out of control relationship ...

[lilolilmanchester]

DH blew a fuse at DS, who then self harmed.... how do i get this back on track?

Oh dear - do you think it was "I'm distressed" self harming or "this'll show you" self harming?

I would contact your local CAMHS team (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service)and ask for advice and support. If you can't refer yourself direct see your GP.

Not much help in the meantime - sorry

Have you looked at www.parentlineplus.org.uk/

My son (late teens) cut the inside of his arm with a razor (lots of cuts - looked like a fishing net! ) on one occasion a couple of months ago. He was under a lot of pressure from things going on in his life and what was going on inside his head. He needed space to work out his problems so I backed off and kept things around him as calm as I could. I let him know that I cared about how bad things were for him even though we had established that I couldn't do very much to help. From time to time I asked him how his arm was healing and he showed me (it's fine now).

When I saw he had hurt himself I felt angry and bit disdainful of what he had done but I can see that it was a kind of release for him. He hasn't done it again. I asked him to contact our GP to talk about his feelings, but he refused.

I think that taking the pressure off, trying not to make him feel guilty and letting him know that I am concerned has helped him.

Your husband needs to do the getting back on track, there is little you can do to fix this if you were not the one who caused it.

you need to take th epressure off him.
tbh, you havetn provided enough emnformatin for anyone to say anything else really, but you all need to back off from him, and he needs to be able to chat with another adult, not his parents, who has his best interests at heart. not necessarily a therapist type person. an uncle, a grandfather, a scout leader, a godparent. someone like that.

thanks all.

Agree, parents need to take the pressure off a child who is self-harming. My daughter used to do this. It was a mixture of both unhappiness and 'I'll show you not to cross me'. She was trying to gain some independence and control over her own life, and was much better when I backed off and treated her like an adult, rather than a child.

Anger and disdain - that's rather sad. I felt similarly when my daughter slashed her wrist and ended up in hospital. Going through my divorce, I once found myself bashing myself in the face with a telephone receiver out of anger and depression and lack of control. Having been at that point in my life, and knowing that at that time I didn't care if I lived or died, I would treat anyone who was self-harming with compassion. They need help, not judgement (sorry, don't mean to nag. Just telling it as I saw it at the time).

LW. Agree with you. Anyone who is self harming needs to be treated with compassion and I think this is true whatever their reason for doing it.

Anger was my immediate reaction. I often feel angry when I am afraid, especially when things happen to ds1 or 2. (Although I can't think of any situation with bringing up teenage boys where anger has been of any help at all). I got over it very quickly and he didn't know that was how I felt.

And disdain; well that is a remnant of my past. I have to admit that a few years ago a bit of me might have thought that I was doing pretty well and my dss certainly would not self-harm. We just weren't that sort of family and we didn't go in for that sort of thing. I know better now. The disdain lasted even less time than the anger.

I was very angry with my daughter when she cut her wrists. I had to rush her to the hospital and all I could think was 'how could you put me through this?' Sing it with me

"it's all about me"

I learned something about myself that night

We're all human, and here to learn, aren't we, M2H? Usually the hard way, as far as I can see .

very helpful, really appreciate your responses. All ok right now, think it gave both DH and DS a fright and both working harder at their relationship.

I used to SH when I was younger, it was just a way to let all the pressure out, a kind of release I guess. If he's doing it on his arms it is prob more a cry for help as it is n=more visible there.

Don't go to one of the phone line people, talk to your DS, it'll mean more to him that you could talk to him about it than some random stranger on the end of a phone line.

RM, it felt to me like the emotional pain was so awful that I would be able to tolerate physical pain better (so I biffed myself in the face with a phone. I can laugh about this now, but trust me I do know exatly what I sound like telling you this. But if people don't talk about things, we all walk about thinking we're abnormal and shameful, when actually, we're just average people).

LLM, so glad things have calmed down. It's pretty scary sh*t when things like that kick off, but sometimes we can learn something from it, eh?

It was scarey, but a one-off (i hope) and I think a combination of frustration and anger. You're right, at this point I think he just needs a lot of reassurance and love. DH shocked enough to realise he needs to think twice before flying off the handle the way he did. Thanks.