent it is hard but important to be steadfast and there to be pushed away.
Teenage brains are like toddler brains, the neurons melt and reform, think of him as a bigger three year old - impulsive, irrational, emotionally disregulated etc. For the parent it is trying, (evolutionarily makes it easier to say goodbye when they leave home).
With everything else that's going on it sounds like your son is acting out this phase more strongly than most.
It sounds like you are doing a really good job, holding clear fair boundaries, letting him know that you're there and love him whatever and thinking of ways to support and be close to him.
No specific advice but wanted to offer reassurance.
It's hard, look after yourself, 💪💐

Tell me about it @allgrownupnow . I’m the most embarrassing person on earth to my DS (16). But then he suddenly gave me a big hug yesterday and randomly complimented me, telling that I look young for my age!
Talk about unpredictable! 🤣

I’ve been there and found it heart breaking. I have just typed a much longer response but it is upsetting me so much to remember, I’ve had to delete it.

No break up here, but DH and I fulfil different roles in our family- similar to yours. DH is matey and fun and I am the education and boundaries one. We both love him unconditionally. My son and husband adore each other.

Now he is 22, he understands that he needed both of us loving him in our different ways. He knows he has a profession, degree and the opportunity to earn a decent wage because I pushed the school/ homework angle and if it had been left to his dad, he’d have left school at 16 with a couple of GCSEs. He is very grateful for this now.

I have two pieces of advice- don’t sweat the small stuff- tidy room, haircuts, vegetables. In the big picture, that stuff doesn’t matter as much as him growing up a decent human being.

I did challenge the nastiness and what felt like contempt he had towards me, but not all the time- sometimes I’d leave him be rather than escalating the argument.
I told him all of the time that I loved him and would always love him and took the chances I had to thank or congratulate him on any small acts of kindness or achievements. There would be times when his behaviour had a consequence- such as a phone confiscation, but that had been established years before.

It’s almost a certainty that the decisions of his father have led to his anger towards you. Does his father know/care about how your son is towards you? If he does, work together on this. If not then you could speak to your son about the relationship breakdown in a factual way, explaining it is not what you wanted and you feel devastated by it, but it is what it is and you are doing all you can to minimise the impact on his life. Tell him that dad has made what he feels is the best decision for his life, but it hasn’t changed how you feel about him, or about his dad and your time together. It’s has changed your lives but you don’t regret a minute of the relationship because it gave you him in your life.

I am out of the storm now, my son is mostly kind and caring and growing into a lovely man- though he does still have his moments.

Thank you all for your kind words and great advice.

I like the idea if thinking og him as a bigger three year old toddler - that makes sense!

I have told my ex that DS is going through a challenging phase with me. It's not that my ex doesn't care, but he also would not get involved. He would do anything to avoid conflict and he sees this as a issue that I need to work through with DS.

Things have improved a bit this weekend, I'll try and have a chat with DS when I catch a good moment.

Thanks again everyone 💐