DD new bf - I’m out of my depth !

[Rosabe]

My 16.5 year old daughter has her first proper boyfriend, he’s 17. They have been together just short of 3 months. he lives out of town and they don’t spend much time together. However, during the school holidays, he visits his nan who lives not far from us. During one of his visits to our area, I invited him over for dinner ( just to get to know him a bit) and they sat down downstairs watching a movie. All went fine until he left the house and a message popped on my dd phone , which admittedly, I glanced at it. He was saying how much he enjoyed “ a the things they did” and how brave she was. I was mortified by it. I didn’t open the message so I have no idea what he meant by it. The point is I was at the house with them, literally in the kitchen and they were in the front room with the door open! I just think it is just a total lack of respect from both of them. DD has autistic traits and still very much young , despite being 16. I wonder if by calling her “ brave” he’s somehow manipulating her?

I’m just looking for some guidance, advice on how to approach the subject with her.

Respectfully, you’ve made up a whole scenario in your head. 🤣

Talk to your daughter about safe sex, explain the importance of protection, and let her know that she can always come to you with any questions or problems.

Phones weren’t invented when I was 16, but I was savvy.
I can imagine myself telling everyone — friends and boyfriends — no incriminating messages.

If you’re worried about your daughter, talk to her. I remember my mum not allowing me to see a very sweet boy because his father was a no-good, but she allowed me to date a 28-yr-old man when I was 17. Pretty erratic.
We never talked.
That sweet boy and I are still good friends 50+ years later. He’s still sweet.

Talking is the best. Don’t be afraid to talk. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and answer questions.
She’s your kid and she depends on you. ❤️

With the greatest of respect, what could they have actually done? You were nearby.

this is how I learnt the hard way not to look on my teen dc phones.

You have no clue what he was even talking about? Lol

I think you need to calm down and hopefully you've discussed safe sex and consent to your daughter already?

Ah, this reminds me of me and my first boyfriend sitting watching TV and leaping on each other whenever my parents left the room! It was probably just a bit of kissing and touching OP, which is normal for a couple of 16/17 year olds who have been dating for 3 months. I think you are overreacting a bit. Keep talking to your DD.

Yes I have talked to my dd about safe sex, consent, etc. she also has an implant for erratic periods.

I haven’t given all the details of the message and looking back at my post, I sound a bit mad. DD has a habit of letting all messages on screens so she can chose when and who to reply. . I was wrong for looking but the aubergine emoji in the message got my attention 😩.

the details on the message was very much implying that they got “ up to no good” . I was nearby but in the other room ( kitchen).

i know for some parents it’s ok for their 16 year old to be sexually active, each their own and I’m not naive to think that they might not want to/ be planking to. However, they haven’t been together long enough to have any meaningful connection and I’m genuinely worried. There is something about him that makes me uncomfortable and I can’t really explain why.

You have absolutely no idea what that means op. My dd is also 16 and year 12. He could have been saying she was brave for introducing him to her parents as she was afraid of doing so. Or for having a boyfriend, which scares her a bit, who knows.

The situation with your dd and mine is similar in that I have been told by a highly trained professional my dd is likely autistic but heavily masking and emotionally working younger than her years. She also has her first boyfriend now, been seeing him for 3 months or so. They haven’t seen much of each other, circa once a week as he lives a drive away and he went away for half term. She hasn’t seen anything of him this holiday. She was supposed to but then one of her grandparents, who lives abroad became ill and she wanted to stay home as dh was leaving the next day to see him.

As for what your dd and her boyfriend are getting up to together, not much by the sound of it seeing as they don’t appear to have been allowed in her bedroom.

My dd has spoken to me about what she is ready for in terms of a relationship. Not much tbh. Kissing and cuddling. It could well be that this is all your dd is ready for as well. And this should mean a lot to them as it’s an important part of development. However if it isn’t and she wants more, that’s also fine as long as she’s ready and keeping herself safe. She’s 16 and over the age of consent.

There is nothing disrespectful with having sex or doing things together. It’s highly unlikely they got up to anything with the door open to a room downstairs.

How about perhaps respecting her a bit more? She may one day need you and your post is oozing judgment when it should be protecting her and supporting her if or when things go wrong. And for now, ensuring that she understands consent, boundaries and safe sex.

Cross post. Three months is a lifetime in teen relationships.