How to help defensive teen

[Citygirlrurallife]

My DD is 13 but has always had this issue that she thinks people are against her. She has weird protections around her friendships and can be unbelievably loyal but also take offence very easily and can quickly turn on friends who are “unkind” or “mean”

Her messages can then be very blunt towards others and I’ve seen friends she’s dumped try to reach out and she seems incapable of forgiveness. Some of these friends she probably is better off without but I genuinely think in a lot of cases she takes things out of proportion and she’s losing friends because of it. She doesn’t take advice from me and has asked me to just be there for her to talk to so while I’ve gently tried to help her see things from others’ point of view she is so entrenched in her own thoughts and perspective that it just doesn’t go in.

i worry about because she just seems to push people away more and more and I don’t want her to be friendless but there’s a limit to what I can do.

any thoughts/resources/recommendations? When she was little I taught her how to navigate the world and now of course that’s becoming less my job but she’s still young enough that she should be learning how to interact with people.

do I just leave her to it and she’ll learn the hard way?!

Following as my DD is exactly the same. I try to leave her to it in the hope that she will learn, but it is becoming a perpetuating cycle.

I know this is all part of growing up but my worry is if she won’t take advice or see beyond her own nose the behaviour becomes entrenched

Is it a self confidence issue? If she isn’t comfortable with herself and fundamentally not happy then she’s likely to take offence more easily and be more prickly. I don’t have the answer to how you can build self belief and self confidence and I’m very open to suggestions if anyone else does

Are there any other worrying signs such as self harm or getting supper attached to people really quick and idolising them? Just worh keeping watch for these things incase it's borderline personality disorder beginning to form.

Otherwise, she may just be stubborn. Maybe just being there to listen is all you really need to do.

Has she been labelled as a bully?

This sounds like younger me. i found navigating friendship challenging, but I am now understanding that it’s part of the rejection sensitive diaspora that can be part of adhd.

I was just about to suggest Rejection Sensitivity too.

No self harm, no bullying identifying (the opposite, she’s had teachers check she’s ok!)

will have a look at rejection sensitivity, I haven’t heard of that

Definitely look at Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. It's normal part of ADHD/ASD so it's also worth reading up on how those can present in young teenage girls too.

Do you think a book like The Teen Girl's Survival Guide would help her?

Thankyou. She’s actually going through school initiated ADHD investigations

that book looks good, I’ll check it out

Have a look at The Work by Byron Katie, there is a book and videos on youtube. Shes quite young for it, but it might be helpful. Its all about trying to not get your thinking tangled up with your emotions.

I'm not surprised really, she's showing some absolute classic signs. If she does have ADHD she's probably operating at about the level of a 9 yo emotionally too which won't help her when she's trying to navigate puberty, friendships and High School.

Do come on over to the SN Teens Section, if you haven't had a look already, it's usually quite supportive on there.

I'm glad you liked the look of the book for your DD, you might find the book Untangled helps you too. The Author, Lisa Damour, has some very good tips on how to navigate through the teenage years. Our DD is now an older Teen and I found it really helped me, especially when she was around the age of your DD. I hope you find it useful too

I’m glad you got some responses, I also think my DD who I posted about in your thread is ND but highly masking at school, so we are not getting anywhere with getting it investigated currently.

There’s some weird things going on in the playgrounds at the moment. My daughter went on high alert each morning wondering about whether the bullies were going to target her or not that day. Her school days were filled with subtle jabs or putdowns. Its taken her about a year to detox from that experience, but she sounds exactly like your daughter, always worried and on the defensive.

My AuDHD daughter is like this. She’s only 8 but has been this way since she started to make friends. Her autism makes her extremely blunt and she will NEVER forget someone who she believes wronged her.

Even at this age, I’m finding navigating her friendships difficult. She’s home educated and spends a lot of time on call with her bestie, who is also autistic and home educated. I hear a lot of what goes on and I have to navigate it whilst also letting her make her own mistakes.

It’s so hard! My daughter also won’t take any advice so there’s not much we can do really. She’s figuring it out herself but it’s hard to watch sometimes.

Autistic teen with signs of rejection dysphoria here too! Lots and lots of talking things through and helping her to see the shades of grey! Mine is teetering on the edge of a huge fallout with an old friend and it's taking up a lot of mental energy for us both.
I find I need to agree/show empathy for her position first, let her vent and then gradually explore it from other perspectives.

Following to come back and read later as my DD is exactly the same

My daughter actually has a friend who is doing exactly this with their friendship group.
She is very careless with her words and over reacts enormously to the slightest potential miscommunication. All of the friends are losing patience with her (including my daughter who has tried really hard to mediate!), and I’m concerned she’ll end up very isolated. I really like her mum, so have thought about contacting her about it, but eventually concluded that they’re at an age where they need to sort this stuff out themselves now.

Good luck. I have no advice, sorry, but I feel for you xx

My son is autistic and is similar, by the end of primary school he had no friends really which broke my heart.
He can hold a grudge until the end of time against something minor, I say minor, he would perceive it as a major problem.
He is blunt and just says things without dressing it up at all, which does sometimes come across as rude.
It’s great that the school are involved and she is undergoing investigations, the most helpful thing I found was talking to a paediatric psychologist about how to help him learn social cues and talk through any tricky problems, like you do, offering another viewpoint.