Don't know how to help my stressed unhappy 18 year old

[Workisntworking]

My 18 yr DD in U6 is miserable and I don't know how to help her.

She is very stressed by her studies - not by her marks but the revision and exam process itself.

She finds it difficult to focus. She looks like she does lots of study but she's not actually productive. She says she'd like to be like her brother who doesn't care about studies but is sharply focused so gets better marks with much less work/time.

She says there is no fun in her life. She used to draw, write and play a sport. She has given up the sport as she hadn't got time, especially with fitting in learning to drive. She has lost the motivation and time to draw and write.

She has changed her mind about university courses multiple times, last changing yesterday and still thinks she's made the wrong choice. She said she hates when people bring up university at school as she is the only one not very excited.

She says she has no motivation to do anything. I think she sounds depressed.

I've asked if the School Counsellor can help after they previously let her unload and then said they couldn't help.
She is getting some other counselling but they only have 3 sessions available. She feels that she keeps having to explain herself without getting help.
That said I think she should see the GP for possible depression but that can only be chemical help - anything else will be a long wait.

She's not gone to school today, exhausted by it all.

What do we do?

Sending sympathy. DD2 is also U6 and currently wrestling with recent mocks and ensuing focus on revision, coursework deadlines, part-time job, driving lessons, and some extra-curricular pressure too. We have had lots of conversations about how this year is just a bit brutal, and it's a question of counting down to June. They can be so hard on themselves, particularly if they're on track to do well. DD2 has recently decided on a gap year next year, and I think a lot of the attraction is just time to step off the treadmill and STOP...

There isn't really much help to be had for this. she doesn't sound mentally ill, its just situational depression. Its normal around exams, theyare stressful by nature. Once they're over, she will feel better.

I just want to say that IMO U6th is an awful year now. The stress on young people now of the exams and uni entrance is just too much. Many parents look back on their own experiences which were a breeze by comparison. Now there is so much more pressure/competition and just information, it’s easy to go into overload. It’s understandable and many teens feel this way (although it can often feel like everyone else is fine). We didn’t find the school counsellor any use at all, but some talking therapy is probably the best route. Could she reconsider her aims: pause on the driving? Consider a gap year? Take some time to do some fun things while there is a gap between mocks and the real thing? I really hope you get to the bottom of it, but she is definitely not on her own in struggling this year.

She may find it helpful to consider a gap year and applying for uni later.

It would give her a chance to try a few jobs out, takes the immediate stress of worrying about applying for the wrong uni course out.

I just heard back from her form teacher that the School Counsellor has no capacity. They trumpet the service but it's not really there.

This was me at that age to a T. Encourage her to take a year off before uni. I was not excited whatsoever, I didn’t want to go and all I heard from school and friends was how excited I should have been.
I took a year out where I worked FT, got thousands together in savings, gained some independence; then decided on a course close to home which I finished last year.
Year out takes the pressure off too, it is so soon finishing exams in June then off hundreds of miles from home three months later.

And she knows she just has to get through the year but she says she can't continue. She needs to get off the treadmill. I'm sure it wasn't this bad when I was that age.

Might she have ADHD? Difficulty in focusing was a big sign for my DS that we missed

Why is it assumed she will go to university.

Perhaps the studying lifestyle is not for her and a job would be better ?

Sounds like she needs a break. And more breaks when "studying" if its not going well. Send her out the door every couple of hours to walk the block for 5-10mins or to the shop or something similarly short and simple. Get her away from the room, the computer, the books, the screens.

I'd be sending her back to her sport tomorrow and encouraging her to open her days to more than study.

She's burning out and, so staring at the materials and getting upset about how badly it's going will make her worse not better.

Counselling - have a look at things like https://www.stepbystep.org.uk/young-people/mental-health/counselling/ and see if she can get free counselling that way.

I know she's 18 and you can't actually "send" her to anything, but she is looking to you for help and actually the biggest help she will benefit from is a break and something in life that she actually enjoys like her sports.

Her brother may just be more intelligent. That’s the rub and as unfair as it is I have seen students who do the bare minimum get really good degree results while others are so stressed and working every minute and just get ok grades. It’s too much for her.

She actually needs to do something she enjoys and not just study.

She is talking about it which is good maybe let her take a breather and stop wondering what course she should do. Or she may be someone who is not suited for University.

She wants to go to university. She just can't pin down the subject.

She's a year into a wait to be assessed with the NHS.

We had a private assessment last year which said she didn't have ADHD because she did not struggle as a child.

She won’t get anywhere dropping out, that’s the trouble.

Six months till it ends then her life is her own. She’s not ill, exams are awful, no one sane enjoys this time of life. But it’s short.

If she can’t focus, you can - stay ruthlessly positive on the benefits of finishing school.

She has given up the sport as she hadn't got time

This was not a good move. You have to make time. Having something to focus on which isn’t school work is paramount for mental health and focus. It may seem like she’s taking time away from revising but then the time actually spent doing it is more productive.
Former teacher speaking here - I always encouraged my students to keep up their extra curricular lives.

Have you reviewed the absolute basics?
For example; good sleep (7-8 hours quality and regular schedule
Healthy varied diet
Regular exercise
Fresh air
What does she really enjoy as a pamper .... I took DD away for a just is night . It was only a nice hotel in Birmingham and she wasn't keen
We had face masks and chill in the room time / dinner out together and some girly shopping. With no intention to she ended up sharing some emotional baggage that night and it really helped discussing in a different and much more neutral relaxed environment how I could better support her moving forward
Just an idea
There is so much pressure these days to decide early what to do career wise it can be overwhelming . Remind her that's she is so young still it really really doesn't matter if she hasn't a clue now . It's okay not to know.
Take a year out / work/ travel ?
The world is at her feet but it will still be there in 5 / 10 years.

Hi, I have ADHD and was diagnosed at 23. I had the exact same issue as your daughter and was overwhelmed by exams and couldn't decide on uni. I had an idea what I wanted to do but wasnt sure. I felt overwhelmed by the concept of uni and thought I'd fail so I didn't go and started working instead. I had a great career in sales until I was diagnosed, medicated and finally felt confident in my studying ability so went and got my degree. By the time I was diagnosed, I'd realised that I actually wanted to study something completely different to what I'd thought at 18. I'm now working in my field and couldn't be happier.
I'm not saying she's got ADHD, but it may be something to look into? Medication would set her mind straight and help things feel less heavy. Be prepared to go private if so unless you want to wait 10 years for an NHS doctor. It's £100 a month in meds and prescriptions.
Other than that, she needs to take a few years out of school, go to work and decide what she likes. None of my friends who went to uni at 18 have gone into jobs that are relevant to their degree and some of them just barely tried/messed around because they were young.
Good luck

Oh I remember this, and it's got to be worse nowadays.

From the outside I'd suggest picking up her sport again as long as it's not a massive time commitment or finding something else easy to do - running/gym/coaching/something she can pick up and go; pausing the driving unless she is very motivated with it; and taking a gap year. That will lighten the load right now, and hopefully help with the feeling of overwhelm. Then next year she can throw herself back into driving lessons, work, and just mature. It will give her space to make a decision on university courses and she will be in a better financial position as well as a year further on in maturity. I really really should have done this myself a hundred years ago, but was too caught up with my notion of doing it "right". There is no right.

Good luck to you both x

a) Take a GAP year so uni is knocked back to be a problem for another time
b) She needs to solve the 'does a lot of study but is not productive' issue.

Suggestions on (b). She talks through with you / her tutor how she in general goes about work. Does she have clear aims and plans for each session? Does she know how to take notes do mindmaps etc? does she essay plan effectively? If doing STEM does she do enough problems? If she could solve this issue then everything else might improve.

She is very stressed by her studies - not by her marks but the revision and exam process itself.
Have you looked at different styles of study; different strokes for different folks.

I'd suggest a gap year. University is so expensive these days and doesn't necessarily translate into better jobs/pay (see here) but does guarantee more study. Having said that, sometimes study support is better at University than school.
If she is dead set on University then make sure that she considers the assessment method (e.g. all-exam versus coursework) and the quality of student support.

It wasn't. There's a fuckload of pressure on kids now that I'm sure we didn't have.

If things are really that bad, would it be an option to spread her sixth form studies over 3 years? The school/college will get funding for 3 years for her, and it may be that taking exams in all three subjects this year is just too much. It's more common when kids have picked the wrong subjects and want to take up a new one, but is it worth talking to the school and seeing what they can suggest? Could driving take a back seat for now until after exams?

I just want to say off the back of this, absolutely for lots of people this is needed.

However, speaking as a neurodiverse person, I cannot juggle more than one or two things at a time or I drop all the balls. If OPs dd is indeed ND, it could be the same for her. Work is the only "big thing" I'll do on a work day or I burn out, and at least one day a week I need to do absolutely nothing to reset

It is so hard for young people at this stage. People expect them to know what they want to do and to go all out for it and put in masses of work, when really they have no idea what direction they want to go in. So frustrating to be working so hard for something when you don't really know what it is!

I think maybe she needs a year out - if she can start now to research how she might spend that year it will give her an aim to reach for whilst going through all the A-level stuff.

One of my DDs took a year out - she didn't go off on the classic gap year (which can in itself feel like a pressure to do something "worthwhile" and adventurous) but pottered about doing bits of voluntary work, painting, making music, studying for an extra A level that she was interested in .... it was a year to be herself, to grow up a bit, to ditch having people urging her on to the next step. Having her A-level results made applying to uni so much easier and she in fact went on to study the subject she did her extra A level in. She just needed a bit of time with the pressure off - and she cooked some great meals for the family too!

Your DD needs time to be herself - to explore what might interest her with the pressure taken off. She is very young - there is no reason at all why she should have any idea what she wants to do.

I have no idea why I studied what I did at uni, but I was under pressure to come up with something, so I did. I made a career of it, but looking back there are so many other things I could have done. If I had had a happy home life it would have been good to take some time out to think at that point.

She has changed her mind about university courses multiple times, last changing yesterday and still thinks she's made the wrong choice.
It's OK. It's a choice of sorts and something ticked off her To Do list. She doesn't have to follow through on it; she can change her mind any time between here and late September. She can have a re-think on course/University or even go in 2026 (or later) instead.
Put it to one side and concentrate on getting the A Level grades because without those this is all a bit pie in the sky (but don't say that out loud; too much pressure!)