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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD nearly 13 - wants to move schools again!

21 replies

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 08:17

My DD is 13 in June. She was having a hard time from bullying at the end of last year, was school refusing often & was miserable.

I managed to get her a place in a private school (which my DS went to & was always my first choice) where she started a couple of weeks before Christmas.

She’s now started to refuse to go to school again & wants to go back to her old school as she doesn’t feel like she fits in.

I’m a lone parent with no input from her Dad. I feel like I made a mistake moving her in the first place & she needs to learn to just get on with things that aren’t necessarily to her liking.

Anyone been through similar? Advice? Feel very alone with this.

OP posts:

Porkyporkchop · 11/02/2025 08:18

I wouldn’t move her again, as it’s disruptive for her education. It’s tough starting again, but you need to give her time to adjust. Can she join some clubs and after school things so she makes new friends ?

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:20

how are you affording two at private?
How is she getting on academically?
What is she like at home?

Original poster

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 08:20

@Porkyporkchop

I don’t want to move her again but I need her to start attending school every bloody day!

She did have a club outside of school which she recently quit as her friends were quitting as well. Will have a think on this though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 08:23

@Bestthriller

My DS left school two years ago, so only one in private, I have a good job.

She is very good academically As & Bs across the board.

She’s very emotional at home, flits from being lovely to stroppy cow - typical nearly teenager, not started periods yet so I think very hormonal.

OP posts:

AwakeNotThruChoice · 11/02/2025 08:26

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 08:20

how are you affording two at private?
How is she getting on academically?
What is she like at home?

@Bestthriller perhaps OP earns well??

@Hohohoeyy Not same, but I have a 13 and 15 year old DDs. They do chop and change their mind a lot about things. I think you have to stand strong against some things. A school change is not a simple thing! At that age they don’t think things through properly

Original poster

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 08:31

@AwakeNotThruChoice I want to stay firm that she stays in her current school, it’s just exhausting trying to force her into school everyday- something I thought would change after the school move.

She started up counselling again last week which I’m hoping will help as she’s recently gone NC with her Dad which has obviously caused a lot of big feelings.

OP posts:

AwakeNotThruChoice · 11/02/2025 08:33

Sounds like she has a lot on her little shoulders then.
There is nothing worse than them not wanting to school. It’s exhausting when you have to get yourself ready and get to work.

If you go back on the change you could easily have this same issue I guess. It’s a dilemma !

Clearinguptheclutter · 11/02/2025 08:34

I think if you move her you risk her changing her mind again.

ideally she keeps going to the new school but if she physically won’t go that sounds super tough.

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 11/02/2025 08:36

I think that in the absence of any concrete issues (e.g. severe bullying at the new school) she has to stay and make the best of it. Long term you wouldn't be doing her any favours by letting her flip flop and run away from things that she finds difficult.

HarryVanderspeigle · 11/02/2025 08:41

Did she want to move to this particular school? Aside from the bullying, was the old school a good fit? Not saying she should go back to the old school, but perhaps she felt more comfort in that environment than in a private school one? Would there be a third option of state school elsewhere?

I would think at this age a lot of kids drop clubs in favour of just hanging out with their friends.

LadyQuackBeth · 11/02/2025 08:44

I think that this is the point that, as a parent, you need to hold the line on which school you think is better for her. If she thinks she can get every whim she wants or you reinforce that it's fine to flake out of things that are a little bit tricky or imperfect - she'll struggle and end up with a very small life.

I would listen to her when she says she doesn't fit in, but I wouldn't join in with the emotions - this is a totally normal teenage feeling. If she thinks a different hairstyle/bag/accessory will help her fit in, then I would go with that but otherwise you need to stay the adult in the room.

Can you imagine looking back at your teenage years, if your parents had gone all in on every feeling you'd had (wrong trainers, friendship dramas, boys etc). Our generation are doing that and I'm not sure this degree of validation is healthy. There's reassurance in adults knowing what is objectively a big deal and not fitting in after a few weeks is not one.

Separately from school it would probably help to give her a stronger sense of self. Did she actually enjoy the hobby she left because her friends left? What else does she like and feel a sense of pride about?

Original poster

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 08:45

@HarryVanderspeigle Yes, she did want to go to the new school, she only wanted to go to the original school as all her friends were going there including her best friend.

She subsequently fell out with her best friend & was bullied by a bully & her group of friends (which the best friend joined) so begged me to send her to the new school.

I think I’m just going to have to stay strong & ride it out. I’ve confiscated her phone for 24 hours this morning & said she can have it back when she goes to school as I can’t have her choosing not to go with no consequences.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 08:50

@LadyQuackBeth I think you are right but I think I’m kicking myself for letting her leave her old school - I know my parents wouldn’t have had any of it.

I think she’s better off in the new school, was always my first choice so I will stay firm. I think I need to have a proper talk with her when I’m not feeling so angry & not supposed to be working - two days into a new job!

She has her session with her counsellor tonight so am thinking of asking the counsellor to work through it with her.

OP posts:

roselilylavender · 11/02/2025 08:52

This is probably a really bad point in the whole settling in process. The novelty of there being a new girl will have worn off but she doesn't know anyone well enough to have proper friends and, at the same time, everyone else will be going about their day to day lives with their established friendships and just knowing how the school works as it's what they're used to. There's HT coming up and people are no doubt planning various activities and she might not be included or only as an after thought.
What are her plans for HT? Can you organise some things for her to do with people from her new school?

Original poster

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 08:55

@roselilylavender This is a good idea, I’ll ask her today if she wants to invite a friend / friends to do something.

OP posts:

RubyRedBow · 11/02/2025 08:57

Unless it was unbearable I’d put my foot down. She needs to learn that she can’t jump ship when she doesn’t like something or she’s going to be an adult who can’t hold down a job.

Original poster

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 09:08

I won’t allow her to move schools again but I don’t know how to make her attend every day.

OP posts:

waterrat · 11/02/2025 13:33

Okay - you need to look at the underlying issues here.

Does she struggle socially generally? Does she get overwhelmed and tired easily?

Obvious question - could she be neurodiverse? common in ND/autistic/ adhd girls to find school exhausting and social stuff hard.

Are there specific things she finds difficult about school that mean both schools are hard for her?

Bestthriller · 11/02/2025 13:35

Hohohoeyy · 11/02/2025 09:08

I won’t allow her to move schools again but I don’t know how to make her attend every day.

What does she do all day on the days she refuses? I’m presuming she has no phone or screen whatsoever?

how do you manage work etc on these days?

and on the days she does go in… any reason why?

EHCPerhaps · 11/02/2025 13:36

waterrat · 11/02/2025 13:33

Okay - you need to look at the underlying issues here.

Does she struggle socially generally? Does she get overwhelmed and tired easily?

Obvious question - could she be neurodiverse? common in ND/autistic/ adhd girls to find school exhausting and social stuff hard.

Are there specific things she finds difficult about school that mean both schools are hard for her?

Agree with this.

ByHazelPeer · 11/02/2025 13:39

It’s hard to move schools at that age, probably more so for a girl with social struggles. Maybe look at whether she might be autistic. It was never spotted with me and I sometimes struggled but generally didn’t complain and just got on with it. Looking back I see a struggling neurodivergent girl.

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