Teen self harm advice

[VividCrow]

My ex husband share our two DDs 50/50. He is remarried, step kids and new kid. Our relationship is not great and I can only communicate through his wife.
I am living with a partner of 2 years who is supportive to me and the children.
Our 13 yo has just shared that she is self harming, suicidal thoughts and has poor mental health. It seems she is partially blaming me/my house and is refusing to come back on her scheduled days and has cut phone contact by not replying to texts.
I am broken by this, I have always thought our house was happy, healthy and fun. I will do whatever it takes to get her well and go back to normal. It’s only been a week of no contact but to me it feels like a lifetime.
But here’s the thing… she is saying that she wants only her dad and step mum involved in the process of getting well again. I have not been included in doctors meetings or school meetings. Dad/Step mum will not offer updates ‘unless something changes’ so day to day I don’t know how she’s doing. They have removed my contact details from the doctor’s records (they had previously done this with the orthodontist, optician and extra curricular clubs) and when I spoke to the doctor he told me that he has to respect the patients wishes and could not disclose her treatment plan.
I’m respect my DD’s apparent wishes but surely I have a legal right here? Also how do I know she has not been ‘influenced’ in her wishes?
I’m being blamed for being strict on her phone, only allowing it at certain times (this was to combat the TikTok addiction), not allowing her to text her step mum (who would text every day asking what she’s doing/eating/wearing), and for loving my bf more than her (simply not true!).
I have been on the receiving end of coercive behaviour from the step mum and experience constant gaslighting. Phrases used often towards me are it’s their house and they can say/do what they like, including encouraging my children to call her ‘mum’. It feels as though she has steadily chipped away at my power as their mother and now we are finally at this point where I feel helpless.
I’m being told to move gently with DD as to not push her away further, but I am lost and powerless in such a distressing situation. Any advice appreciated!

It does sound like maybe she needs some space for a bit, if she is so unwell and blaming you then I guess you have to step back for a bit.

I feel your pain in many ways not exactly same but didn’t want to not reply. I think past 12 doctors tells them they have a lot of choice in whether parent is involved so not entirely helpful when medical professionals are agreeing that kid doesn’t need parental involvement. Sounds like ex and lady are controlling. Defo give her space. Keep up the odd love you. I’m here for you. Can you send he’s a little something a teddy or something x

Thank you for replying. I guess you are confirming what I already know.
I sent a teddy last week which her sister (who is still coming home to me) said she was very happy to have and has asked for another this week.
I'm texting gently daily with 'love you' and 'miss you' etc. It's just so painful.

You need to back off.

Teens who are experiencing this level of mental distress need to feel that they have some sort of control over their life.

If she's in counselling then neither you nor her dad will be informed of what is being discussed as she is the patient and she has a right to privacy.

Being blunt, teens with these sorts of issues respond very badly to attempts to control their phones/social media etc and this has clearly backfired badly.

She's chosen who she wants to support her. You now need to slowly rebuild that relationship and respond to her needs.

Thank you for taking the time to respond and what you are saying makes sense. Ultimately I just want my DD to be well again, so will do what it takes. It's hard to come to terms with the fact that a child is permitted to cut parents out of something so significant. I feel very lost.

As a seperate note, may I ask if you have any tips for dealing phone/tik tok loving teens? I feel you can't simply let them have it on 24/7 (i'm talking while eating, brushing her teeth, walking along etc). I thought I was doing the right thing setting boundaries...