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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Am I handling this all wrong

19 replies

Doseydots · 05/01/2025 06:39

My DD is 18, since the age of 15 she has always had a boyfriend. The first one lasted just over 2 years. After it ended, she started another one a few weeks later. Now this relationship has ended after nearly a year and already she’s started seeing another someone else.

I am worried about the fact she always seems to be in a relationship, serious ones without a break in between. This new relationship she’s only known him a few weeks and she’s practically lived at his house during that time.

My DH isn’t happy about the situation, the fact she’s like a whirl wind, stopping by for the odd half hour then she’s off again.

I am so close to her. She is and always has been very open with me. She knows I can see her location online but still she lets me know where she’s going.

Everything blew up last night when DH told her he wasn’t happy and when I explained how worried I am. He wants to set rules and boundaries.

In two weeks she is going travelling for 5 months. I am thinking we should ride it out until then. I will miss her so much and I don’t want her to leave on a bad note.

OP posts:

Octavia64 · 05/01/2025 06:44

She's 18.

What specifically are the rules and regulations you and your DH want to impose?

If you try to make a rule that she isn't allowed a boyfriend (at 18!) she will just lie to you.

If she is off travelling for five months you will have no control over what she does for any of that time.

This does seem a bit of a mountain out of molehill issue.

Rachmorr57 · 05/01/2025 06:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Jifmicroliquid · 05/01/2025 06:47

She’s young and having fun. It’s like a social status to have a BF when you are 15-18. Once she goes off travelling she will be focusing on lots of different things.
Just let her know that it’s ok to be single and leave her be.

LBFseBrom · 05/01/2025 06:47

I agree you should ride it out, she'll grow up and come into her own in time. It's not unusual for teenagers to want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend, I can remember when I was that age and most of us did. Later on other things become equally important.

Billybagpuss · 05/01/2025 06:48

You need to calm down. If she’s off travelling the last thing you need is her to leave following 5 months of unnecessary heavy handed parenting. As long as she is keeping on top of her school work and is being safe that’s all you need to worry about. Also of course she’s like a whirlwind. See how she is when the school holidays are over and she’s back at school.

Travelban · 05/01/2025 06:59

I agree with the others. I understand it can be a source of anxiety for parents, but this behaviour is fairly normal. I have 4 DCs and both girls had boyfriends as ternagers, dd2 started at 13 and soon as her first relationship started a few months later another began. My sons not interested until much later but for some boys puberty starts later etc

I would just ride it out and see how it goes.Maybe talk to her about doing things together and how it would be nice to spend some more time with her?

Original poster

Doseydots · 05/01/2025 07:19

Thank you for your replies. I would never say she’s not aloud a boyfriend. I am just needing reassurance that this is normal teenage behaviour.

Can I ask what boundaries and household rules anyone has in place?

OP posts:

user1474315215 · 05/01/2025 07:44

The household rules need to be the same for all adults in the house. For us it's basically giving a rough idea of where you're going and when you'll be back, with an update if timings change. Also letting someone know if you're not going to around for meals. It sounds as if your DD is doing this already - your DH absolutely can't impose rules about her relationship.

Travelban · 05/01/2025 07:47

We don't have house rules as such but it's a given re: letting ua know where they are , eho they are bringing home and when etc

What I did find though is that as they get older if I wanted to spend time with them, I needed to organise something. A spexial dinner, a threatre/cinrma trip, a weekend away, or even inviiting family friends round.

mumonthehill · 05/01/2025 07:48

I would let her be for now. Normal rules for all us are let us know a rough time you will be home, let is know if you are going to be late, let us know if you are around for a meal, during the week be home by midnight. Clear up after yourself, own washing etc.

1apenny2apenny · 05/01/2025 09:09

What is your actual issue because surely her having a boyfriend isn't a problem? I hope I've got this wrong but is it actually that you are worried she is 'sleeping around'?

Would you feel the same if this was your son?

She's 17, she's an adult and she can do what she likes. The only thing I would be worried about is checking she is taking adequate birth control and that there are no red flags/controlling behaviour from the BF (I've said this as you've mentioned she's always at his). Have you asked her why she prefers it there?

Gardendiary · 05/01/2025 09:14

Your dh is grappling for control he no longer has. Obviously there could be house rules around being respectful that everyone (including him!) should follow, aside from that, she is an adult and he needs to get used to that.

Rollergirl11 · 05/01/2025 09:58

She is 18 and going travelling in 2 weeks so I am assuming she finished school/college last year.

OP, I am with you, it is pointless imposing rules at this point given that she will be the other side of the world in 2 weeks time.

I get where you’re coming from on the boyfriend front though. I would be slightly concerned if my DD was a serial dater as it suggests that she isn’t happy being without a boyfriend and seeks validation from men. But there is zero point trying to tackle this now when she is going away in 2 weeks.

What are her plans regarding current boyfriend while she is away travelling? Realistically if probably won’t go the distance?

Original poster

Doseydots · 05/01/2025 10:04

She says with the current boyfriend, she is going to pick up when she’s back, I know that can change while she’s away. For me the worry is the fact she always has a boyfriend and a serious one at that. My hope is while she’s away she has a blast and realises life can be good with or without a boyfriend.

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 05/01/2025 10:07

And regarding the rules, I echo what others say about general respect and letting you know if around for mealtimes and if coming home or not. But other than that she is an adult.

Our own 18yr old DD is home for Xmas from uni. She has also been like a whirlwind the past 3 weeks. Last night she went to the pub and told us she may well end up going clubbing. When she left the house she was planning on sleeping at home but I got a text from her around midnight saying that she would be staying at a friends instead. That’s all that we ask; that she keeps us updated so that I am not worried come the morning when she isn’t in her bed and I’m expecting her to he. By next week she will be back at uni and I have no idea what she is up to of an evening!

lljkk · 05/01/2025 10:19

Sounds like she is having a blast if she isn't mooching over the last boyfriend & instead moving on to a new nice fellow. I'm failing to see a problem...

Rollergirl11 · 05/01/2025 10:35

Not necessarily a problem at this age but there does appear to be a pattern forming. No time in between partners means little time for reflection which could impede on growth. As gets older could become an issue…

JustRollWithIt · 05/01/2025 10:50

Whatever you decide I think the most important thing is to not build a scenario where she will resent you, and keep showing her nothing but love, for the simple reason that if in the future it goes pear shaped with a boyfriend, she knows she can always come home to you rather than feel she needs to stay with a boyfriend to 'prove you wrong' if you know what I mean.

MermaidEyes · 05/01/2025 11:06

Doseydots · 05/01/2025 10:04

I understand your point here. Nothing wrong at all in having boyfriends and girlfriends at that age, it's perfectly normal. What would concern me more is that she's a girl who sees having a boyfriend as 'everything' and can't be without one. From my own experiences at that age, and my kids friends now, those girls tend to be (although not all of them, obviously) the ones who will take any boy, no matter how shit, because it's better than being without. Then they grow into the adult women you see on here who stay with shit husbands because it's better than being single. There's a lot to be said at that age for being single and putting friends, travel and social life first.

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