boarding school!

[Rosbo]

DD2 - 15yrs is driving me nuts as you will know if you've read any other bulletins posted by me. She needs independance but not too much and she needs rules. I however have a 3yr old and another one the way in september and I just am unable to do this. Do you think I should send her to a boarding school for sixth form? Would this teach her independance? I think she would enjoy it actually. Just would miss her an awful lot!

Hi Rosbo, that said, you must have your reasons. Can you go into details here? Or would you like to chat off-line (am no expert, but we have DCs the same age) I'd need to set up a hotmail address first but cat me if you don't want to say more on here.

Rosbo - you say this isnt a second family scenario, but tbh, when you have a huge age gap between kids like this, then there are parallels with having a second family. Your 15 year old had a long time of being the 'baby' and she's bound to feel displaced to some extent with a toddler and another baby on the way. Even in the most well adjusted and harmonious family, I think age gaps like this must be an enormous pressure. Teenagers usually go through a period of being quite difficult to live with; they have all kinds of conflicting emotions, they are often hugely stressed about exams, their future (even when they act like they dont give a shit!) and they actually need very careful handling. At the same time, you have a toddler and a baby on the way, who are equally demanding but in a very different way. And from what I've seen of people in this situation (usually parents of teenagers I teach who go on to have another baby) it's usually the new baby that gets more input and attention simply because the physical demands of a toddler/baby are often easier to deal with than the emotional demands of a teenager. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but I've seen it quite a few times. Mum and dad have another baby when older kid is in their teens, and the default position seems to be that if anyone's going to lose out, then it'll be the teenager.
I agree with Quattro - i think to raise the idea of boarding school is about your feelings, not necessarily hers. In the long term she could feel resentful and rejected. She probably wouldnt hate it (boarding schools these days can be fairly forward looking) but that doesnt mean it's better than being at home. Yes, she would learn some fairly practical skills such as doing her laundry, managing her time, but tbh, shouldnt you be teaching these skills as her parent?

It was meant to be a helpful suggestion, based on previous threads I have read by rosbo. But I agree with everything alfiesbabe has said.

I spent a short time at boarding school myself (language learning). This was an excellent school with good rules and a great ethos- but like families, schools aren't exempt from problems.

Yet it is easier to develop problems unspotted when you are in a house of hundreds of girls under a Matron than when you are at home with a family that's known you from birth.

Several of my class had severe eating problems which got very bad before they were identified and treated. Partly, they seemed to be fuelled by the feeling that they had been dumped by their parents, that they weren't really wanted at home.

Alcohol and drugs are always going to be available. And if it's difficult to talk about embarrassing things with your Mum, it's not necessarily going to be easier to approach your teacher.

It sounds as if your dd has some issues. Those aren't going to go away if she goes to boarding school. It may be that she will get more support there than you can give her at home, it may be that she will get less. But it seems pretty clear that if she feels she is being dumped, then she won't open her mind to any support going.

So I agree with the others. If she goes, the suggestion must come from her.

Very true cory. Many people don't realise that these sort of issues are rife at boarding schools. There's a lot that goes on pretty much unnoticed on the surface. Definitely if the idea hasnt come from the OP's dd then it could be disastrous.

As a boarding school veteran, I will say that I absolutely loved it, BUT

1. The academics were poor given the resources and abilities of the students

1. Drug use was widespread

1. It was co-ed and despite having a "six-inch rule" the level of promiscuity, now I look back on it, was frankly staggering

1. Eating and emotional disorders pretty common too

Have you talked to your daughter yet Rosbo? How is she feeling?

rosbo, my dd (15 now 16) was all set to go to sixth form here in our town last september.

we discovered by chance a boarding school (we are not in UK) with a technical course in her most favourite subject. She was completely hooked on the idea from the moment she looked at their website.

So, although we worried she might be too young, we let her go. She is not remotely academic and a little irresponsible (though not into alc or grass as far as we know!!!), the deal was that she could go as long as she actually studied. If not she would be home again in a flash.

She adores the place and is focussed on the future and maybe university. She would have been bored stiff at the local 6th form college. and you know when teens are bored....anything can happen.

We make a big fuss of her when she comes home, send her goodie parcels, call her often, tell her we're proud of the way she's managed.

We have two younger kids in the house so I do wonder if she's not had enough attention over the years. Still, I really know she's happy there, and happy when she comes home.

the key is - she really really wanted to go!

if you can find something/somewhere your daughter desperately wants then you might be on to a winner.

What about weekly boarding as a kind of compromise? If nothing else you will know that there will be some supervision of homework during the week, so you won't have to spend the weekend fighting about it. She gets her bit of independence, but is less likely to feel rejected, you get a bit of space and time with the younger kids and you might miss each other enough to have a nicer time together at the weekends. A friend did this with her daughter and everyone was happy.

Well, looking at where you are geographically, you have plenty of options, as there are loads of good schools that board with sixth forms near you.

I went to one in Hampshire for sixth form, which is a state sixth form, but with boarding houses for some students, such as forces kids, specialist musicians and the students from the Falklands go there for sixth form. It's called Peter Symonds,in Winchester, and I loved every minute of it. It's 24 years since I left and I'd go back like a shot now!

The key here is that it is a sixth form, and as my school didn't do sixth form, I had to change anyway, so went there. I would begin to float the idea perhaps this summer as you have to talk to her about sixth form options. Just get a whole load of prospectuses from different places and talk to her about choices post 16, as it is really important that she gets it right. I would only move her post 16 at this stage, as moving in the 2 GCSE years is setting her up to fail.

I found that year 9-10 were the worst years with the kids I taught and that by the September when they began year 11, the majority had grown up over the summer holidays and were reasonable people. She may surprise you yet! Good luck in whatever you decide. I have no problem with boarding schools at all, as a Forces family, they are obviously part of life and if your child knows that their being there is a calm and considered decision made by you all, then they will thrive.