13 year old and social media

[2daughters82]

I feel like I need some help/advice from others with teens as I'm struggling to understand and want to support her without pushing her away....

Lovely kind hearted 13 yr old girl who used to be so happy go lucky is now a girl who now seems to have so many worries which I'll list and maybe someone can help me decipher if this is normal for her age

• worries so much about what others think

Ie social media accounts getting as many likes as she can often talking / messaging strangers to get noticed Despite talks about how dangerous this can be

• says she has no friends but her phone log states otherwise - she is struggling with quality over quantity I feel

A constant need to be talking to them all the time / messaging / playing online games with them etc

• spends so much time on her phone

Particularly snap chat and tik tok I'll attach her usage and please let me know what you think ( I think it's too much ) We set limits but we find she goes over So without taken the phone away completely which I don't want to do - I'm just wondering what is classed as ok ?

Things to note, she has a history of self harm, been diagnosed with anorexia nevosa early this year, suffers with low mood and was with CAMhs for some support but was signed off September
She has low body image and self esteem and hides a lot from us

I feel sad for her as I feel this year has been so challenging with nasty girls at school and this need to be liked / thin etc

Thanks for reading
I'll attach her screen time shortly

Are you going to attach the screentime?

Having trouble uploading.....will send when I can

I can't seem to go back so can only see today - maybe she's deleted it 😫😫😫

Parental control and restricted time on the phone. She's 13. Parent her.

You can use parental controls.

My daughter doesn't have social media, but he phone auto switches off at 9pm.

Watch the channel 4 documentary with her.

Definitely watch the Chanel 4 documentary ‘swiped - the school that banned smart phones’. Get her off tik tok altogether. I’m personally not keen on snap chat. WhatsApp seems fine. Parental control her phone so it automatically goes on downtime about 45 mins before her bedtime and doesn’t switch back on until she’s ready to leave the house for school.

if you don’t want to ban tik tok altogether you can parental control her phone so that that particular app has a sensible time limit. Good luck! It’s so hard. Xx

Your comment is rather rude

Thank you I'll find that and watch it with her

Any advice on what timings are acceptable ?

Thank you yeah I am tempted to take it away but as I say I don't wanna do the wrong thing
All her friends have it and I don't wanna isolate her considering what she's been through

We have this but she can over ride it there must be a way where she can't

I'll have sit down with her tonight and have a chat as I say I'm happy for her to talk to friend etc but it's just getting out of hand

My 13 year old has no social media. And no access to his phone from 9 pm to 7 am.
If your child has a history of mental health problems I really would not recommend she have unrestricted access to social media.
You can go into each app under the parental control and restrict her screen time. She can have as much or as little as you want. I would start with the very bare minimum.

No snap chat, no tik tok. It doesn't matter what other people let their children do, your particular child is too vulnerable to have access to these things at this time.

Get her a feature phone from Nokia, you can get them with Whatsapp.

She won't like it but will get used to it. She needs to be engaging in the real world with real people at activities and groups.

Well working with what we have:

• Your daughter has very poor mental health which may or may not have been caused by SM
• She is very socially isolated and SM appears to be making this situation worse
• She has an unhealthy relationship with SM/screens and is not able to moderate the time she spends on it
• She is dependent on SM for short-term self-esteem boosts and in the long term it's making her self-esteem worse
• She is not following agreed safety guidelines and is currently at risk of serious harm online

The answer is very obvious, you need to take full control of the device and either remove it or supervise all access closely, e.g. she gets to use it for one hour a day and you are in the room at all times and frequently looking over her shoulder.

You can see that the phone is hurting her health, so you need to be the parent and keep her safe.

You can also ask at 9 pm that she hands her phone to you. You can give it to her when she wakes up.

For me is was always about compromise with ds 14 Instagram and Facebook I was fine with tiktok and Snapchat I don't like they are vulgar I won't let ds use Snapchat but agreed to tiktok with weekly checks on his phone.

Both tiktok and Snapchat are bad for teen on teen bullying and other random accounts harrasing women and girls.

If you can try to reach an comprimise on limiting time especially on these 2 particular sites

Harsh to read this but yes you're right and sound like my husband
I definitely needed a kick up the bum but you've done it in a way where it's good advice and not just telling me to me a parent

I feel i am to blame and it's no excuse I have a toddler a stressful job and I feel I'm struggling...but I definitely need to take control and yes it's been a bit of a wake up call for me

You know it's equally your husband's job as yours. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Why not hand this to him, discuss what you both think the best course of action is, and ask him to take charge of implementing it?

What is her "real " life like? Does she have (good)friends? Clubs? Hobbies? Interests?

@MrsSunshine2b oh I know I just mean he has a shorter fuse than me and just ends up saying no phone for a week - it's me that says to him let's do it my way ! So now I'm taking charge and he's fully on board

So my husband is her step dad and her biological dad who she visits every other weekend is too relaxed and doesn't even think there is an issue ! Its bloody hard work
He lets her go on her phone 13 hours a day, no limit and with me it's around 3 hours a day mid week and 6 hrs weekends roughly
I still can't see the screen time on the family group -

3 hours in on a weekday when she’s in school as well is a LOT. 6 hours on weekends is a lot. A lot. I use my phone for answering work emails and really spend far too much time on it and my daily average is 6….

Personally I don’t care what friends are doing. I’ve educated my child from the age of 10 about SM dangers and smart phones. She doesn’t want to do those things.

1.5 hour screen limit per day, no social media, phone is given to me at home and asked for access. No phones in bedrooms.

Loves dance has taken it for choices
Horse rides at the weekends every other
Has struggled with friends and socially but does have people she talks to and girl in particular who I feel isn't the best influence on her

At typical day at weekend would be
She lays in until 10-11
spending sometime together
Lunch/walk to beach/woods
Afternoon allow her to have 2-3 hours on her phone which could be Roblox/snap chat and toktok etc
Downstairs for screen break and snack then dinner
Then back up for 2-3 hours in the eve
Dinner time is always together and at table or sofa with 30-45 mins watching tv when baby goes to bed

School days
In at 3:30
Homework until 4:30/5 - she has lots of homework
Then dinner 530 ish where I feed her and her sister then 6-8 she's upstairs having a bath and then phone time
Then screen break with me and hubby
Then bed 930

Alll very approximate but until now I thought that balance was ok 😫

This is good I'm thinking 1.5 hrs is a good start to her limits

Like this advice and I agree