13 year old girl and friendships

[northernballer]

My daughter has always had a hard time with friends at school. She is quite intense and a good and loyal friend and sometime gets upset when others do not behave in the same way. For example, she would never leave a friend on their own but her friend went off at school without her yesterday which upset her greatly. She was badly bullied and we moved schools last year which is partly behind it, and has a visible difference which has led to low self esteem.

Since she has started at her new school (a small, nurturing private school) she has got on well. However she has now fallen out with her 'best' friend and has taken it incredibly hard and we are back to her crying and not wanting to go to school.

How can I help her see that minor disagreements and falling outs are part of normal growing up and not to take them to heart? She has two older brothers who were typical boys and never had these issues.

She has friends outside of school and I have tried counselling for her but it doesn't help her control her feelings. I would describe her as quite anxious and she does catastrophise.

Has anyone got any advice? She jas been in tears all night and currently refusing to entertain the prospect of school in the morning. She doesn't want me to speak to the school as she worries that will make things worse.

I just feel so sad and useless that I can't help her.

I feel your pain. Sending you hugs.

easier said than done but try to get her to reframe why the friend went off. EG, it might be because the third girl was feeling sad, or because they do the same activity outside of school. Try to get your DD to see that it’s not always about her (in the nicest way) and whilst she has the right to feel put out and the effect on her feelings is the same, it’s not necessarily because the friend doesn’t want to be around her or she’s done something wrong.

Is your DD my DD? V v similar here in all respects . On a very practical level, contact her firm tutor so school is in the loop. Secondly, can you suggest to her she takes a book into school, or join any activities that appeal so she has something to do if let alone ..that way she's not been left, she's reading, at art club etc. School refusal is terrifying, been there..you feel so helpless and impotent. If this becomes more than a one of so join one of the support groups on FB or threads on here and don't beat yourself up for not "forcing" her in. Is there a chance she is ND? It's presents like this in teen girls quite often.

So is the friend even aware that your dd has fallen out with her? She needs a wider circle of friends. My two are good with one best friend but add a third party and it all falls to shit. I suspect my girls are on the spectrum, though the masked it well into their teens it became very apparent in these situations. My eldest now really dislikes being around people and doesn't leave the house. It's tough going op, sounds like you're doing all you ca. to help her recognise her feelings and behaviour. She just needs to learn to manage it.