14 Yr old son always causing friction in the house , tell me it gets better

[Lowconfidence84]

My son has always been such a happy , entertaining fun loving boy. He would put shows on for us and make everyone laugh.
He is an attention seeker at home and in school and possibly has adhd or something similar, but this is yet to be diagnosed. He doesn't get in trouble at school but is too chatty. He has lots of friends and gets on with all ages .
But he has changed so much at home. He cannot accept being told what to do, or questioned over anything. He seems to push back over everything and had developed a sense of entitlement. He is quite a selfish person too, very greedy with food, would never share a box of chocolates for example.
We ask hardly anything of him apart from keep his room tidy , don't eat upstairs and don't go upstairs in shoes. He does no other chores. He has £10 per week pocket money, has a phone, playstation etc and goes out with friends whenever he wants ( sticks to his curfew so no issues there) he has a good life and everything he could want.
But he wants to push for an argument over everything. Answers his dad back and gives cheek/attitude almost whenever he's spoken to .
Comes in, asks what is for tea, moans he doesn't like it even though we ask him for ideas for the week ahead which he can't be bothered to do.
He keeps going upstairs in his shoes leaving mud everywhere. His dad then gets angry and tells him off about it then a massive argument will happen as DS will not apologise.
He also sneaks food upstairs to eat when asked not to , then leaves wrappers everywhere to be found by us , then again goes mad if we question him about it.
The things we are arguing about are relative small but the arguments are bad and the atmosphere in the house is not pleasant whenever he is there.
We have a preteen daughter who at the moment is the opposite to him, which also isn't always a great thing. She retreats off to her room when the arguing starts as she doesn't want to be around it and I don't blame her.
I can see this just getting worse the older he gets. Everyone else loves him! Any tips or advice on how to make him understand how good he has things ?

😩 teenage years

Others may have more experience & wisdom.

I try to remember....
Hormones -
Development phase- so much going on school, friendships, social media etc
Think of them like an overgrown toddler - they want independence & to be treated differently but don't know how go about it.
Hunger makes them extra ratty!
It's not personal

I try to....
Pick my battles - the shoes would annoy the hell out of me.
Offer real choices if you can (not threats)
Have clear boundaries
Consequences - reduce pocket money etc
Walk away - ignore what you can, use few words & walk away. Arguments do very little. Very hard to do sometimes.

Doesn't always work & feels like Groundhog Day but I'm hoping eventually there will be a change.
Look after your self - hobbies/relaxing time & carve out time with your husband not to talk about your son. It can get very all consuming.

Good luck!!

Mmm…this sounds very familiar! I was only discussing this sort of situation with some older and wiser friends yesterday who basically said you need to use ‘tough love’ before it’s too late. Our DS is only 12 so you are a couple of years ahead but I’m definitely going to try and use the tough love approach. Im not going to accept certain behaviours and from now on the play station is not a given - it depends on behaviour, a few jobs and general pleasantness. I agree with all that @BSky said too about remembering all those points and trying to pick your battles. You are not alone believe me! I also try to remember that they are learning all the time from us as parents and that we need to demonstrate how they should and shouldn’t behave. Not always easy but 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

Yes tough love sounds about right. I wish we'd been stricter with phones from the get go!

We hope the values and behaviours we have instilled and (try to) model also have a lasting impact. It might not show now but a strong foundation should prevail eventually!

Generally I feel like I'm living the cliche life of a parent with teens.

I am trying really hard to be calm and also to listen and connect where I can - so ask about music, interests etc otherwise I feel like our main points of contact are over asking to do things or not do things. It's def not easy.