How to teach your teen social skills?

[BoomMama]

DS15 has struggled with friendships since the start of secondary school. We have a great relationship and over the years DH and I have supported him and given him lots of advice but things don't seem to get any easier. I struggle with anxiety myself and regularly lose sleep over worrying about him. I have now reached a point where I'm tired of the constant struggle and stress over this as it's been going on for so long and nothing seems to change but at the same time I don't want to abandon DS. Is it possible to teach teens social skills? Any positive stories out there?

I wouldn’t worry too much op. Teen boys often struggle with friendships and it can take them longer than girls to find their tribe or friendship group.

My nephew took until he was about twenty-five until he had an established friendship group. He’s now travelling, going out, having fun. It all came good in the end.

Is your ds deeply unhappy? Has he asked for your advice? Some people are more naturally solitary than others.

The reason I ask these questions is that your reaction to this issue sounds a little extreme if you don’t mind me saying so? There’s a big difference surely between “abandoning him” and taking a bit of a step back and simply loving him for who
he is right now.

The best thing you can do for him now is be serene and calm and let him know that you have every confidence in him and you are not worried about him making friends at all.

Also, work on yourself and your anxiety and go out with your friends and be a good role model! Let him see you put effort in to friendship, That’s probably more powerful than any advice you can give him.

Do you socialise much? Have friends over? It is vital to model the behaviour so he can learn.

Is he neurodiverse ?

So is it a case of he actually does have issues, or you think he does because you can't cope yourself?

I just want to, maybe unhelpfully, show solidarity with you OP. My son is 14yr and has no friends he see's outside of school. Though he seems to have kids to hang out with at school to some degree.

I am almost nauseous with constant worry and sadness for him. Mine is neurodivergent which adds an element. He is a lovely boy - funny and enthusiastic, but lacks social skills struggles to see and understand social queues, is more immature than peers.

Right now we do our best to be the friends he doesn't have in terms of keeping him busy and having fun doing things. We give gentle suggestions and we reinforce that it can take some folks time to "find their people" but that it will happen...that what is most important to be involved in activities that interest him where is will find others who enjoy the things he does.

CranberryandSage's comment rings with truth for sure - it's so hard though. So much harder than I ever imagined. Watching your love struggle and stumble - not getting the experiences,independence and joy that friends bring.

I don't think you can change who he is. He just needs to find his people.

I have an extremely social 15 year old, and an almost 13 year old son recently diagnosed Autistic. I have to really clearly spell out to my Autistic son what typically people expect from friendships, really simple stuff like reciprocity, a friend invites you to their house/party etc. There is an expectation you will reciprocate at some point.
My younger sons friendships are based around activities he enjoys and usually die when interest in an activity wanes from either party, so we still have a long way to go.
I prioritise my son being happy, and understanding how he is different to others is part of him being happy being himself. Many people only need a very small number of close friends to be happy.

Thank you for the kind responses. In answer to some of the questions:

DH and I have a big circle of friends and regularly spend time with them, either as a couple, as family or individually (meals out, dinner parties, drinks, walks, gigs, holidays together, hobbies etc) so DS should witness us modelling this behaviour.

I have long suspected that DS may be ND because of his struggles with interacting with his peers. DH and I have tried to give him simple 'rules' to follow but he seems to find it difficult to read social situations, and to do that things that seem to come naturally to other teens.

DS does get very upset over the issues he has which is why I worry so much about him. The main issue at the moment seems to be that he never gets invited to parties or social gatherings. He has lots of acquaintances though school and various hobbies, a few friends and has even had a couple of girlfriends, but always seems to get left out of the invite list even when there is no obvious reason for it.

I don't know what the right thing to do is. I really want to help DS but have reached a point where I no longer know how.

Just bumping now that more folks are awake

Does your son invite others to things?
My son doesn't get invited to anything, but he is not bothered so I am not too bothered. Having said that, I am trying to strongly encourage him to do something for his upcoming birthday, even if it is just bowling or a movie with a friend or 2, so he can get some practice with issuing a social invitation.

No every child is going to be invited to the parties though are they? I have a quiet ND DS and he didn't get invited to many either. Still has done good friends and a decent social life though. I would try and get him to see the positives in his life.

Hi Op - my daughter is autistic and therefore a lot less social than I am - or my husband or her brother!

The first thing I really would stress is if you 'suspect he is ND' you get a diagnosis as soon as you can. This literally will change his/ your life.

Knowing your child is autistic is just a game changer for their self esteem and also for your understanding of why they will NEVER be 'just like others' - in a good way!

I have let go of so much 'expectation' for my daughter and she has gained so much confidence and self knowledge in managing her needs/ social stresses - and she is younegr than your son so I am sure he would benefit from self understanding

dont let him get to adulthood thinking he is 'deficient' when actually he is ND - if youc an afford it pay for a private diagnosis don't wait years. if you can't afford it go and see the SENCO at his school asap and tell them you want a diagnosis

If your son for example is autistic then he is going to find it much much harder to navigate social situations.

Knowing this is the first step - and you can then speak to school, get him on the SEN register and perhaps they can offer Neuroaffirmative support etc.

my daughter got a lot of help in primary in making friends - I know how much harder it is at secondary but there will be other kids like him.

Sorry didn't answer your actual question. Get him to read "How to Win Friends and Influence People".

It's loyally a "how to" for getting along with other people

If you suspect your child is neurodiverse then for the love if God please seek a diagnosis for him. If you suspected he was blind you would confirm it wouldn't you, not just lie awake worrying that he kept bumping into things?

A diagnosis isn't a magic bullet but it's a good starting point for working out what's possible and how best to support.

@waterrat agree entirely with this.

No advice but just to say my 15yr old son is also struggling with friends. Shame they can't try to make friends together