17yr old son pushing me to my limits

[ES101417]

I'm at breaking point with my 17 year old son. I have always tried to give my son freedom, support and help him make informed choices. I also maintained relationships with his friends parents as a way of us communicating and keeping a collective eye on the group of boys. Turns out the parents were liars and gave the boys alcohol and let them use drugs in their homes (one even used spice with them). I've found this out recently. It had been going on for years. One set of parents would even lie to me about where my son was. By year 11 my son's mental health was in tatters. I was frequently calling the police to report him missing (all the while he was with his friends, the parents knew). He stopped attending school. He started using spice in the house, which is how I found out what he was using. I had to take him to stay with his dad for a while as I have two younger sons at home and I wanted him away from his friends. He obviously failed most GCSEs even though we paid a private tutor and got all the support we could for him. He got in with another group of boys near his dad's house. He started smoking weed every day, that became selling weed. Going missing. It got bad. I dragged him back home with me and straighted him out a bit. Got him into college. We've had a good few months, now he's stopped attending his course. Back with his friends all the time. Smoking weed (they are all allowed to use it at home), refusing to come home. Taking money from me. He doesn't lift a finger at home. He can become quite abusive as he thinks I'm controlling/crazy.
I feel crazy. I feel like I'm losing it and I have nothing left.

I guess what I'm asking is what do I do when he just doesn't care? He genuinely wants this lifestyle but I don't. I've seen this play out so many times with friends and family. So many young men struggling with their mental health because they smoked weed from an early age and abused other substances. All they had to live for were the highs. No real jobs. No real relationships. Too many died. I can't sit back and watch my son go the same way.

I have no experience of my DC dealing or drug taking that I know of.

Hopefully someone will be along soon who can help

Hey, @ES101417. I’m scouring the teenager board as in a similar situation. My DS17 has been using weed, hanging around with undesirables and tonight I’ve found weapons in his room. Where is my baby boy?! No words of advice, just solidarity. It’s hell.

I'm feeling the same, 17yr old ds out most nights smoking weed and two weeks ago was pretty suicidal, breaking his phone and being verbally abusive to me ,which has been happening for a while.
My mum came down to stay and it seemed to settle things a bit last week and I booked an appointment with the dr for my son. He was so reluctant to go as thought he would be judged by the dr and also who would see him but we managed it together and I asked for another appointment for four weeks time,just so son knows and may give him an incentive.
I cancelled his driving lessons as that seemed to cause a huge stress( son looked at the theory and decided he would fail so hasn't even tried to learn) and I've stepped back a bit.
His friends in our large village are all doing drugs sadly. Some have jobs,some have dropped out of college but I explained to my mum the couple I have met are always welcome here to play xbox's or whatever, not that they com much but a few times. My mum couldn't understand why I'd have them here,but these are boys from normal families who are struggling and their parents too.
Son does attend college but says he has done no practical things at all,its all theory since September ( plumbing) and is feeling pretty hopeless about it.
I've decided to take ds and his mate out for the day Saturday, to a football match, his friend has never been,just to hopefully spark an interest outside the village so hopefully 30 thousand fans singing will be amazing for them.

I hope you report every single one of the parents to the police. Supplying drugs to children is a serious crime.

In terms of your son, is there anything at all that has worked in the past?

Hi there . Just found this thread as I’m really struggling with my 17 year old.
He also is smoking weed. He was still attending college and going to his part time job up until last week when he met a girl and iv seen him twice in the last 7 days as he’s been with her but won’t give me any details of her and refuses to come home at night . He also has a neck full of love bites and has handed his notice into work. I’m at a loss what to do . He is very stubborn and head strong .

Wow @Hairybear1 that's a lot to happen in such a short space of time. How are things tonight?

@Hairybear1 It's such a massive worry, they really don't understand how their actions have such a big and long lasting impact. My son was actually better when he had a girlfriend as she kept him distracted from all his 'friends' who were dealing drugs. He was happier and much nicer to be around! Now they've broken up it's back to him going missing with his dodgy friends all the time, getting up to god knows what (insert a list of illegal activities here).
Hopefully for your son the novelty of the new girl will settle and she may prove to be a good influence... A week in is too soon to tell. Best of luck to you. Hold tight.

As a mom to teen boys, I've noticed how they respond differently to advice from men than moms. My brother did a lot of drugs, was violent, went to jail- DROVE MY MOM CRAZY through it all- but now is a great resource for me and my boys.

If you don't have family around that can help, are there any social services groups that might have a mentoring program?

It's just a hard balance of loving our kids and recognizing when we cannot protect them anymore. 💔

@Cinnamonbonbon has anything improved for you? I'm just at a total loss. I even tried to involve social services but they didn't really help - just agreed my son was at risk of exploitation due to the people he's hanging out with (they are all known to police). But didn't offer any support or solutions.
I feel like I've lost my son. I don't know this person anymore and I certainly don't like him. It feels horrible.

@Cloberlee my son has men to speak to who have really been through it with drugs/mental health. He thinks he's totally different to everyone else though. The arrogance of youth. He genuinely doesn't listen or care to understand/learn - he knows it all.
I've tried social services for support with him. I've tried getting him counselling. He won't engage with anything, just thinks it's all 'pathetic'.
You're absolutely right - the realisation I can't protect him anymore or even help him is awful.

Spice?! Bloody hell. I’m not sure if you’re clued up on the drug trends, but spice is a filthy, prison drug that kills many people.

Ultimatum time. You don’t need to live like this, but if he chooses to, that’s on him. Sounds like you’ve tried your best, time to stop letting him rule the roost. Let him go and I bet without the money provider, his current lifestyle won’t seem so attractive.

@TinyMouseTheatre things have improved. He decided to stay on in his job once he realised the bank of mum was closed and he wanted new shoes.
@ES101417 Still very intense with his girlfriend, toxic even as she seems to give him the silent treatment often.

How are things for everyone else ?

@Hairybear1 glad things have improved somewhat for you. It’s not been great here. He’s been getting into fights, and then the reasoning he’s giving me as to how they’ve come about sounds like rubbish. In one of the fights apparently one of the other boys had a knife. He still unable to get a job so it makes me panic that he’s vulnerable to county lines too. I have a toddler in the house too so the worry that some kind of retribution will be brought to our door is ever present.

How is everyone doing? What started as a nice day has turned into more drama and arguments as DS came home and his friend was speeding (driving) into the estate. DH went out there to ask the friend to be more careful when driving due to kids etc. Has descended into DS calling DH a cunt, threatening to punch him etc etc. DS has dark bags under his eyes, looks like he’s been on drugs but of course he denies that. Poor toddler being surrounded by arguments, I try to take her away from it but DS follows me, unable to leave me until he’s “had his say”. I hate living with a teenager, it’s unbearable.