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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Disciplining a 16 year old

17 replies

LemonTraybake · 09/02/2025 12:02

Hi mumsnet, I'm looking for some opinions and advice. My 16-year-old son was suspended from school for 2 days this past week, for being disrespectful to a teacher. He was being a nuisance to other kids whilst on an outing, she pulled him up on it, he called her a liar and then flipped her off. It's not the first time he's been sent home from an outing, not is it the first time he's been suspensed. He was at another school, but we were asked to withdraw him before they expelled him. You see the pattern.

He was already in trouble at home for not giving the slightest damn about his GCSEs. He is getting a range from 1 - 5 in his GCSEs - and he's a smart kid. I'm not just saying that because I'm his mum - he is properly smart. So smart that he has decided he won't need a lot of his GCSEs when he leaves school, so why should he bother studying for them? He doesn't want to do A levels, but he doesn't want to go to a technical college or do an apprenticeship. He wants to figure it out on his own, and he wants us to leave him to it and believe him when he says he'll be ok. You get the picture...

After his suspension, I took his phone and laptop away and stopped his pocket money. I also grounded him, which he ignored. I can't physically restrain him, but I can lock away his phone and stop paying him. He is predictably furious. My husband thinks we are being too hard on him. I am of the mind that we are here because we weren't hard enough in the past and I am standing my ground. My son is spending a lot of time with his girlfriends to avoid us, but I am playing the long game and am holding firm. This morning he relayed a story to me about bumping the train last night, and getting caught for it. This is totally unrelated to pocket money, he bumps the train because 'everyone does it'. He is still calling his teachers stupid but has said he won't flip them off again. I have told him that until he starts showing us respect at home (he swears at us about all of this), starts doing his homework, stops being rude about his teachers, and acknowledges that bumping the train is stealing, there will be no movement from me. I can see I am losing the support of my husband, and I'm getting tired of it all myself. What do you think?

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 09/02/2025 12:14

At 16 it's really tricky.

As you've said, you can't really ground him as he's just physically too big and won't accept it.

If he's spending a lot of time at his girlfriends then clearly he's also choosing to not be in the family home rather than stick to what you want.

Personally I would play the long game here.

You are too late to be standing your ground. The time for that was a decade ago. If you do that now he'll just effectively move out and sofa surf with the girlfriend or his other friends.

Is he likely to pass maths and English? If so, he's got options open to him after GCSEs.

If not then I'd start trying to rebuild a relationship with the aim of getting him the GCSEs he needs so he can get an income and move out and be independent successfully.

If you can sell it to him as "we want the best for you and we know you don't want to live at home and want to have your own life" then you might get somewhere.

LivLuna · 09/02/2025 12:31

I'm not sure it's possible to discipline a -6 year old in these circumstances. It will be hard but I would let natural consequences do the job and be there to pick up the pieces if/when it all goes to pot.

Focus on adapting your relationship with him as if he were an adult which is probably what he is looking for.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 09/02/2025 14:37

What does his father think?

Original poster

LemonTraybake · 09/02/2025 15:26

Hi dad thinks our son's behaviour is disgusting but doesn't want the stress and inconvenience of dealing with it. I don't want the stress and inconvenience of dealing with it either, but I'd rather this than our son continue on the path he's on and be excluded from school or forced to stay home and study for his GCSEs. Both of these were mentioned by the deputy head at our reintegration meeting this week.

OP posts:

LottieMary · 09/02/2025 15:55

Ok so he has a list of thing he doesn't want to do after GCSEs but does he have something he really does want to do? He needs to be in skme edu action until 18.

Pick your battles I guess. He needs English and maths for future options - remind him he doesn't want to close doors and these are fundamental. Smart people have a plan even if it's unconventional - and people who bleat on about failing their GCSEs would very often have got where they are faster with them or are massive outliers among those who don't have the qualifications.

What are his girlfriends parents like? Any Boundaries at their house?

sicilianpizza · 09/02/2025 16:18

Stick to your guns. Do not budge. You're doing great.

Toothpastestain · 09/02/2025 16:34

What does, "flip them off" mean?

user2848502016 · 09/02/2025 18:02

I think confiscating devices is a good way to go. You could also cut pocket money.

But really by 16 I think the ship has sailed, you might be better off having a talk with him as you would with an adult and explaining that if he doesn't get at least his maths & English GCSEs he's going to have to go through the misery of resits or be extremely limited as to what he will be able to do in the future.
Also that if he's not going to be in school or college next year you will be expecting him to get a job and pay you board, you're not going to be funding him sitting around the house doing nothing.

DoloresODonovan · 09/02/2025 18:07

or after his exams he could join the navy/army/air force and see the world

Whoknew24 · 09/02/2025 18:08

I think the main issue is your husband not stepping up. All my children would instantly get in line with only one chat from my husband.

out of the 4 we haven’t had issues, I run a tight ship and have very much had control from day one with them all. My oldest who is an adult now is still extremely respectful and has impeccable manners. I think far too many parents do what your husband does and this is the consequence.

But if he doesn’t want to do school, college, apprenticeship etc then I’d make it clear he’ll need to think about flats etc if he’s nothing after 4/5 months as he can’t be staying dossing around at home rent free. That might encourage him to get his act together.

Sanguinello · 09/02/2025 18:13

Toothpastestain · 09/02/2025 16:34

What does, "flip them off" mean?

Stick the middle finger up.

IdaGlossop · 09/02/2025 18:20

What a difficult situation for you and your DH to have to manage. There are three stands to your DS's behaviour: things that cost you and DH money; academic endeavour or lack of; DS's behaviour and attitude to you and DS. You have some power over the first and third, none over the second. I think I would continue with withholding funding as a sanction frequently, so he is seriously inconvenienced and buy only the bare minimum for him. I would refuse to engage with him in any way if he swears and shouts at you, just looking at him silently until he adjusts his tone. And I would totally disengage from trying to get him to revise and tell him that's what you are going to do. If he ends up with, worst case scenario, no GCSEs, he will find he can only find poorly paid, unskilled, dull work that he will not want to do for 50 years. I have a godson who messed around at school and was truculent for several years. He worked as a welder, got bored, then worked his way into an applied chemistry degree. Now he's working in pharmaceutical research. I do hope things move on for you as a family.

BumpyaDaisyevna · 09/02/2025 19:14

LemonTraybake · 09/02/2025 15:26

I can see that it's really difficult but your DH would find it even more stressful if your son were to start being arrested or getting further into troubled territory. Not saying that will happen of course.

I think his dad needs to step up and lay down the boundary big time.

Of course it's stressful and inconvenient but that js what parenting is like sometimes. Does your DH think those dads who can be firm but fair somehow have a magic gene that makes it "easy" for them? They don't but it's their job.

Your son is in a great position that he has got a mum and a dad and your DH could really help things here I think. He can provide something that with the best will in the world you can't - he's a man and your son is wanting to become a man. He needs you too of course but he needs his dad to show him where he is going wrong, show him what it means to be a maturing young man and finally to credit your son for his efforts when he makes the right decisions.

Branleuse · 09/02/2025 19:23

At 16, i think its got to be more about discussing how they reacted, what they hoped to achieve. What the drawbacks were . Better ways to deal with stuff etc.
I don't think you get anywhere locking horns at this stage. You need to try and keep them close and talking to you. Not being disciplinarian

Babadook76 · 09/02/2025 19:30

Branleuse · 09/02/2025 19:23

This. The groundwork for his behaviour has been lacking, and now it’s too late. My mum was huge on discipline, all it did was make me hate her and ruin our relationship. And not a single thing she did made the slightest bit of difference to my behaviour at that age. I moved out when I was 16, didn’t speak to her for 7 years, did get back in contact with her when I had my eldest daughter, but within a few years decided there was no relationship I really wanted to salvage with her and never spoke to her again. You cannot make him do anything, your constant punishments will drive him to resent you, it sounds like he’s already trying to avoid you. All you can do at this point is gently lead and advise. I have a 16yo daughter and wouldnt dream of trying to ground her or confiscate her belongings at this point

Original poster

LemonTraybake · 09/02/2025 22:41

Thanks everyone, these are all really helpful opinions. I'll have a think.

OP posts:

FumingTRex · 09/02/2025 22:54

At this age you need to be transitioning towards a more adult to adult relationship. That doesn’t mean ignoring his behaviour but you want to move away from a parent/chilfd type interaction and get him thinking about why it happened and how he stops it happening again. Have you considered that he may have ADHD? If he often does impulsive things he needs to learn strategies to avoid getting to the point where he is swearing at people.

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