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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter home from uni for a couple of days

19 replies

Wornouttoday · 04/02/2025 09:39

See my username.. She’s 19 nearly 20, in her second year at a university four hours away. We had a family gathering on Sunday so she came home from uni Saturday evening then went back yesterday afternoon. She had also booked a gp appointment for a routine issue for which it turned out she needed antibiotics. I usually work on Mondays but I arranged a later start so I could spend time with her.

I feel bled dry after nearly 48 hours in her company. She’s a fantastic daughter and I adore her more than life itself but she’s worn me down (have two younger DC still at home). This is because -

we had an argument within five minutes of her arrival at the station because she hadn’t read my text message properly about where I was parked

it was already 8pm and I then had a 35 minute drive on winding country roads being blinded by other drivers headlights

she woke up yesterday tired grumpy and complaining of a sore throat. I met her after gp appt and we had to go to four chemists to get the medication her go had prescribed. She got stroppy and tearful because it was frustrating. I was very late arriving at work.

she has talked AT me about her course, her friendships, the uni. I couldn’t be more happy for her that she’s enjoying everything and making friends and pleased to have made the right choice.

But as I waved her off yesterday afternoon I felt relieved that she was going back. I am exhausted from taking her needs into account, from listening to her, from driving her around and trying to work around her. I don’t want to feel like this about my darling daughter. Has anyone got any tips for managing visits home by young adult children? Can anyone of you relate to what I’m experiencing?

Got a busy few days ahead and honestly just want to lie in a darkened room on my own.

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 04/02/2025 09:43

She was poorly and probably very tired after a 4 hour journey.
I think sometimes students coming home can revert a bit from their start on adulting and need a bit more cossetting than normal.

BigSilly · 04/02/2025 09:45

She was ill, poor thing!

Original poster

Wornouttoday · 04/02/2025 09:46

Yes, good point. She wanted “mummy”. I think it was the extra cosseting that’s worn me out. In addition I am very peri menopausal, almost 50 not 35 so energy levels totally different from when the DC were small.

I guess I feel bled dry from being needed.

OP posts:

ErrolTheDragon · 04/02/2025 09:52

I think it's actually a sort of backhanded compliment and sign of a generally good parent-child relationship that they take you for granted a bit, can behave in ways they wouldn't dream of doing among their peers!

Whoarethoseguys · 04/02/2025 09:56

I think it's nice that she talked about her course and university life she wanted to involve you. It's much better than her shutting you out
And she was ill so wanted some looking after.
I hope she is better and that you also get some rest

Original poster

Wornouttoday · 04/02/2025 09:57

Thanks for your nice messages, make me feel better!

OP posts:

Roundthebend45 · 04/02/2025 10:01

Well you could do what my Mum did and do nothing nice for your daughter at all, make every visit home stressful and horrible and take no interest in her life so she feels she can’t talk to you about her life/friends/uni friends.

I desperately wanted a Mum like you seem to be - talking time out for your daughter and putting her first, making sure she knows she is loved. . I never felt loved or wanted which has had a detrimental effect in my adult life.

It’s such a short time - please don’t make her feel like an inconvenience. She just needed her Mum and a bit of looking after.

OldieButBaddie · 04/02/2025 10:05

It can be a culture shock when they breeze back in, you will both get used to it. But I agree with everyone, even if she is cranky or OTT or even (as happened to me) decides to go all class warrior for a bit (snort) just nod and smile and give them a hug, for this too shall pass 😆

CeceliaImrie · 04/02/2025 10:07

She was poorly and took it out on you. You both sound stressed and low. Be kind to each other and yourselves. I don't think she did anything wrong though.

PenguinLover24 · 04/02/2025 10:09

It's like when a toddler behaves all day at nursery and bursts into tears as soon as they see mum 🤣 she's probably been holding it together being away and having to start "adulting" but coming home, especially when ill she's probably felt some relief and comfort. She also probably just wanted to update you on absolutely every which is nice too. She seems like she values you as a mum and you have a good relationship! My mum and I are like this, I definitely let my emotions go with her as I feel safe. That doesn't stop the fact she gets drained by me though just like you with your daughter 🤣.

ExtraDisorganised · 04/02/2025 10:15

Honestly, when mine comes home he exhausts me too, and sometimes in term time phoning for advice late in the evening when I just want to go to bed, but I love having him back and really don't mind all the taxiing, I love the fact that he still needs his mum a little bit even when things get stressful. I had a nightmare journey home a couple of weeks ago after running him back to uni but it is still worth it. We exchange cross words sometimes too. It sounds as though you two have a good relationship where you can argue and make-up, it is good that she wants to come home and wants to talk to you.

Hdjdb42 · 04/02/2025 10:17

She wasn't very well and a bit grumpy because of it, bless her. She also had to travel for hours while feeling unwell. I think I'd speak to her and suggest that if she's feeling unwell, she doesn't have to come to things. She can face time home and relatives instead.

mattab · 04/02/2025 10:17

Sounds completely normal, and you are a good mum, because she has you. You are just frayed, but once you get some rest, look back and think, she can rely on me, and wants to - I think you've done a good job. Parenting class - tick.

fingfong · 04/02/2025 10:21

I absolutely sympathise. My daughter is the same age and still needs so much emotional support. It's absolutely exhausting and I'm quite relieved when she goes away again! I love and adore her and she would never know that I felt that way, but I'm definitely conscious of being drained, whereas when she was at home full time, I guess I was used to it. Short trips are more draining as she has a lot to get off her chest when she gets home, and definitely needs some mothering. When she was back for summer, it was easier, she fell back into the rhythm of the house quite quickly. Have no advice, but I completely understand!

sparrowflewdown · 04/02/2025 10:24

ErrolTheDragon · 04/02/2025 09:43

She was poorly and probably very tired after a 4 hour journey.
I think sometimes students coming home can revert a bit from their start on adulting and need a bit more cossetting than normal.

I agree. She was also probably offloading the stresses she has had a uni and was exhausted from travelling. Also the switch to being an adult at uni to a dependent child environment again.

Nothatgingerpirate · 04/02/2025 10:48

Your daughter is unwell, full of new experiences and young.

On the other hand, I absolutely understand what you mean of feeling bled dry of being needed.
I'm ND, 45 and everyone has different boundaries, but fuck me, only husband at home and elderly mother in another country wanting phone calls and I absolutely get you.
😉

Completelyjo · 04/02/2025 10:50

And then you’ll be wondering why she comes home and phones less and less!

Original poster

Wornouttoday · 04/02/2025 12:38

CeceliaImrie · 04/02/2025 10:07

She was poorly and took it out on you. You both sound stressed and low. Be kind to each other and yourselves. I don't think she did anything wrong though.

I’m not saying she did anything wrong or that I am cross or angry with her - I’m just worn out from being needed by her.

Thank you for your kind words everyone, we do have a close relationship and I can see that it’s a positive reflection of this that she opens up to me about her uni life. I just don’t have the same desire or energy for “mothering” in an intense way any more.

I’ve booked a swim and sauna this evening so that’s going to help me recover!!!

OP posts:

ExtraDisorganised · 04/02/2025 13:26

I found it surprising how quickly I adjusted to DS being away at uni and started getting used to more time to myself, more hobbies, more leisurely weekends etc, so even if he comes back and on reflection is no more work than he was at say 15, it comes as a bit of a shock to the system. I think that's all this is for you too.

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