Advice re 14 year old DD

[Estraya]

I'm at my wit's end with my dd and just don't know what the right path forward is so I'm hoping for some advice from parents who've survived the teen years.

There's a long backstory but the current situation is I'm a single parent 100% of the time to my dd (14) and son (13). For the last 6 months or so my dd has been pretty unpleasant.

• She's moody and nasty to her brother and me all the time unless she's getting exactly what she wants and then she's all sweetness and light.
• She takes things that don't belong to her (from me, not stealing from shops or anywhere else) and lies continually (again to me, not aware of her doing this anywhere else but who know?)
• She's coasting in school getting lower grades than I think she's capable of but the school think she's doing fine because she's quiet and well behaved.
• She leaves a trail of mess everywhere she goes and again lies and says it wasn't her.
• She frequently smells because she doesn't change her sanitary protection often enough and has really bad BO after a day at school. I've tried buying her a good antiperspirant deodorant and talking to her nicely about it but she ignores me so now I'm blunt and send her to shower and change whenever she stinks.
• The smell from her room got so bad recently I went in and found she was hiding rotting food (her packed lunches from school are not getting eaten) and shit stained underwear all over the place. She used to have chronic constipation when younger and this was an issue then but she swears blind it's not the case now and says she won't take meds or go to the GP about it. She eventually said she was scared to go downstairs to the toilet at night as it was creepy and so she was having accidents from trying to hold it in. I don't know whether to believe this or not, as everything is lies with her. Either way, it's not ok.

I could go on all day. It just feels like everything is a battle with her and it's really wearing me down. I don't know where I've gone wrong. She's currently grounded and I've taken her phone and computer away from her as that's one of the only consequences she cares about. I've said she needs to make some serious changes to her behaviour before she'll be earning them back but it doesn't seem to be working this time. Everyday she does something wrong or I find out about something she's done wrong recently but was hiding/lying about.

I'm starting to question whether she needs some mental health help. She had some play therapy when she was primary age and has spoken to the school counsellor a couple of times in secondary, but she says nothing is wrong now. This was relating to a specific issue in the family rather than general behaviour. There's a family history of neurodivergence and bipolar disorder and some of her behaviour reminds me of the family member on my side with those issues when she was a teenager, but then again so much of this behaviour could just be normal teen issues. I don't know what to do and if she won't engage with any assessment/help then there's nothing I can do. I'd be really grateful if anyone has any advice?

Nespresso, sorry didn't have time to reply earlier. As a young child she had a lot of health issues and she struggled socially and academically for the first few years of primary school. She's always been up and down emotionally I guess.

I don't think she has ARFID - I think it's normal fussiness that maybe I've indulged too much as I was forced to eat things I hated as a child and didn't want to do that to her. She doesn't gag on stuff or even really hate that much food. She just only wants to eat her favourite things and doesn't have the maturity to voluntarily eat a more balanced diet for her health

To be fair, if she's always been like that it does sound pretty much like our experience of ARFID. Have a look at the Birmingham Food Refusal Servicee*

I'm going to suggest we both go on a health kick for a new year resolution focused on eating well and exercising together.

Don't forget to compliment her when you start and how strong and healthy she looks .

Do you think a book like this onee* would help?

She doesn't have any speech and language issues

The ones my DD has wouldn't be noticed by most people. Did you do the progress checker I linked to? I'm not saying your DD has, just that it's useful to rule out before the Counselling starts.

We've been talking about careers and I've found something I think she'd be good at that she's interested in so I'm hoping this will provide some motivation.

That's really good. My DD listened to someone talk about their Career at her school, liked the sound of it, went to college and is now working in that field. I hope she does well

I did expect her to keep her room clean and do her own laundry, but I'm taking a step back from that and supporting more for a while to try and get her into some good routines and take the pressure off.

I think that's a wise approach. If she is ND then she's probably functioning at around 10 years and old so probably does need help in learning how to do these things.

One thing that works for my ND DC is having set days for things. So they know Tuesday they strip their beds and put clean bedding on for example.

She has a toilet pass at school

That's good as the toilets at school gave my DD and awful lot of anxiety.

and you could ask on the SN Teens section of you think an ECHP would be useful and how to go about getting one

I was a secret with older too,led to a lifetime of chronic constipation

Hi OP how are things now?