Trying to get 18 year old up

[Cocojazz]

Husband and I despair every day trying to get our 18 year old son out of bed. It's painful when we have to get him up for school but in the holidays he often doesn't surface until 3pm.

So the question is should we just leave him alone to get up when he likes? It would just be nice for him to get out and about but he mainly stays in his room. Plus we haven't had much time with him and he's got to get himself prepared for apprenticeship submissions etc. and he just doesn't want to do anything.

We're finding it all very draining and would be interested to hear from anyone who's come out the other side. TIA.

@Cocojazz this sounds like my son. Is your lad depressed?? Or struggling mentally?? I found giving him small daily goals helped him to get motivated a bit. Could be your son feels overwhelmed with everything x

Seems fairly standard for an 18-year-old. I would just leave him to wake and get up by himself, including on a school day. He’s old enough to choose to stay in bed all day if he doesn’t have anywhere to be and to set an alarm if he does. If you leave him to his own devices and he ends up being late a couple of times he’ll quickly learn he can’t rely on anybody else to wake him up and to set his alarm for earlier if needs be, you’re probably making it worse by trying to wake him each day as he’s not getting the opportunity to learn to be self-sufficient.

Leave him to it.

Check in regularly that he’s ok with everything that he needs to do for the apprenticeship and offer to help if needed but other than that there’s no point imo dragging him out of bed everyday.

Cold wet flannel works well 😀

Very standard for this age group

I used to host foreign students this age and every single one of them from China, Europe, South America etc etc all had long lie ins every weekend without fail

So because of this I've never had an issue with my DS having lie ins to recharge because he always got up for school and did his work and went off to uni

So I think at this time of year no one deserves being nagged and should be left to sleep if they want before getting back to all the boring crap in the new year

If im out at bed before 10 it early for me.
Most mornings i role out at 10.30 11.30 am.

@shellyleppard I think he is depressed and is finding things overwhelming. I'm trying to get some help for him.
@MolkosTeenageAngst If we didn't get him up for school he just wouldn't bother unfortunately.
@Muchtoomuchtodo If we're not on his case about apprenticeships etc. he just wouldn't do anything - he constantly puts things off. He is lazy which is hard for us to deal with as we are both hard working.
@KittenPause The problem is that he doesn't always do his work and now finds himself behind at school. It's hard to know how to help him.

We're trying to stay calm but both of us are finding things very difficult at the moment. Thanks for your answers though.

At 18 unless you think he’s depressed or isn’t doing what he’s meant to be doing (school / work) I’d leave him to it. Currently going through exactly this with my two aged 21 and 13! We do wake the 13 year old up around 12 at the weekend as we want to go places etc but at 18 I think you have to leave them to it.

Teenage boys go through intense growing stages which makes them very tired

I read this in the book called Raising Boys years ago

He also states that boys go a bit bonkers when they get surges of testosterone around ages 4-6 and again when they hit puberty

It's a good book and was very popular when it came out and makes a lot of sense

So because of it it gave my DS a bit of slack

Also he might just be overwhelmed with life so needs time to do absolutely nothing till after the new year to reset his brain

This is really common. If he's struggling with adult life and his peers, then staying in his room will be a safe haven for him.

I'd say don't stress him more. Just let him have a bit of breathing space.

As long as he knows you're there for him, I expect he'll get through it. He's got all the core upbringing and morals and expectations installed in him already.

It might just take him a bit longer to work through it all.

I think I would talk to him about expectations going forward both short and long term. Phrase it carefully, that you are worried about him, want the absolute best for him, want to see him happy and are willing to facilitate that.

Some of this will be about what time he goes to bed and then about getting up in the mornings. Ds1 used a sleep app to work out the best time to go to sleep based on when he needed to wake up so that his alarm went off when he was in a lighter sleep. Never snooze the alarm, make the alarm go off on the other side of the room so you have to get out of bed and then straight into a shower to wake you up.

He could try that for a couple of weeks. But for these holidays before he goes back to school he needs to utilise the time to work on the apprenticeship applications. Set times you can all come together for that, more of a discussion than telling him. You can tell him when you are available and he can then decide what time to appear and where ie your dining room or lounge etc. He needs to be led to making decisions before you wade in and make them for him.

Does he still want to be at school? Does he want to do an apprenticeship?
Maybe he wants a different life?
He probably sleeps because he is unmotivated.
Sometimes I think teens need time (with parents support) to find themselves and the path of "must do" school, exams, apprenticeship or uni makes them feel trapped.

As a species, it's natural to want to sleep more these winter months. It's probably good for the body to some extent. We have just built a society that frowns upon it.

I suppose if he isn't motivated to apply for apprenticeships, etc, it might be a problem, possibly depression. But if he is doing everything he needs to, after he wakes, then let him sleep.

I've just finished my masters, but at 18, I'd sleep in until 1 pm. Teenagers don't see mornings the same way. They are more creatures of the night. Which is fair enough, they don't have responsibilities like kids, etc.