Single mum dating / teenager unhappy

[Peaceonearthplease]

I’m a single Mum to a thirteen year old girl. I’ve raised her since birth on my own, there has never been any contact with her father. We are very close and have a happy, stable fulfilled life together, we’re a tight little unit. I have not had a relationship in 13 years but 6 months ago, I met a wonderful man and we are long distance dating. I am slowly trying to introduce the idea of me having a partner to my daughter. She met him briefly at a dinner with friends and she knows that we talk and facetime at night. We are planning a summer holiday with another family where my partner will join us for a few days. My daughter is very upset and says that the relationship between us will change. I have no intention of living with my partner and have tried to reassure her that she is my No 1. Looking for guidance and experience from other single Mums who have navigated this situation. I really want to get it right for my daughter♥️🙏🏼

6 months is quite quick to be booking in holidays all together. Why not just keep his name around so she knows he's there but don't initiate any meet ups for quite a while, she will see your relationship isn't changing even though he's in the picture. Throwing him into your holiday won't be filling her with joy. As this is mumsnet you'll be told to never introduce someone, I don't agree with that (I'm a single mum to a 7 year old and been seeing someone a year but no introduction yet, we are going slow) but if she isn't happy you need to slow it down. Show her you're seeing him but away from her

She will soon be going to see her friends on her own so you will have more time to pursue a relationship. I wouldn't rush things. If he is a decent man he would understand

Why the rush? You're hardly slowly introducing him if you've only been dating 6 months and she's already met him and you've planned to be on holiday together.

You're telling her nothing will change and then immediately changing the holiday dynamic she has been used to for 13 years.

You seriously need to rethink just how slowly you're taking things, because it sounds pretty damn quick to me.

Agree with previous posters, a holiday is way too soon, your daughter couldn’t be making it any clearer that she doesn’t feel comfortable with this. All very well and good saying ‘you’re my number 1’ but actions saying otherwise.

A relationship with a man could still break down no matter how wonderful he is. You don't want to cause irreversible harm to your relationship with your daughter. She will naturally start pulling away, all teenagers do. You need to play this game with a long-term view

I had the same when I was briefly dating when the kids were teenagers. I decided to just not date until they had flown the nest and just enjoy my last few years with them living at home without changing what they are comfortable with. Now they have left and I have no desire to date and I’m super happy to be single.

My parents also divorced when I was a teenager and my mum met someone new. I remember hating it myself and it completely changed our dynamic. It’s fine now again but there is something about introducing strange men to teenage daughters that just doesn’t work.

Agree with PPs- there is no need for him to join you on holiday. Take it much slower than you are currently taking it.

Tell her YES, things will change. Over time she will grow up and find someone special, she will have a child etc, move to her desired study and work.
Remind your daughter that change can be positive. That you two will always talk and express how you feel so that you can cope with change. You will always have each other.

It is a great idea to not move in with your new partner until your daughter is happy. Right now it is the unknown.that worries her. Tell her she is very wise to be concerned with a new person. It is best to be cautious and that you are proud she wants the best for you.

Help her test out the unknown on the holiday.

What if she doesn’t meet someone special? What if she doesn’t want a child?

I actually think this is gaslighting, twisting her unease into caring about the mum? I don’t think that’s what she is saying and this would be putting words into her mouth.

Some change is unavoidable of course but going on holiday with a man, who to her is a stranger, is not an opportunity to manipulate to get what you want as a mum.

I don't think 6 months is that fast to meet - especially as it's away from your home.

She's 13 not 8 or 9, she should be able to process that someone else might come into your lives. Does she have other family members she is close to and can discuss her feelings? I think communication between you two, and her having an outlet is important.

OP you’ll find that MN thinks single parents shouldn’t have relationships. Unless you’re widowed, and then you can move someone in the next day. I’ve seen many threads that demonstrate this.

By the time the holiday comes around you’ll have been together for a year, which is plenty of time. The only thing I think is that maybe she should meet him briefly another couple of times before she has to spend several days with him in the summer. If that’s possible. Also, try not to be too “coupley” in front of her, because that’ll take a lot of getting used to for her.

I went through similar, in that my kids have no father, and I met someone when my sons were 10 and 6. I introduced him slowly but they didn’t like it, especially DS1. We had a rocky few months. But when they realised that actually their lives wouldn’t change particularly (DP and I don’t live together) they were fine about it. 9 years on and he’s been a definite positive feature in their lives. They’d both be really sad if we split up.

Your DD needs to know that you’re still the same person, and your lives aren’t going to fundamentally change.

@MumblesParty no I don't think they should have relationships that they drag the kids into after only 6 months. The fact you think this is fine says a lot. Just look at the never ending stream of "blended family" threads and perhaps you'll see why.

Interesting variety of opinions. I should add that by the time we go on holiday, I will have been dating for nearly one year. Between now and the holiday, I hope to have a few more opportunities for my daughter to meet him casually in a group setting. We have no intention of moving in together for many years.

Even though a year seems a longer time, holiday does seem an odd place to have this be the first longer meet up. It will inevitably disrupt the dynamic, it can't not.
Personally, she's at a tender age and feeling conflicted about wanting mum around and also wanting to make her own way with friends etc. Personally, I'd drop the holiday talk at this point and just do the odd casual meet with bf if you are determined that she should get to know him (I didn't intro anyone until much later myself and was glad as I had a 9 month relationship which ended but my DC didnt get affected at all as they didnt know him).
When I did introduce, it was something fairly low key like invite to dinner mid week so then kids go off to do homework etc and bf then heads off home. Something where there's no pressure to "enjoy" or spend time with each other. A walk or something like that would also work.

I wouldn't date for the first time when my daughter is entering her teen years when I am all she has. Just 5 more years and you're free.

Yea, I kind of agree. You can't really get it right when you are doing somehting that she doesn't want you to do. This would have been a lot easier to do when she was younger, but the age she is now she is very unlikely to change her opinion and it will change the relationship you have with her, whether you want it to or not. I think when she is later teens she would understand your need to meet someone better, but 13-15 is quite possibly the absolute worse age for introducing a new boyfriend. Especially since you are all that she has, all of her security comes from you.

the replies on here are totally ludicrous

as a single parent with no father around - it's really natural and important the Op will be open and let her daughter know she has a boyfriend! I grew upwith separated parents and would much prefer when they were honest !

Why on earth would you keep him totally hidden?

And yes, after a year it's absolutely natural to iintroduce him in a relaxed environment.

Nothing wrong with you dating away from the house, but I wouldn't involve her or expect her to meet him at all. She'll be off with her friends shortly, and these last years are such a sensitive time for teens. I'd ease off for a while.

I have a 16yo. I date discreetly without sharing any details. No fuss and no changes at home. My child comes first, and I take the view that if a man is worth it, he'll wait.

7:52am is far too early in the morning to be this drunk.