Advice needed. My DD has been SA

[Viktoria47]

Hi everyone.

Last week my world crashed when I received a call from school informing me that my nearly 15 yo DD has been SA by a boy who is the same age.
This happened few months ago and she only disclosed this now.

School said that they did not need to inform the police. They have also not informed the boys parents as he goes to different school and they don’t have the duty to do this.

I need an advice on what do and how to support my DD. She doesn’t want to report this to police , she also doesn’t want us to speak to the boys parents
I don’t want to take the control of the situation from her but surly this boy has to face consequences.
I know the mum . Should I inform her ?

I feel so confused and don’t know what to do next and how to best support my lovely daughter. .

Can people please share their advise. Many thanks

That is so so hard and I am so sorry you're all experiencing it

KCSIE is the policy telling schools what they should do and the school
Should have its own policy which they can provide to you. KCSIE pretty much says the school should consider all reports necessary to safeguard but doesn't require them to report to the police. If he's at a different school I assume this didn't happen there

Your daughter has every right to report or not as she wishes. It may be that you want to have a conversation with her that empowers her to report, but I fear many girls at my school wouldn't as they're well aware of the low conviction rates and high levels of stress attached.

Is she ankle to be referred to counselling to support her? School should be able to help with this.

I'm so sorry that this happened. The first thing I would advise is contacting Victim Support's Youth Service Children and young people - Victim Support, it'll be quicker to get in touch via phone rather than email. They're brilliant, and will allocate her a support worker, can sort out counselling for her, and talk her through her options and what will happen if she discloses to the police. She doesn't need to talk to the police to get help from VS.

The most important thing is that you listen to her, she needs to feel in control of what is happening. Don't inform the police if she doesn't want you to, you may find that, after having talked to VS, she decides to. Please make sure she knows that she is brave for speaking up, and that she is safe.

My DD was assaulted too and it's very difficult, for you too. Please make sure to also look after yourself x

Yep, if she doesn’t want to report it to the police (which I totally get why tbh), then there is nothing else you can do.

However, what strikes me is that your dd felt the need to disclose the assault to someone at school.
This tells me she is struggling and SHE needs support. I’d have a chat with her and see what sort of support she’d like. Does she want to see a counsellor? Is she worried about pg or STI (depending how many months is a few months)?

Knowing the context in which she disclosed the information and why might be helpful too.

We had a scarily similar experience and I am sad to say that I am not sure its worth reporting to the police. 2 years on and still no outcome from our great justice system. Would have been better to deal with it ourselves by going to speak to the parents. But DD felt she wanted to do this at the time and we supported her. Terrible times, please look after yourself, it's just awful. I remember how upset I felt.

School should be reporting it to social services via a safeguarding referral. Social services will contact the boys school/ his parents, he could be a risk or have been SA himself. Other areas have a service that supports children/ young people who have been sexually assaulted like The Lighthouse in London. I agree that if she has disclosed this at school she is suffering and wants support

Thank you every single person who responded. All the replies are very helpful.

This is such a difficult time. I feel all the emotions, anger , guilt , sadness ,helplessness and I am sure my daughter feels the same.

From what I’ve read reporting to the police may not be the best course of action but surely the boy needs to be held accountable for this actions and his parents need to be aware. If school can’t inform them , I feel that we should.

You could go through the NSPCC, their helpline is open 10-4 Monday to Friday. They'll make a report to Social Services who will then conduct an investigation (therefore telling the parents). I would advise against contacting them directly if your DD has asked you not to. The NSPCC helpline can also direct you to resources and next steps for your DD. Report child abuse | NSPCC

Thank you . I will have a look at the NSPCC website.

My DD is refusing to talk about this whole situation or discuss next steps , she is just refusing to talk about it at all.

Also understandably ,her dad is struggling to process and navigate this too.

It is so hard .I don’t know how to support them whilst trying to stay strong myself.

We had this too. I still to this day don't know all the details. I had so many questions at the time but had to respect the fact she didn't want to talk or give details to me. It was really really hard but I suspect this is normal.