DD17 and aversion to physical contact

[PennineTrail]

I am beginning to get concerned about DD, 17, and her aversion to any sort of physical contact, from anyone, and wonder if there is an underlying issue or is it just a teenage thing? She was always fine with friendly hugs from people growing up, myself and DH included and I always used to give her a quick hug before she got on the school bus each morning without any issue. Now, if I try and give her a friendly hug, if she seems down for instance, she reacts angrily or just cringes and freezes and this is at home in private. Someone (female) at her p/t job tried to give her a hug once as she seemed upset and also got the cringing reaction and then, a couple of months later, told everyone else (in a nice way) that DD didn't like hugs so not to try and hug or give her a friendly kiss on her birthday. She is coming up 18 in late spring and has never had a boyfriend or been kissed (as far as I am aware). She was apparently "talking to" a boy at school for months but not anymore and I haven't enquired why as I don't feel it is any of my business but in the back of my mind I am wondering if she is scared of the contact that would be involved? I'm worried about her. Am I over-reacting?

My DS who is also 17, hates contact as well. He Will jump away if he thinks you’re going to touch him. He wasn’t always like this. He has autism though and I assume it’s sensory. He has never had a relationship and probably never will as it’s quite severe

Thanks @Willoo. Didn't think of that.

Yes very common with autism if you think she could be neurodiverse op? I can attest to this myself

Yep, my 19yo definitely has autistic traits, although never been diagnosed. She is like this, it’s a little worrying. She has dated a couple of boys and they have been very patient with her but physical contact has never been on the cards. She seems very self contained however, there is lots of time, I hope it will sort itself out.

I hated being touched at that age and would react exactly the same.

I don't really like it now, although I've had to soften a bit as I have very affectionate nibblings and a very touchy feely Italian DP. I tolerate hugs hello and goodbye and I don't mind a cheek kiss but I'd really rather not. I do it because it's social convention and it's easier than continually having a conversation about it. My family know not to try to hug me and DP keeps it reined in to some extent.

As far as I know I'm NT. Some people just don't really like lots of touch.

I've always hated hugs and am just not a touchy person. I am NT as far as i am aware. I have been like this since i was a teen and managed to have boyfriends. I have been married nearly 40 years!

My 16 year old has always had an aversion to being touched, he would flinch. He's awaiting ASD testing at the moment

Unless you have other concerns it sounds like typical teenage your embarrassing I'm grown now not a baby.

I miss the days when hugs were reserved for best. I’d much rather shake hands with almost anyone than do hugging.

This started in early teens, the social convention is for gigs so that’s what I do, but I don’t like it.

My NT 18 year old does not like physical touch and never has from a fairly young age. She always hated friends and extended family to hug her and from around puberty onwards that extended to all of us. I felt a bit sad but respected it. She shows affection in other ways like giving thoughtful gifts or doing things for people and very occasionally she will seek some physical affection from me eg if in pain or very sad. I did wonder about how relationships would work out but in the last few months she's got a boyfriend and it appears he is entirely exempt from the no touch policy...

@ThePure Sounds exactly like my Dd19 and her BF is also completely exempt from the policy! She's ND though and does have some sensory issues. I myself do not like people to touch me. I did find it difficult when dd wanted no contact though - she was a very huggy child then completely changed as a preteen. I did wonder what would happen in relationships - quite surprised to see how different that is.

I don’t like hugs. I don't like touching people, I especially don’t like people touching me. When my best friend’s horse died, I asked her if she would like a hug, as I wouldn’t normally offer one, and she said ‘ew, no! But I appreciate the thought.’ Some people are not huggers. It doesn’t mean we are abnormal. FWIW, I have been married for nearly 30 years, so even though my 17 yo self thought the idea of touching anyone was repulsive, I managed to find a man who’d put up with my non-huggy self and have managed many a hug with him, although he’d probably say he’s also had many a time when I’ve gone ‘get off me!’ too.

I don't think DD is ND but who really knows these days. Certainly she has no diagnosis.

She was painfully shy as a small child and had some sensory sensitivities (would not walk on grass or go in a sand pit as a toddler and very very fussy with food) but she can read other people very well and is a very convincing liar should she choose to exercise that. She has a small circle of long-standing close friends, her language appears normal and she doesn't have obsessive interests or even any hobbies that stick for long.

I was like this at her age and even as a child. Even now, I never, ever hug my parents. I really hate physical contact from anyone except my DH and my children. It’s even the reason I don’t go to the hairdresser! I don’t think it’s that unusual. My 15 year old DS is the same.

Sorry to have to say this OP, but is there any chance at all that she could be a victim of ongoing sexual abuse?

She might get it from DH who is quiet and shy. I am quite the opposite an outgoing tactile person who loves hugs but fortunately for me I have a younger DS who likes hugs too even though he is a grumpy teenager now so I just take it out on him.

Let's not jump to an autism diagnosis for a teen not wanting physical contact. It's within the normal range for teenagers so with absolutely no other concerns ASD is a long reach even by mumsnet standards

OP it seems it could be something or nothing
What does she say when you ask her? My DD just says she doesn't like hugs and that's all.

OP, kindly, are there any other concerns? Anything at all that has changed recently? I'm also wondering SA but didn't want to jump to conclusions

I hate hugs from people apart from my dc and dh. It doesn’t affect my life apart from the odd time people notice and comment on it. I tend to freeze up and they notice I’m uncomfortable I don’t think it means autism.

Thank you everyone for the replies. Interesting comments and food for thought.@ThePure- my DD sounds very much like yours in other respects too. No one at school or socially has suggested she could be ND. She is a serious over-thinker but it may be, like several have said, she is one of those people who just doesn't like hugs. When I ask her she just says she doesn't like it which I am going to have to accept and keep my concerns to myself. @slightlydistrac and @WeeOrcadian the thought of SA did fleetingly cross my mind too but she is not avoiding people, places or situations which I would suspect she would do if there was an issue. This evening she will be by herself, even though it is NYE and I detected distinct relief in her voice when she was telling me this, probably as she won't have to face any hugging or kissing at midnight!