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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Not her mum. But still her big sis

9 replies

sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 16:52

Female in mid 20s. Sister is 15. I abso dote on her and love to plan things for her. But the more I do, the more attitude she gives me. I'm not her mum but I can't stop giving and doing coz she's my sister and I care about her! Although she gives me attitude she does mess things up when trying to do herself. I have been trying to make checklists to help her out directing her in the right direction instead of plain doing things for her. She still takes me for granted ordering me around and demanding. I need to remind myself she is just a child and not to take things to heart. I can't discipline her as she is not my kid and neither will she allow it. But sometimes it's a bit hurtful. And now that I confided in her about some things, she uses it to get her way sometimes, although in a light hearted way she feels, but I did not find it cool. Finding it difficult to have a balanced position of a sister/friend and caregiver.

PS just to add mum is present in our lives and wonderful. But past few years her involvement in our lives has not been as much as before. After work she prefers to spend time by herself. Very recently she took a sabbatical trying to recover from her work trauma.

OP posts:
Snowmanscarf · 13/02/2025 16:58

She’s fifteen, not a kid! Of course she doesn’t want her older sister bossing her around and interfering in her life. If she makes mistakes, let her. They’re her mistakes to make, and she’ll learn from them.

Regarding attitude, again, she’s fifteen. If she’s rude, you can tell her not to be. You don’t have to do what she says. If she orders you about, then it’s because you’re letting her. Just refuse to do it.

You need to cut the (sister) apron springs. She’s finding her independence. The closeness will return, but for now, she’s finding her own way in life.

Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 17:03

Snowmanscarf · 13/02/2025 16:58

She’s fifteen, not a kid! Of course she doesn’t want her older sister bossing her around and interfering in her life. If she makes mistakes, let her. They’re her mistakes to make, and she’ll learn from them.

Regarding attitude, again, she’s fifteen. If she’s rude, you can tell her not to be. You don’t have to do what she says. If she orders you about, then it’s because you’re letting her. Just refuse to do it.

You need to cut the (sister) apron springs. She’s finding her independence. The closeness will return, but for now, she’s finding her own way in life.

Oh no! Bossing doesn't exist. There's always an option. You wanna do it or no? If you do, then this might be a convenient route for you....

Exactly. She is 15. Letting her learn from own mistakes is best moving forward. Rather than coddling! Although I can't help myself sometimes.

Sis was actually unwell for a while. Got really over protective in that phase. She gets picked up and dropped off everywhere too. When I was her age I always used public transport. Mum and dad are starting to be a bit more strict now.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 13/02/2025 17:04

Stand back and let her do her thing, she'll learn more by experience. If she wants help she'll ask.

Big sisters can be real know it all pains sometimes 😄

Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 17:08

AgnesX · 13/02/2025 17:04

Stand back and let her do her thing, she'll learn more by experience. If she wants help she'll ask.

Big sisters can be real know it all pains sometimes 😄

Haha that's true. Taking the extra 10 years of life for granted. But I do feel more caregiving towards her. As she's always been the little baby of the house.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/02/2025 17:15

@sofiaparker I think your Dsis is missing your mum being more of a presence/parent. You said she had work trauma. That's significant. Your Dsis is likely affected by that, too. Your mum has withdrawn and that will greatly impact your Dsis. Both would likely benefit from counselling. Please encourage it. Have a chat with your mum. She might be unable to see how her behaviour has changed, how your sister is affected and be unable to seek help.

Original poster
sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 17:20

Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/02/2025 17:15

@sofiaparker I think your Dsis is missing your mum being more of a presence/parent. You said she had work trauma. That's significant. Your Dsis is likely affected by that, too. Your mum has withdrawn and that will greatly impact your Dsis. Both would likely benefit from counselling. Please encourage it. Have a chat with your mum. She might be unable to see how her behaviour has changed, how your sister is affected and be unable to seek help.

Edited

Thank you - this is significant. Mum usually returns from work late. She cooks for the family. But after dinner and on her break days she is constantly just venting about her work and trying to sort things out. Nothing else. Not even her own recreation. It's true some shits gone down at her work place. But I feel that she needs to work on herself and heal. She constantly lashes out on everyone.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 13/02/2025 17:20

@sofiaparker 💐 Let us know. 🙂

Smithhy · 13/02/2025 18:15

Honestly, you sound exhausting…. Always telling your sister what to do, or how to do it, or giving lists and opinions.

Back off, let her learn how life works and from her own mistakes.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 14/02/2025 00:20

sofiaparker · 13/02/2025 17:20

Thank you - this is significant. Mum usually returns from work late. She cooks for the family. But after dinner and on her break days she is constantly just venting about her work and trying to sort things out. Nothing else. Not even her own recreation. It's true some shits gone down at her work place. But I feel that she needs to work on herself and heal. She constantly lashes out on everyone.

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That is classic depression/PTSD behaviour. I really hope your family can get help. 🩷

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