Any help will help

[Helpasadmummy]

Good evening, I've never been on a chat before because I'm old. My beautiful 17 year old adopted son and I are not getting on as well as you used to. I'm not handling it right because we end up shouting at each other and I end up in tears. Please help me to so better.

You don't say what you're arguing about.

Depending on how old you are, it could be that he feels you're out of touch with young people these days.

He could also be struggling with the fact he's adopted and having many unanswered questions.

Without some more information, it's hard to say.

I would ask @MNHQ to move this over to the Adoption Board. You'll get some experienced MNers in there.

Depending how severe the arguments are, you could talk to his SW too?

I agree the adoption board may be better. Both my adopted DC had issues at that age linked back to early life, on top of just being 17.

Without much to go on then counselling for both would be a good first step to improve communication.

I've not adopted but mine had problems like you say just being 17. I can imagine that early trauma would make things more difficult and advice on this board might not always be appropriate

I agree I think early trauma would make a difference here. However in the immediate, count to 10 and breathe before you react, leave the small stuff however irritating, grab the times he is chatty and show interest. Walk away if things get heated. Remember you are his safe space so you are the one he can show all his emotions to so you have to be his constant and his rock. This does not mean not having boundaries. It will pass.

Yes. All very valid points, and I may talk to a sw. I've spoken to his 6th form today, and also wellbeing to see if I can get him someone to talk to. He's 6 foot 5 beautiful boy, but really only a little boy deep down and I just want to do the best for him. He's very bright the aguements are usually about him engaging at school. He was fine till 6th form where he has a bit more independence.

I appreciate you’re trying to help him make the most of his life. But at 17 if he doesn’t want to engage with school I’m not sure you can force him? He needs to figure out what he wants himself. All you can do is point out the consequences of not engaging at school (so not being able to go to Uni/less job choices etc).

Can you come at it from a different angle? So rather than arguing - try to find out why he’s not enjoying school so much. Could be a lack of confidence with the step up to A-levels? He needs support and help.

You really have to choose your battles at this age.