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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DD and boys

10 replies

Silverumbrella · 18/02/2025 09:36

My brain is fried atm with perimenopause, caring for an elderly parent with dementia and parenting two teens, I just hope I'm supporting my DD as much as I can right now.

DD16 turns 17 in May.

We have a close relationship and she tells me a lot. She is still a virgin and says she only wants to lose her virginity to the right person, at the right time and only when she is ready. Most of her friends have lost theirs and regret who they lost it to. Many have boyfriends and DD says they do 'stuff' with them that DD would currently not be happy doing (with a huge amount of porn about these days. I'll leave that to your imagination).

DD gets a lot of attention from boys her age via Snapchat etc and likes to chat. Most are local lads and from her old school/college.

However, after a while so many become quite possessive in the way they talk (wanting to know exactly who else she talks to/asking her to delete all other boys from her contacts...) and some have even started throwing in a lot of emotional blackmail her way. One boy said she was his only friend and that his dad hits him and she must never stop talking to him. Another lad who she was very close with at school has found out she is dating someone and now keeps telling her he can't live with this information and is cutting himself every day and sending her photos of his arms with marks over them. She had quite a close relationship with this lad at secondary school and feels bad for him.

She started a weekend job in October and got chatting to a boy who.is her age and always on the same shift. They get on really well and chat a lot (both at work and online every evening). I have met him a few times now and he seems a nice lad, very polite. They decided to start officially dating a month or so ago but as soon as they did he went out and purchased condoms (he is a virgin too) assuming they'd have sex right away. DD says this has put her off a bit because all he now keeps asking is when will they be having sex. She has told him she is not ready yet and wants to take things slowly. He then started talking about oral and said he'd make it easier for by drinking pineapple juice (god knows what he's been reading about blow jobs!).

Tbh, DD is quite a young minded 16 year old and just wants to go out and have fun right now, to date and have a laugh. This boy doesn't want to go anywhere, he either wants to come to ours and hang out in her bedroom or for her to go to his. He has asked her to go round his today but his parents are at work. She's not keen and neither am I. I've suggested they go into town, watch a film or have pizza somewhere etc but he's not keen. He seems more keen to lose his virginity right now.

I've suggested they aren't compatible at this moment in time and she should end it but she says she likes chatting to him, they get on well and if she finishes things they have to work together which is going to be very awkward and it's so hard to find teen work in our area.

I don't know what else to suggest other than for her to stick to her guns. I've told her it's her body, her rules and if he can't accept that right now then they aren't right for each other.

There's not much more advice I can give, is there?

OP posts:
buffyfaithspikeangel · 18/02/2025 10:12

I think that's all you can do, she's going to have to decide when to end it (personally better now early on and try and stay friendly than later..)
Just make sure she doesn't end up in a situation where she feels pressured or she can't get out of

We had a code word (still do!) as a family, and it was always "say the word and I'll come get you/pay for a taxi/ring you with an excuse"

I used it twice as a teen but I could ring my dad at 3am now and he would be scrambling to get to me

Silverumbrella · 18/02/2025 10:19

buffyfaithspikeangel · 18/02/2025 10:12

I think that's all you can do, she's going to have to decide when to end it (personally better now early on and try and stay friendly than later..)
Just make sure she doesn't end up in a situation where she feels pressured or she can't get out of

We had a code word (still do!) as a family, and it was always "say the word and I'll come get you/pay for a taxi/ring you with an excuse"

I used it twice as a teen but I could ring my dad at 3am now and he would be scrambling to get to me

We have a family code word too, I really hope she doesn't need to use it but she knows I (or DH) will there for her should she need us.

OP posts:
Lurkingandlearning · 18/02/2025 10:43

I suppose it’s time for the talk about coercion because, to me, he is already putting pressure on her although not as blatantly as the other boys.

It’s such a shame they work together but better to learn that dating a coworker is a terrible idea now, at her Saturday job, than once her career begins

48wheaties · 18/02/2025 10:52

Lurkingandlearning · 18/02/2025 10:43

I suppose it’s time for the talk about coercion because, to me, he is already putting pressure on her although not as blatantly as the other boys.

It’s such a shame they work together but better to learn that dating a coworker is a terrible idea now, at her Saturday job, than once her career begins

I agree with this. Sadly, a lot of decent teen girls will find themselves coerced because the lads are keen to lose their virginity/have sex so they can show off to their mates. It's a tale as old as time, and the porn industry has not helped.

The OPs dd sounds very sensible, and yes, the conversation about coercion and consent needs to be had for both the young people's benefit.

Beamur · 18/02/2025 10:58

I think your DD is doing well to negotiate teenage girlhood.
But I think you do need to talk to her about shutting down some of these conversations a lot sooner. This is a shocking level of coercion and abusive behaviour that she's tolerating in the name of 'chatting' - these boys are not her friends.
Ditto the boyfriend is pushing her into sexual activity she doesn't want. She needs to think a bit less about it being awkward at work and more about how awkward it's going to be to dodge the relentless pressure to take things further. Less pandering to male feelings and more asserting her boundaries.

Iloveeverycat · 18/02/2025 11:22

I would not be happy with her being alone with him at the moment. If he really likes her and respects her he will wait until she is ready how ever long that takes. I waited 6 months at that age and still together. If he keeps pestering her he obviously couldn't care less about her and is only with her for one thing. She just has to tell him she is not interested in having any sexual relationship. I expect he will move on to someone else.

Silverumbrella · 18/02/2025 11:40

Thanks everyone.

DD isn't going to see him today as she feels he will be pressurising her.

She is quite adamant that she will not be pushed into doing anything she doesn't want to do. Her friend's experiences have truly put her off.

I have asked her to think long and hard about this relationship. If she wants it to progress then she needs to be much firmer with him and if not then she needs to end it (I'm hoping she will tbh). Hopefully she can ask for her shifts to be different from his and it will be a lesson to not engage in relationships with work colleagues in the future.

And as for the school friend, he has been bombarding her with messages all night telling her he's cut his wrists and is in hospital. She has found out this has not happened at all. FFS! What is wrong with these lads? Ds is 19 and I would be horrified if he acted like this.

OP posts:
Silverumbrella · 18/02/2025 11:41

Iloveeverycat · 18/02/2025 11:22

I would not be happy with her being alone with him at the moment. If he really likes her and respects her he will wait until she is ready how ever long that takes. I waited 6 months at that age and still together. If he keeps pestering her he obviously couldn't care less about her and is only with her for one thing. She just has to tell him she is not interested in having any sexual relationship. I expect he will move on to someone else.

Edited

I was the same. I was 17 and still with, now DH. He was happy to wait but then again he didn't have hardcore porn available on his phone 24/7. I'm certain this is changing the way young lads behave.

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/02/2025 11:43

She needs to block the lying school friend.

Chillilounger · 18/02/2025 12:43

Contact the lying school friends Mum. Say are worried about him because he has told your dad he is self harming. That should stop him.

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