DD not included outside of school

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DD14 has people to hang out with at school and never seems alone at lunchtimes, yet she’s never invited to do anything outside of school. She’s had people over for her birthday and is proactive in asking people to do things, but they either say they are busy or, worse, never come respond to her messages. It’s heartbreaking - she considers these girls her friends. Half term feels very long without someone her own age to see, Im dreading Easter.
I don’t know if it’s her (I’m beginning to think it must be) or whether everyone else is just flaky. School seem to think everything is fine, but her last school said the same and she was bullied then ostracised there.

Any advice?

School is so difficult for girls this age. Does your DD do any clubs outside of school? My DD found it much easier to spend time with her friends from these during the holidays than her 'friends' from school, and they seemed a lot more receptive towards her too.

Yes she does, and she seems relatively “popular” but her sport attracts people from quite a wide geographic area and so meeting up takes a lot more planning (and parental input!)

Agree it's hard being a teenage girl.

Do her 'friends' do stuff together outside of school without her? Or are they just not interested it doing much outside of school altogether?

Well certainly some of them are doing things together (in 2s and 3s). But DD doesn’t seem to be the sort of child others want to make time for in their diaries - I’m beginning to feel very negative about this and am trying hard not to let it show. DD always seems to know who is hanging out with whom, which is the problem with social media.
i sort of feel like saying “well they’re not that your friends”, if they can’t be bothered to even respond to an invitation, but that then leaves her with no one and if you extend enough invitations (gently, not bombarding), you would like to think that eventually someone says yes.
it would be nice if she was someone’s first choice to call outside of school.
Maybe everyone else lives insanely busy lives.

In that case it’s very possible that it is ‘her’ but that doesn’t mean she’s doing anything wrong or there’s anything wrong with her.
If they are hanging out with her at school then they obviously like her but they probably are just closer or have more in common with others.
At 14 you can’t really expect anyone to include someone outside of school just to be nice. If they have more fun and it’s easier to hang out with just the 2-3 people they are closest with.

I would be encouraging her to look for other friendships but also letting her know that finding your best friends at 14 isn’t the most important thing.

I could’ve written this about my DD15. I have accepted that it’s unlikely she will have have a group outside of school despite best efforts. I did advise her to find a new group in the year group but she hasn’t and so I so think it’s partially her own fault for not looking elsewhere for new friends. Her sister age 12 has lots of friends and always out which makes it harder. At her age I was so sociable, always out with friends, so I find it hard to see her always in the house. Even now I am out once a month with my mates!! She seems content though so I don’t push it anymore, more stress for us both. I do think she has an undiagnosed ASD despite me raising it with the GP. She’s a straight A* student and LOVES school work so hopefully when shes off to uni she’ll find her tribe there 🙏🏻

Who are the people she's had for her birthday? Could you organise something structured and offer a similar to birthday invitation so it's more of a diary item and parents know to facilitate it? Or book some stuff in with the sports friends if that works, even if parents need to be involved your main goal of bit having long empty holidays would be met.

Can you help to arrange stuff with cousins or family friends or neighbours so they are interacting but not necessarily with school friends?

My main suggestion would be to get rid of the social media if you can. My teens aren't dissimilar in that they have plenty of friends at schools and clubs and are pretty busy with clubs and activities, but don't do huge amounts socially out of school with school friends. The dissatisfaction can come when they know others have done stuff, even if those are people they aren't that friendly with or if they know it is because they live near each other or are family friends.

Thank you MN224 for your solidarity; my DD also seems bizarrely wedded to this group. I’m sure there are other lovely girls in her year who would welcome her but she seems to have this masochistic streak! I try hard not to project but it’s tough.

thank you too, don’tsaystuff for your advice.