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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

14 year old DD self harming, I am completely out of my depth and no idea what to do

14 replies

Monr0e · 02/02/2025 11:39

Please, if anyone has any advice I would be so grateful.

14 year old DD has suffered with anxiety since starting high school. She has done so well and the school have been very supportive however since starting year 10 her anxiety is increasing.

She has recently been seen by the eating disorder clinic as she regularly goes all day not eating at school, and only eating small meals in the evening at home. They felt she did not have an ed however it was more a symptom of her anxiety and way of bringing attention to this. She is having counselling via school and is on the waiting list for CAHMS.

This morning I have picked her up from a sleepover at her grans and noticed numerous scratch marks on the inside of her left wrist. When I have asked her about them she has immediately got defensive, said they were nothing and clammed up.

She is now in her room getting ready to meet her friend and I have no idea how to deal with this. I am terrified of saying the wrong thing, so am left not saying anything. I know this isn't the right way to go about it but I've no idea what to do. I just love her so so much and it breaks my heart to see her suffering. Has anyone has been through anything similar who can advise or can offer any words of wisdom? Thank you.

OP posts:
happygalbetty · 02/02/2025 15:51

If you can afford a different councillor than CAHMS then do that, they're well known for being awful with helping anyone, if the sh is really bad then speak to a mental health nurse asap, it's difficult to talk about with parents/people you know, wishing you both the best!

OnlyFrench · 02/02/2025 15:52

Yes, went through it with DD when she was the same age. Young Minds charity were extremely helpful, GP and CAMHS useless. Eventually family paid for a private assessment at the Priory, hideously expensive but worth it. She had monthly sessions there afterwards which helped a lot.

Flowers look after yourself too

oakleaffy · 02/02/2025 15:56

Probably a cry for help
a myriad of shallow scratches “hidden but not hidden” is pretty typical.
You were meant to have seen them.
( I lived in a hostel with teens as a teen and this was very common if any arguments took place.

Ask what the problem is and what she wants you to do to help?

Being bullied at school?

Octavia64 · 02/02/2025 16:11

Yes my DD had this

What I did:

Said to her that I really didn't want her to hurt herself and that if she ever felt like doing it again she could come and talk to me and rant at me.

I did listen to some rants about (what I personally considered) silly things at stupid o clock at night but frankly I'll take that over self harming.

After a couple I also suggested we take sharp things out of her room so temptation wasn't there.

I also sorted counselling although that had limited success

IdaGlossop · 02/02/2025 16:14

I'm sorry your DD and you are going through this. I hope our story (me and DD's) will help.

One afternoon, when DD was in Y9, school phoned to say DD had been self-harming by cutting her arms. She had begged for me not to be told as I would be angry (I wasn't) but the pastoral person said I would be concerned (I was, very). Before DD came home, I read up about self harm online and learnt that it's a way of expressing something difficult that can't otherwise be expressed. Therefore, as parents, we need to help them find a different way to express difficult feelings. What we mustn't do is ask what's troubling them ie respect their privacy or ask to see the cut marks.

As soon as DD came home, I cuddled her lots and sat down with her on the stairs. All I said was 'We need to find a different way for you to express whatever it is that troubling you. Will you let me make an appointment for you with the GP? I'll come in with you, then I'll leave so you can talk to the GP by yourself.' She agreed. The first appointment went as planned, she had a few more with the same GP and that was it.

She's 22 now and in her final year at university, doing very well, really sociable, and with a fantastic boyfriend (fellow student). As far as I know, there has been no recurrence. At an appointment of my own with the GP, I said to the GP that I knew he couldn't talk to me about another patient (thank-you Victoria Gillick) but that I wanted to ask him two questions which required yes or no answers. He said I could go ahead. I asked 'Did my daughter talk to you about self harm?' and 'Based on your conversations with her, is it reasonable to work on the basis that she is nolonger self-harming?' The answer was yes in both cases. Eight years later, I do not know what she was troubled about (I would never ask and she hasn't told me). She has faint scars on her arms and happily wears sleeveless things and bikinis.

I was told by school that there is often an element of copy-catting with self harm and that year 9, which I think your DD is, is the year when girls in particular can have a hard time. I learnt from another school, at which I was the safeguarding governor, that cutting in Year 9 was rife that year in our city ie more copy-catting evidence. My DD in Y8 had a sort-of-boyfriend and she suspected him of cutting, something that may or may not have been relevant.

I hope all this gives you are starting point. In summary, be empathetic but not prying, don't make a big song and dance, suggest GP as a starting point, be a facilitator but don't see yourself as the solution.

Monr0e · 02/02/2025 16:27

Thank you so much everyone
Your stories most definitely help.

I waited till she came back downstairs and just gave her a massive hug.

When I picked her up later on I asked if we could talk about it, she said no but I told her as her mum I love her and can't ignore it. She said it has been a couple of weeks and she couldn't say what triggered it. I tried not to push it any more today.

@oakleaffy they did appear like shallow scratches from the brief look I got. No bullying at school but school is very stressful for her and has been since she started. I think the pressure of year 10 and the constant gcse chat and classroom assessments is making her anxiety all the worse at the moment.

@IdaGlossop Thank you for pointing out about not asking for the trigger but for looking for alternative ways of dealing with the emotions.

@OnlyFrench with Young Minds did you contact them or did your dd? And what kind of support did they offer?

I will certainly look at private counselling but not sure where to start with this to be honest. @Octavia64 if you didn't find it very helpful, what did help if anything?

I hope all your dc's are happy and healthy now, thank you very much for sharing your stories and advice.

OP posts:
OnlyFrench · 02/02/2025 16:38

I contacted YM, gave them a brief synopsis and they arranged a one hour phone consultation with me. It was more about confirming that I was on the right track with the approach I was taking, rather than dealing direct with my DD. This was a while ago so things might have changed.

CarnivorousHipPain · 02/02/2025 16:41

Tell her you love her and that you'll do whatever you can to help her feel better. Don't get into a high emotion conversation about it - unless it's her emotions, in which case let her get them out even if they're negative.

I recommend looking at ways she can get her upset and frustration out. Even if you need to go out in the garden and smash some old plates together, she needs something to express her feelings.

It wouldn't have been hard for her to hide this, so even though she clammed up, she probably wants to talk about it or have it acknowledged in some way. That doesn't mean this is attention seeking behaviour - it's a desire to have an external expression of an internal emotion, which is not the same as attention seeking. Don't listen to anyone who tells you it's for attention.

You need to be really careful to approach this but do impress the seriousness of leaving any permanent marks. It's extremely inconvenient to have to wear particular clothes for the rest of your life and it's impossible to hide them from future partners and medical professionals. It makes swimming difficult. Sunbathing too. Every summer will be a nuisance because she'll have to either cover up or get stared at. I don't recommend showing her any examples, because it can make people worse to see other people's SH, but do make it really clear that this can have a lifelong impact.

She will get better. Please don't worry that she won't get better. I've seen lots of people get better from being much worse than this.

It's just hard to be a teenage girl. She needs a lot of love as well as a steady background influence as she grows up. Having a mum who loves her is already the best thing you can do for her. It's a really hard time, but you'll get through it together.

doricgirl80 · 02/02/2025 16:45

I work in this area and there are a few things that might be helpful:

www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/ - run a phone and text helpline that you and your daughter could both contact

www.selfharm.co.uk/ - this is a free online course for young people struggling with SH

calmharm.stem4.org.uk/ - app with distractions

It's a really tricky situation but I totally agree with the people who've said your daughter needs your support without judgement and try not to panic. In my experience the number one thing that supports people to stop is compassionate support. Thinking about what need the SH is meeting and looking for alternatives can also be helpful and for some people thinking about what's happening in the lead up can't be helpful in identifying patterns.

It can be hard for people to pin down triggers and reasons so even thinking about what changes when you SH can help to get a sense of the function and help with looking for alternatives.

There is more about this and suggestions of alternatives on the first website.

Also I'd really advise seeking some support for yourself where you can express whatever you feel while offering that nonjudgmental support to your daughter.

If you're willing to say what area you're in here or in DM I might be able to signpost to a specific service that could help.

Keep being a great parent and sending lots of compassion and healing vibes to your family.

doricgirl80 · 02/02/2025 16:46

Sorry thinking about the lead up CAN be helpful in identifying patterns!

LovelySunnyDayToday · 02/02/2025 17:12

Thanks for sharing the links @doricgirl80

DS's girlfriend has done this. Her Mum drinks too much apparently and sounds like hard work.

DS was really upset and didn't know what to do so told us. We suggested he ask school for some support. His GF lied and said everything was fine and it was all a misunderstanding. She's worried they'll call her parents and that'll get her in trouble.

I've suggested to DS they spend more time hanging out here than at hers.

I'll have a look at the links and see if they might be helpful. She's a sweet girl, and I'd also say she does eat enough food. I try to feed her lots when she's here.

I don't want to go charging in, so haven't told her that we know about her mum / self harm... They're 14/15 and think they are so grown up. It's a difficult age.

LovelySunnyDayToday · 02/02/2025 17:13

(DOESN'T eat enough food!)

Monr0e · 02/02/2025 18:47

Again, I can't thank you all enough for the advice and support. And for the reminder to take care of myself also. She doesn't want me to tell her dad so I feel I'm carrying all my worries for her on my own.

Shes not feeling great (has a cold, nothing related) so I've run her a bath and made her a hot chocolate and we've had a cuddle. I'm just really unsure how and when to bring it up again and also what my next steps should be.

I'll contact school tomorrow as a start. And I will look at those links - we are in Manchester if that helps.

And thank you for the reassurances that she will be ok

OP posts:
doricgirl80 · 04/02/2025 20:53

Am really glad you've found the thread helpful.

In Manchester 42nd Street is a great organisation who will definitely support young people around self harm and anxiety.

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