How to manage teen ds's negative outlook/ 'joking'

[TethersMiddle]

Don't really know how this has come about or how to explain.

I feel like ds of going to push friends/ potential friends away. He's trying to be nice or funny (or thinks he is) but sometimes every comment that he makes is negative or a put down as a joke.

He's not meaning to put people down, but he does. Sometimes I know it's insecurity - teenage years are difficult. For example, to make conversation he might think about something embarrassing that happened to someone and retell it as an anecdote. This means the person is embarrassed, but has to laugh politely.

If confronted, he acts superior and argues back, no matter the company. It's like he's lost all awareness of how he's coming across.

I've tried telling him that it's never good to make people feel embarrassed - or to have to laugh politely, but he just doesn't see it. He thinks they're laughing with him. He doesn't see that they're just being polite, but feeling awkward

Other times, it's 'smart comments'. Not meant badly, but just not nice.

I feel it's got worse over the past 6 months or so and I don't know what to do.

His intention isn't bad, but it all always comes out wrong. He never used to be like this.

At school, they say he is smart, happy and well liked. At home I see someone so immature for his years in relation to other teens. Not like a pre teen than an older one. If not younger.

Hate it when they are the teenage version of precocious . They can be like smug mr know it all's

He probably won't listen to you, as teenagers think parents know nothing. He needs his friends/peers to bring him down a peg or two.

Teacher here.

I see it multiple times every day.

Inside he is a ball of insecurity and he is trying to cover it up.

It's projection.

Try to find a way to get him to talk about what's eating him up.

I absolutely know it’s insecurity. My concern is that (although there was a catalyst *) he’s entering a cycle where his insecurities will be of his own making. I am so worried.

*he started a new school 6 months before covid hit. After lockdown his two best friends moved away at a similar time (1 parents moved for work, 2 moved abroad). He’s struggled to find other good friendships. He’s well liked, but other people have their tribe.

I don’t know how to deal with this or help him. He won’t let me help.

He has a physical difference (very lazy eye and squint) that shouldn’t really be an issue, but I’ve come to realise that people are often tactless or mean. This has also knocked his confidence over the years.

Is he involved in sports etc outside of school to help broaden his friendships and show school isn’t the only place to make friends? Perhaps a team sport where he can mix with others or something like Karate to build his confidence?

He plays tennis weekly. He was in a band, but that didn’t help because they were playing music apart from a 20 minute break and talk was discouraged (not playing anymore). He goes to some other clubs, but others seem to know each other already.

He had such close friends for years that it’s like he’s never had to learn how to make friends. He’s popular, but can’t take the step to deeper friendships and I think this attitude is going to push people away.

This kind of ‘banter’ is very common with teen boys- not particularly nice imo, but also part of how they socialise.

I wouldn’t be too concerned unless it’s being done in a malicious way or he’s taking it too far.

By a lot you can do when he's with peers but I'd call him out on it when he's with you

the boys in my sons friendship group all banter and put each other down but observing I note it’s done with warmth and tactful humour because they really like each other. It sounds like your sons behaviour comes from a different place though and is actually hurtful.

More clubs and more opportunities to make friends. Possibly also volunteering where he is helper with younger children (cubs?) so that he can be a leader in a responsible role and role modelling.

I was like this , definitely insecurity and for me poor communication skills.

I learnt the hard way, by annoying people who walked away. I've learnt to hold my tongue but if I have a few drinks it still slips out (not an excuse so I rarely drink)

My dd is similar, I tried to tell her in her teens but she wouldn’t hear it. She's in her twenties now and still like it.

We find her hard work at times but attempts to explain it fall on deaf ears.

I am autistic and it wouldn’t surprise if she is too.

I think he thinks it's coming from a place of warmth and tactful humour, but having witnessed it first hand this week, it's not coming across that way. At all. But if I pull him up on it, he thinks it's all good because it's not coming from a bad place.

He's always been quite busy, but struggles with large groups (fear of bullying, I think - without wanting to project), hence why his activities have tended towards those that are with people, but not (like the band and tennis).

What I've seen recently has sent a cold feeling to the pit of my stomach. He's been struggling recently and now I can see why. He's not open to listening because 'we don't understand, but they do understand that it's a joke' etc. I don't know what to do and I can see things getting worse for him, which will make him unhappier.

We never had these problems when he was younger. Now he's at the age (older teen) that I never thought we'd have these problems.

it's so tough Op - do you think that perhaps life will just have to rub the edges off him? I look back at some of my behaviour between 16 and 25 and am appalled!! I was unkind, self obsessed, overly dramatic, bitchy - (I have diaries so I can read it all!)

But - I grew and learnt as I went through sixth form college, uni etc - it sounds like he just needs a lot of mixing with other people and gentle prods from you

hard as it is, as parents we have to watch them make their mistakes as well and have faith they will come out the other side having learnt some hard lessons.

I’d do it back to him, he can see what it feels like then