How to apologise

Wherewillitend · 2025-02-17T08:25:07+00:00

My 15 year old dd has a couple of troubled friends. Over the last 9 months there have been multiple incidents of excessive drinking, some drugs, shoplifting, bunking off school, being suspended 3 times and the list goes on. The last couple of weeks have been fairly calm, then she asked to go out for dinner with the friends last night. We voiced our concerns, where are you going, how will you get there, will you be drinking, agreed a curfew and off she went. Fast forward an hour and she messages to say they couldn’t get a table at the restaurant and were going to the other friends house. Could she come home at 10 as it’s just a few minutes away. We agreed as another calmer friend had also gone there. At 9:55 I pinged her a little reminder to leave, trying to avoid the usual 30/45 minute late return. No response. Over the next 20 mins my husband and I sent a message to her and then her friend and then the friends mum as no reply from them. The Mum called to advise our dd was vomiting as she’d had too much to drink but she had tied her hair back and given her some water. I lost my cool at this point and told her I wanted my dd to come home as this always happens at their house. The mum sounded intoxicated herself as the conversation was quite delayed. This is a house where they often end up drinking excessively, I’ve seen enough photos of girls vomiting into bowls in their house. The Mum then put me on speakerphone for all the girls to hear me and tried to deny it always happens there, the girls joined in and said no it happens everywhere, I told the Mum we could continue our conversation another time when the children aren’t going to critique everything I say, I just want my daughter to come home. I sent my husband round to walk her home, she came back collapsed in the toilet and threw up all over herself and the wall. Argh… What do I say to the Mum today? DH said she was frosty, I guess the truth hurts? What would you do/say?

OneFineDay13 · 17/02/2025 08:28

You've seen photos of girls vomiting in the house and let her go there??

don't think this is real 🫡🫡🫡

Togglebullets · 17/02/2025 08:29

I wouldn't be saying anything to the mum, she sounds like an idiot. Allowing young girls like that to get pissed under her supervision and then putting you on speakerphone? She's beyond bothering with. I actually can't even work out what the 'apology' refers to, she's clearly not going to apologise and you can't possibly believe you have something to apologise for?!!

I'd focus on your daughter, which I'm sure you are doing anyway.

Adhikv · 17/02/2025 08:33

I wouldn’t say anything to the mum, I don’t think you owe her an apology.

Original poster

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 08:33

This new group of friends is a disaster. When we’ve tried to stop it my dd has run away from home. I want to keep the peace with the other parents to be able to communicate with them when I need to, eg locate my child and verify plans they make. It’s a nightmare situation.

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Original poster

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 08:34

OneFineDay13 · 17/02/2025 08:28

You've seen photos of girls vomiting in the house and let her go there??

don't think this is real 🫡🫡🫡

Sadly it is. The parents like to party themselves and think they are cool for being like this.

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chattyness · 17/02/2025 08:38

You don't need to apologise, they shouldn't be letting teens get so drunk that they collapse and vomit !

Dairymilkisminging · 17/02/2025 08:42

I did this a few times at that age. Im sure I prematurely gave my mum grey hairs.

I wouldn't apologise but I get the point of needing to know where your dd is. Can you put a tracker on her phone?

Togglebullets · 17/02/2025 08:42

What would happen if you ban her from being around their houses but not from being friends with them? Would she just run away?

I get where you're coming from trying to keep lines of communication open for your daughter's sake but it's gone beyond that if she's letting them get in that state. I'd even be tempted to report her to SS for her own daughter's sake.

junebirthdaygirl · 17/02/2025 08:47

Your dd was there for a relatively short time and yet managed to drink enough to vomit. I know she is young but l would be more worried about her capacity to slow down and not drink so much so quickly. Forget about the Mom. Is there any way these girls can hang out at your place as you cannot trust your dd anywhere else. Does she have any underlying issues as my ds who has diagnosed ADHD went through a phase like this in his teens and it was hell. He realised alcohol made the noise in his head stop but he had no off button so never knew when to stop. Very soon he realised alcohol was not for him as it only made him sick and there was no joy in it.
Has never drank since.
After this episode l would be grounding DD for a while and then gradually moving to her friends gathering at your place..however inconvenient that is.

DelphiniumBlue · 17/02/2025 08:53

I wonder if you need to be a bit firmer.
You say that your daughter threatens to run away if you stop her from going where she wants, but also that she was going out to dinner with friends.
Shes 15, presumably you are paying for her to go out to dinner( not the norm for most 15 year olds IME.)
Whilst it’s hard to police her every move, and at 15 she will be trying it on, it’s not ok for her to get so drunk that she’s sick. Taking photos of it seems to be normalising it, and it’s really worrying that it happens so often. She’s not learning anything about her own capacity and safe drinking.
Have you discussed this with her, talked to her about how not to drink so much that she’s sick, how to monitor her own consumption?
Its not ok for her friends parents to be plying her with her alcohol, but she needs to take responsibility herself. No one gets sick on 3 or 4 drinks, she must have had a lot more than that, and probably bought her own as well as what she was being offered. If this is happening repeatedly, I’d limit her access to money, and find out about education around alcohol. It’s worth speaking to her school, they can organise this for the year group. I know my son’s school did, and it was really useful.
You need to somehow get across that if she’s doing adult things like drinking alcohol, she needs to demonstrate adult levels of self control, it’s embarrassing for her not to be able to control herself.
No more blaming everyone else, it’s not her friends fault, or their parents, it’s her. She makes the choices over what goes in her mouth.

BurntOrangeAutumn · 17/02/2025 09:35

@Wherewillitend

Over the last 9 months there have been multiple incidents of excessive drinking, some drugs, shoplifting, bunking off school, being suspended 3 times and the list goes on.

Is this list things the friends have done? Or things that that your daughter has done the last 9 months?

Original poster

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 09:42

BurntOrangeAutumn · 17/02/2025 09:35

@Wherewillitend

Over the last 9 months there have been multiple incidents of excessive drinking, some drugs, shoplifting, bunking off school, being suspended 3 times and the list goes on.

Is this list things the friends have done? Or things that that your daughter has done the last 9 months?

They have done while together. I’ve shared details of situations with the relevant parents, school, SS and police. I feel so helpless in changing the ongoing situation.

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BurntOrangeAutumn · 17/02/2025 10:02

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 09:42

They have done while together. I’ve shared details of situations with the relevant parents, school, SS and police. I feel so helpless in changing the ongoing situation.

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That's awful I really feel for you. I can understand some of what you're going through due to a situation with one of my own children, especially the school issues. I'm looking into switching schools right now.

Could that be an option for you? Would it remove her from the situation or would she gravitate towards back the same kids when schools not on? Even so the friendships could fade with time if she was making friends elsewhere.

The friends family sound like absolute 🗑 and sound very emotionally immature.

Hope you're ok. Look after yourself 💐

BurntOrangeAutumn · 17/02/2025 10:12

@Wherewillitend just to add to my other comment, could you put her on lockdown, ground her & take her phone? Or at least ground her if you didn't want to take her phone.

The other parents sound awful I think you need to protect her, anything could happen to those girls (her & her friends) if they're getting that drunk & the parents are having house parties. You don't know who else might be around at the parties because you're not there.

She's still a child after all. I'm assuming these friends are all school friends?

Original poster

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 10:20

BurntOrangeAutumn · 17/02/2025 10:02

That's awful I really feel for you. I can understand some of what you're going through due to a situation with one of my own children, especially the school issues. I'm looking into switching schools right now.

Could that be an option for you? Would it remove her from the situation or would she gravitate towards back the same kids when schools not on? Even so the friendships could fade with time if she was making friends elsewhere.

The friends family sound like absolute 🗑 and sound very emotionally immature.

Hope you're ok. Look after yourself 💐

Show quote history

Yes we are looking at different 6th forms and hoping to get through the next 6 months somehow, I think the friendship might fade with some distance and new friends, all the professionals tell me she might double down on it. I just despair. I’ve recently started counselling and just cry a lot during the sessions.

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Original poster

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 10:28

DelphiniumBlue · 17/02/2025 08:53

I wonder if you need to be a bit firmer.
You say that your daughter threatens to run away if you stop her from going where she wants, but also that she was going out to dinner with friends.
Shes 15, presumably you are paying for her to go out to dinner( not the norm for most 15 year olds IME.)
Whilst it’s hard to police her every move, and at 15 she will be trying it on, it’s not ok for her to get so drunk that she’s sick. Taking photos of it seems to be normalising it, and it’s really worrying that it happens so often. She’s not learning anything about her own capacity and safe drinking.
Have you discussed this with her, talked to her about how not to drink so much that she’s sick, how to monitor her own consumption?
Its not ok for her friends parents to be plying her with her alcohol, but she needs to take responsibility herself. No one gets sick on 3 or 4 drinks, she must have had a lot more than that, and probably bought her own as well as what she was being offered. If this is happening repeatedly, I’d limit her access to money, and find out about education around alcohol. It’s worth speaking to her school, they can organise this for the year group. I know my son’s school did, and it was really useful.
You need to somehow get across that if she’s doing adult things like drinking alcohol, she needs to demonstrate adult levels of self control, it’s embarrassing for her not to be able to control herself.
No more blaming everyone else, it’s not her friends fault, or their parents, it’s her. She makes the choices over what goes in her mouth.

Following an incident with alcohol at school she sees a substance misuse counsellor each week, I think the lady is too nice and my dd just sees it as a session to gossip in.

Shes at a fee paying school where we are told everyone is going out for dinner it’s the norm. We are quite tight about it and don’t give her loads of money, last night she had £7 for food. Her friends have access to more cash and quite often provide the booze etc.

I don’t know where to go with this. She has a decent professional support network and seems to tell them what they want to hear and then does the complete opposite when she hooks up with the 2 friends. Their parents are way more relaxed about this than me. Argh…

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BurntOrangeAutumn · 17/02/2025 10:41

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 10:20

Yes we are looking at different 6th forms and hoping to get through the next 6 months somehow, I think the friendship might fade with some distance and new friends, all the professionals tell me she might double down on it. I just despair. I’ve recently started counselling and just cry a lot during the sessions.

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Sounds like you're doing everything right, including getting counselling for yourself.
She might not double down on it, she might move on & make better friends with time.
You are right to remove her from the school I think.
You're just going to have to try to keep her on a short leash for the next 6 months, which is easier said than done I know.

Original poster

Wherewillitend · 17/02/2025 13:25

BurntOrangeAutumn · 17/02/2025 10:41

Sounds like you're doing everything right, including getting counselling for yourself.
She might not double down on it, she might move on & make better friends with time.
You are right to remove her from the school I think.
You're just going to have to try to keep her on a short leash for the next 6 months, which is easier said than done I know.

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Yep easier said than done for sure. It has a habit of being all consuming when trouble erupts which is too frequently sadly. Thanks for your thoughts :)

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