Unsociable teens

[metimepls]

DS (14) & DD (17) have never been big on friends since around 10/11yrs old.. just not interested in hanging out with kids their own age. Not unhappy, or lonely, really comfortable in their own skin, like their own company & spending time with family. Keep themselves to themselves at school. I'm not worried about them as such, more bemused. DH & I have always had lots of friends & very full social lives - especially as teens/ young 20s so I can't help but feel (indeed I know) my DC are missing out on so much fun & memories to be made. DD is dipping her toe in more now so maybe it's a maturity/ finding your people thing, but even she's just admitted she'd choose a night in on her own over a night out with friends! Anyone else with similar character kids? Should I worry even a little about this if they're actually both genuinely happy..?

No I don’t think you should worry. If they’re happy no issue. Also, maybe they are connecting online? I think staying in is more common now

Mine are like that. It's fine in term time because they see friends in school but the holidays are looong.

DS admits he spends lunchtimes alone often - through choice- studying in library. It makes me sad to think of that & also imagine other kids think of him as 'weird' when he's genuinely really fun company (of course I'm biased but he is a funny lad) always had loads of easy friendships until y5 when it just seemed to become awkward & difficult for him so instead he just takes himself out of social settings.

Yes that's what's triggered my post. I've said he can't have screen time unless he instigates one real life social interaction this half term!

He has lots of online friends & is very natural when playing online with them..

I have one (ds2 17) like that but it's a fairly recent thing and it really worries me. Both my girls are/were very sociable and ds1 also pretty sociable so this feels strange.

I am hoping that a change of scenery, so whem he goes to uni for example, will change things. I worry about it though. I don't have much advice as nothing has really worked here that I have tried. Mine doesn't game/ go online either.

I was like this is a teen and still an now. One of my teens is like this. I was often forced as a teen to have social interaction, it does for more harm than good. Just leave to to be themselves, there's nothing wrong with it

They could just be introverts and need their own time to chill and recharge.

I am still like this. I am just very introverted and prefer being alone. I don't think I need to change to fit how other people think I should be and feel the same about your kids. They have friends online, that is social interaction. So what if your son likes the library or people think he is weird. It is good he doesn't change himself to meet with the approval of others. They can make memories without social events.

You need to take a look at yourself here and your expectations. They are separate people from you and will have different personalities and experiences. It is okay not to be hugely social or prefer being alone. As long as they can speak to people when they need to, it is fine. Pushing them to be more social will likely make them unhappy. I met my partner online and one of my friends. I have known her now for 30 years.

I personally don't see anything wrong in it.
I have two young adult sons, eldest is sociable and has lots of friends.Youngest son is the opposite, but both are genuinely happy. Going out now is nothing like going out when we were younger, it's a completely different world.
I work with a lot of younger people and quite a few of them prefer staying in.
It could be they haven't yet met their kind of people who they feel comfortable with, that could happen further on down the line, it could be they just prefer their own company and nothing wrong in that.
I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is to not push our own ideas of how we think our children should be, but to simply accept them for who they really are.

Mine are the same, during school and college they get enough interaction with friends so I'm not concerned. But like another poster has said the holidays feel long and I feel they are missing out.

I recommend you watch this video I saved a while back: https://www.instagram.com/p/DFLnwQzTcOQ/

Just because your teen is different from you doesn't mean she won't have any meaningful experiences as a teen. Maybe she is more introverted and happier with few, meaningful connections. Maybe her friends support her spending most weekends alone?

Other than that, if they are happy, I would continue supporting them. You can always encourage them but above all don't force them to make friends. x

This is projection from you - why do you assume others will think he's weird?

Perhaps you need to think about the social pressure you were under when younger and the status you attach to being socially active.

If your children are happy, they're happy. If they're genuinely comfortable, that's a strength.

Sounds exactly like my DS with ASD, he spent all his lunchtimes at secondary school in the library (not studying though!) He's now doing a degree apprenticeship and has suddenly become part of a group that he really likes. He still doesn't socialise in the evenings (none of them do) but he no longer spends lunchtimes alone, he really likes the guys he works with and the older apprentices too. Secondary school is a very odd place really where you only mix with your age group and are swapped around in different classes constantly, it's not a great set up for a lot of people IMO.

If it helps I didn't have a huge social life as a teen (though I did have friends at school we just didn't do that much). I had a huge social life at university (in a good way). If they are able to build friendships, its just their friends aren't always out and about, I think that's perfectly fine. If they don't really have any friends I'd worry a little more.

I think where you have to be careful is if there is a lot of gaming/ screen time - then I don't think you can accurately say they are naturally not sociable. We have to be realistic as parents the impact gaming has on many kids - particularly the less social ones.

If I let him - even my very sociable 13 yr old would spend most of the holiday gaming.

So - the gaming (despite yes having some social aspects) may be a really easy cop out for shyer kids to avoid social interaction that would actually be good for them and would get them out into th efresh air/ doing new things etc

My DS1, 16, is very much like this & I feel sad & worry that he is missing out on things. For example, he is finishing secondary school in a few weeks (going to college for 6th form). There is a prom, which he is going to, but then he tells me 'most of the year' are going to a party afterwards but not him. He is invited, but doesn't want to go. Says his friends aren't either- he does have a small (6-8?) group of likeminded friends & gets on with everyone, would just rather not go out or hang out with adults.

By contrast, DS2, 14, would love to be friends with everyone he meets, but his autism means that people don't really see him as a friend, more someone to be pitied or just too different 😔

DS3, 11, seems to be more outgoing so far.

They are all happy enough, but I do fear the bigger 2 miss out on a lot. I myself am a social butterfly - although struggling now that everyone works different days to me & I don't see people any more.

This seems like projection.

Do you think he's weird? He'll pick up on that.

I've got one of each.

Daughter is at uni now, socialising all the time and in tons of societies. Even when she's home, she's out all the time visiting old friends.

Son is at the end of school, won't go to prom or any of the treat days and never brings friends home. He hangs out with people at lunch and doesn't get home until tea time as he's hanging out with people on the way home, or walking to different houses as a group before he catches his bus. But once home, that's it. Nothing in the holidays.

Everyone is different. In fact my son is just like me 🤷🏼‍♀️

Another concerned mum here. DS 18 has never been out in the evening without us. Spends time during school and after school with some of his classmates, but they are mostly from another culture so stick together.
It's not that I want him out drinking and staggering home at 3am. I just would love to see him included and /or make an effort to be involved.

He has ADHD and is immature for his age. He talks endlessly about football or bullies us off the tv so he can game.

I was out and about at the weekends. DH seems oblivious to the fact that DS isn't out and about. I feel bad for him and, tbh, I'm a bit fed up of him controlling our evenings.

Hoping university will encourage him to be a bit more sociable, hut he's usually pushed out of social circles. Fingers crossed. I'd love my evenings back. And I know he knows people are out without him.