Recovering from big fall outs with DD18

[17Butterfly71]

TLDR: How can I make sure my relationship with my DD18 recovers from terrible rows over the last couple of months? And positive stories of recovery!

I'm looking for some advice/reassurance from people who have had very difficult times with their teenage daughters and advice/tips on how to repair relationships properly so that I can have a bit of hope while I'm currently feeling emotionally bruised and like things will never get back to normal (warning: I am a massive over-thinker and catastrophiser!)

I have always had a really good relationship with my DD. She's had some difficult times, but has usually listened to and acted on advice given. We've always had the odd flare up with rows, but I can't say they were anything other than your typical teenager/parent fallout.

Over the last few months things have become much more difficult. I was diagnosed with cancer in September 2023 and finished treatment in summer 24. I have become terrified of what might happen in the future for my DD if I'm not around. So it's not the actual fear of the cancer coming back, it's more about how she'll cope with life in general if I'm not around as she has been quite dependent on me. I am also on preventative meds that have put me into forced menopause, so I'm dealing with all of that too.

This means I've been overthinking everything and trying really hard to support her put mechanisms in place to become as resilient as possible. The 2 major concerns I have are that she finds it incredibly difficult to manage her emotions sometimes and has extreme outbursts at small things, and that she is obsessed with her boyfriend and doesn't have her own life going on (watches tiktok for 20 - 30 hours a week! Doesn't see her friends very often. Doesn't have any hobbies). Thankfully, she gets on with her college work and is doing well at that.

The most recent and major fallout was because she had a big problem with her boyfriend, he cut her off and she didn't eat/sleep for 3 days, didn't go to college, and only spoke to me about it, not her friends. Sadly, I now don't have a great view of her boyfriend because of how he treated her, but she has forgiven him and is merrily moving on. I've tried to support her put mechanisms in place to build her life separate to him and told her I would only support her relationship if she did those things, but that massively back-fired. Like majorly and worse than I've ever seen before.

Lessons I've learned - even though what I'm doing comes from a place of protecting her and trying to support her do the right thing, she doesn't see it that way. I can't let her think that there are conditions attached to my support - that approach failed in the most catastrophic way.

Any advice or experience from those who have been in a similar situation would be very welcome 😊

She’s growing up and will make mistakes. Try to step back from rescuing and giving her advice. Concentrate on your own life, see your own friends, get outside in the fresh air and make yourself your number one. It will put things in perspective more.

OP as a fellow catastrophizer and over thinker I think the first steps might be to get on top of your own anxiety. This is going to affect your DD and your relationship to her. If she thinks that YOU trust her judgment and decisions, and are not constantly worrying about her, it will empower her to start stepping into an adult role. Good luck.

I think there are two parts to this - what YOU think your DD needs, as a result of the difficult time you have been through and your fears for not being around for the future for your DD, and secondly what SHE, at 18 needs.

For the first one, I think you need to recognise that your anxiety over possibly not being around and wanting your DD18 to have the emotional
maturity and resilience to cope with everything at only 18 is too much to put on her. All you should be expecting at this age is that she makes mistakes and learns from them. You’ve said in your OP she usually listens to advice and acts on it, don’t spoil this obviously good relationship you have with your DD by trying to make her grown up and mature and have the resilience of a 25 or 30 yr old, when she is just 18.

I agree with other posters that you should focus a bit more on yourself, as it sounds like you have had a difficult time and could use the self care, and pull back a bit to where you were before all this with your daughter. Perhaps even some professional help to manage your emotions/feelings about wanting her to be all prepared incase something happens to you. I don’t think anyone is ever prepared. I think all you can ever do is make sure she knows she is loved.

Secondly - think about what your DD needs. At 18 she needs to make mistakes - bad jobs, bad boyfriends, fail tests - in a supportive and loving environment that teaches her by example that she doesn’t need to put up with bad behaviour from bosses or boyfriends. That she can put boundaries around her time, energy and feelings. That eating well and exercising and having multiple strands to her life - friends, family, boyfriend, health, work etc are key, because one will always be going badly, and you need the others to buck you up and give you perspective. She needs to see you model all these things too, so she sees a strong female role
model doing this. And finally, she is 18 and this will be a work in progress for the next 7 years or so. Every experience is a learning one. Help her grow. This is the best way to leave a legacy for her, if you have to leave her part way through her life.

Your daughter is healthy, has been dating and doing well at college. Start praising her for how on track her life is and commiserating with her about the agonies of love. Everything is fine, tell her she’s great and you trust her to make a good life for herself.

I would start with getting counselling for yourself op, and processing what having cancer has done to your sense of safety and wellbeing. It’s likely had the most enormous impact on you - including fear of leaving dd alone.

You are looking at her vulnerability and she is so young still, and of course you are scared for her.

Who is going to pick up the pieces if you are not there?

So of course you are imploring her to make ‘better’ decisions, to be more mature but she isn’t at that stage yet. You are almost rushing her development so you can feel safe, but she isn’t able to do that, nor should she, so you are clashing. Everything has changed for you, but she won’t be impacted in the same way.

Step back, let her live her own life.

You can buy a book and write your wishes for her, your motherly advice. Just in case, you can set her up financially should the worst happen. Does she have close relationships with other family members? Family friends? All of these things are protective.

It is a shock facing the worst case scenario as a mother, and living with uncertainty. It’s natural to feel so worried for the future after experiencing serious illness, get some support. Praise your dd for her achievements, confidence and self respect can take you a long way in life op 💐

This ^

Also please LISTEN.

My mother never actually listened to me, even when I was being completely reasonable.

I was sent to a VI form I hated and I ended up in hospital because the stress caused physical problems, I was still not allowed to leave.

That was the end of me having any decent relationship with my mother.

What I needed was to be listened to and understood.

Now that might not be what your DD needs but you can ask her.

Thanks all for your advice - it's really helpful and reinforces what I know myself. The most important thing for me is to not feel it is my responsibility to fix things when she's making mistakes. I can be there for her, listen and she can ask for my advice, but even if she wants my advice, I can't expect her to take it. And above all, not ever make my support conditional on anything.

Ironically, I have been having counselling - 3 sessions so far. I think I just need to put into practice more what I have been talking about during therapy. I also don't need to explain and justify myself to her - she can't possibly be expected to understand and that would be unfair of me to think she can.

As a lot of you have said, I need to focus on my own life and role model what it looks like to have lots of positive things going on. I do always praise her for the good stuff - I need to keep doing that more than ever now to build our relationship back up.

Thanks for taking the time to respond 😊

Cut yourself some slack op. You must have had a horrendous time even without the teen issues 💐