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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Trip to Blackpool-now!

26 replies

Mojohellno · 11/01/2025 23:23

So-17year old daughter has always struggled with friends (she had none really) and has now found new friendship group. She’s feeling much happier and is enjoying spending time with them. I was due to pick her up later, checked her location about an hour ago and saw that they had driven an hour and a half in icy conditions to go to the Pleasure Beach, arrival time 11pm…obviously husband and I have messaged her, totally not anything we would allow her to do,I’m all set to fetch her back, husband argues let her friend drop her back as planned (what, at 4am? 6am?) then give her the riot act. This is NOT acceptable for us or the way we have raised her, others may disagree but I don’t want my daughter wandering around any area at 1/2/3 am fgs. At the right time she can be out all night -drinking clubbing,etc, I know it’s a rite of passage-this is not that time and feels very unsafe. Suggestions please…

OP posts:

ThewrathofBethDutton · 12/01/2025 04:22

Is she home?

Original poster

Mojohellno · 12/01/2025 09:38

Yes, in the end I said that I’d be setting off to pick her up if they didn’t set back by a certain time. She arrived home at 2am to both of us waiting up for her. We’ve made it extremely clear that this is not acceptable and that when she is older she will have more freedom to come and go as she pleases. If it had been a day trip or even a summer evening trip we’d have been fine, but no way in the middle of January at silly o clock!

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rwalker · 12/01/2025 09:41

Soo difficult the problem is push this too much and she just push back your quite limited at 17 what you can actually enforce
tbh next time I’d be worried she’ll switch her location of if you are tracking her

Original poster

Mojohellno · 12/01/2025 10:24

I know, we’ve said our piece and she’s accepted it quite well, we’re treading cautiously now. I don’t usually track her too much and I don’t usually pester her when she’s out, but this group seem to be out and about at all hours. We will lighten up but not just yet!

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TinyMouseTheatre · 12/01/2025 18:02

We will lighten up but not just yet!

I've got a 17 yo DD too who has friends who can drive and a BF with a car.

My DH's natural reaction is to try and stop her doing things. I actually encourage the opposite.

My DD seems to like the idea of being doing things rather than actually doing them.

So I find that if I say she can do things, but discuss the risks and my concerns calmly most times she be back home much earlier than expected.

Have you read any books by Lisa Damour like Untangledd*? I've found her advice very useful when navigating the teen years.

I think the other thing that has helped me is that we live a similar distance from Blackpool to you so nights out in Blackpool/Manchester/Chester were pretty common.

Original poster

Mojohellno · 12/01/2025 22:03

Thanks, you’re definitely helping to reassure me and I’ll take a look at that book. I remember the scrapes I got into so I think I’m on hyper-alert but I know it’ll be counter productive if I react too intensely! I’ll just try to keep calm when I talk about my concerns with her:(

OP posts:

TinyMouseTheatre · 13/01/2025 07:27

Hope that you had a much more uneventful day yesterday

Original poster

Mojohellno · 13/01/2025 07:44

Thanks @TinyMouseTheatre we did! She was home all day and no dramas or bickering 😁

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LoyalMember · 14/01/2025 14:11

At 17 if you continue this 'come home at once' patter, it's the sure way to drive her away.

TinyMouseTheatre · 14/01/2025 19:28

LoyalMember · 14/01/2025 14:11

At 17 if you continue this 'come home at once' patter, it's the sure way to drive her away.

So hard isn't it? If they're planning on going to Uni at 18 it can be a huge adjustment. We know of a Mum who really struggled with not knowing where her DD was all of the time and her DD's reluctance to tell her.

I think she really struggled with understanding that her DD had turned into an Adult. I mean she really struggled with it and it's not had a positive effect on their relationship.

HorrorFan81 · 14/01/2025 19:31

In Scotland it's quite usual to go to Uni and be living away from home at 17 so I find this all a bit much tbh. She's nearly 18 at which point she can do whatever she wants - I wouldn't be trying to impose too many rules at this point just trust that you've brought her up to make good decisions

mumonthehill · 14/01/2025 19:32

My 17 year old flew to Portugal with a friend for 4 nights on new years day. They stayed in a hostel so honestly I think you need to give her some trust and freedom.

HorrorFan81 · 14/01/2025 21:02

Just thinking back and

At 16 I moved into a hotel in the Lake District (friends of my mums owned it) to work as a chambermaid/waitress/front of house. Lived in the basement with half a dozen other staff, partied hard

Went to 6th form at 16, no longer had a curfew and went out clubbing or to parties every weekend (and often midweek). Usually slept over at someone's house (could be male or female) in a big group, all crashing wherever

Went on holiday to Malia as a group of 5 girls at 17 for two weeks

Literally everyone I knew was doing the above, no one had a curfew and parents would know we were either out in town or at a party (they would know which house). I'd turn up at some point the next day. I loved the freedom I had and apart from drinking (which my mum knew I did) I didn't do anything 'bad'. No drugs, nothing illegal - just masses of fun

TinyMouseTheatre · 14/01/2025 22:31

Just coming back to say that my 17 yo has just announced that they're going away for two weeks in the Summer with their boyfriend. Had to try hard not to show my panic

Original poster

Mojohellno · 14/01/2025 23:41

Oh Lordy, ok I need to re-adjust my dials! My DD is a tad more immature than a lot of her 17 yo peers and not particularly streetwise, so we do worry-but I do recognise that I need to catch up somewhat and allow her some space to grow up, especially as Uni beckons!

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LadyGAgain · 14/01/2025 23:48

It's only natural to worry and when they're away from their normal territory boundaries, even more so.

If it helps.... I am possibly older than you with children younger than yours as a "geriatric parent".

I was brought up by a fairly conservative mum. We didn't break rules. We didn't go off the rails etc. we were 'good' girls.

We went clubbing at 16. We were in clubs until 2am. Then taxis home. We danced and laughed and drank ...yep we were THAT generation!

We got good jobs after finishing college and uni. We are all comfortable and raising families of our own.

If she's a good kid, loosen the tie a little more. It is likely to be ok.

Original poster

Mojohellno · 15/01/2025 00:06

Thanks @LadyGAgain she is a good kid, just way too gullible and trusting. My fears are based on what I got up to, similar scene to yours, back in the day! I’ll try not to be a hypocrite and back off a bit more:)

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Ohyay · 15/01/2025 00:13

I remember being 17 and having friends with cars we would drive around until daft oclock. Once decided at midnight to drive to London (6 hour trip) had the best day. We would often sit in the car listen to music get snacks from a 24hr shop. People watch. Nothing untoward. Just young free and enjoying life.

Health took a turn several years ago and life will never be the same. SO glad for those good times.

People will say 'you're 17 you have your whole life ahead of you' but sometimes life doesnt turn out that way.

Original poster

Mojohellno · 15/01/2025 08:56

So sorry to hear that your health’s not been great, that’s a real blow and not what we anticipate at all before mid-life. Your London trip made me smile and you’ve put a different perspective on things for sure. Hope you’re managing ok💐

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ZenNudist · 15/01/2025 09:01

Blackpool my old stomping ground and did many a night out from 15 onwards.

I assume its not the night out but the icy road conditions. Tell them to take it easy and remind then of stories of car full of teenagers found dead in accidents. I'd be laying this on with a trowel. Inexperienced drivers and bad roads are a fatal combination.

Had it not been icy I think it's fine for a 17yo to go if for a trip under ger own steam. Even late at night.

Bramshott · 15/01/2025 09:20

I have a 17yo and I wouldn't be happy with this without any prior communication.

VaVaVoom25 · 15/01/2025 09:24

Did you get to the bottom of what she actually did in Blackpool?

The Pleasure Beach wasn't open and that end of Blackpool is pretty much dead outside of the season.

Presumably she hit a few pubs and clubs but even a Saturday night in Blackpool is very quiet/dead and they would have had to go to the town centre which is a relatively long way from the Pleasure Beach. The odd hen/stag party, locals celebrating birthdays, and the locals that have drug/alcohol issues would be all that would have braved the cold at this time of year. As a teen/early20s fairly local person we had a few January Birthdays that would be celebrated on the nearest Saturday in Blackpool Town Centre...it was as miserable and depressing as anything. Not to mention bloody freezing.

I'm just curious as to what she says she got up to...were they trying to break into the Pleasure Beach or an abandoned hotel or something?! If the location was definitely there/that end of Blackpool, they could only have been fannying about on the freezing seafront or maybe at a party in someones home/hotel? And I WOULD really worry about house parties in South Shore.

But yeah....sounds bang on for daft late teenage behaviour!

To put it into perspective, I was at a sleepover in nearby Lytham at 15. We woke up at 5am to absolute chaos and being sent out on a search party. Turns out my friend's sister and her 3 friends had decided to walk to Fairhaven Lake in St Annes have a game of tennis on the courts then as soon as the sun rose, while the tide was out, attempt to walk to Southport across the sand. They only returned home because they got hungry. Bollocked doesn't begin to describe what happened next!

Tough times...but you will eventually look back and smile.

titchy · 15/01/2025 09:34

just way too gullible and trusting

She's not going to learn to use her instincts and become less gullible or trusting if you're tracking where she is and reading the riot act - and she NEEDS to have sensible instincts when she's left home.

Best time to learn is now - when she's at home and you can come to her aid if things go massively pear-shaped (and that means police/hospital).

TinyMouseTheatre · 15/01/2025 21:04

Should she be going to Uni this year, like in about 8 months?

Original poster

Mojohellno · 15/01/2025 21:36

@ titchy, you’re spot on, I know, I’m working on it. The ice/driving inexperience freaked me out more than the trip but it was a shock as she’s never ventured beyond our nearest cities but of course she wanted to be part of the gang and of course she knew we’d veto it if she gave us prior warning - I’d have done the same most probably at her age…
thankfully no, she’s not due for uni/next stage until 2026 so we have another 18mths which is a long time for risk assessments/instincts to develop-I hope. @VaVaVoom25 that was also our concern-what were they going to do at that time in Blackpool? Everything’s shut for winter-they actually hung outside Wetherspoons for last orders, those that could have a drink and weren’t driving had one, stayed for an hour then turned back home. We don’t know this group at all, I keep asking if they want to hang out here for a little while-grab some pizza etc before they move the rest of their evening to somewhere more fun(!), so I can at least clap eyes on them (I would be charming and non-judgemental in public don’t worry, they’d never suspect!) but so far it’s not happened… gotta get used to this I guess but I’m not a naturally laid back person :( sorry for the long message!

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