How did you/do you cope with the exhaustion

[SadSandwich]

My 17yr DD has had mental health challenges for some years and the last 5-years have been so challenging - suspected spectrum/ADHD and still on and in the CAMHS never ending waiting list.

Some episodes have been extreme - blue lights situations and extreme rage that has been physically and verbally abusive as well as breaking of items. Refusing school. Didn’t get out of bed for 6-months.

But for me the real exhaustion has come from the day to day - even when things are calm, for years we’ve felt like we have walked on eggshells, trying to maintain the balance in the house and always being ready for sudden changes in mood. Home has for so long just felt like really hard work.

I don’t know why I’m posting really just because other parents don’t share this stuff and I was reading another post about a DSD with an ED back for Christmas having left home and the OP was in many ways describing my life.

So it’s just kind of affected me thinking about how I’ve had to parent, the impact her mental health has had on me and our household, and how I feel about my home - it’s not been my happy place it’s been exhausting. There’s not really been anywhere to talk about this along the way.

Hi. I feel this, too. DD16 is autistic with MH issues. Different to your situation in that she is very passive, but still such a presence. She has closed down and has barricaded herself in her bedroom for 4 weeks with no engagement. Social services and CAHMS and school are involved (she goes to non-mainstream), but I'm sitting here on Mumsnet because I have to do christmas stuff and I don't want to. I'm just so ground down and mourning all the simple things we haven't been able to do over the years. It's very isolating and I totally hear you. xxx

I can empathise as I have a DD with mental health issues and eating disorder
It is draining being on eggshells all the time.
One thing I have a learnt is self care. It absolutely has to be a priority. You almost have to do it like taking medicine. Find what helps you relax and recharge and prioritise it weekly.
Put it in th calendar and absolutely do it. It will be hard at first but it does work. Also prioritise sleep. DD went through a phase of coming to my room at nights and crying and then going back. That meant I couldn't sleep after. Luckily I am ok HRT so i tinkered the dose with GPs advice and take a night pill so I sleep well because of it.
It makes a huge difference eating and sleeping well.
When I was at my lowest, the GP wanted me to start anti depressants. However, I managed to not go on them.
I do daily yoga style stretches at home, walk to the park or sit in the library for some time sometimes. I don't have too many friends but I go out for walks or coffee with them when I can.
I also pray and write a gratitude journal.
Practicing gratitude helps me look for glimmers in the day which we otherwise don't notice amidst all the doom and gloom.
It's a lonely journey but have hope that things do improve. We were at our worse last year this time. Things have improved though we still have challenges.
I recommend the book Never Let Go by Suzanne Anderson and her Facebook community Parenting Mental Health.
Hang in there. There is a path for everyone out of this incredibly dark road

Xx

Gosh thankyou for your kindness. I’m actually feeling so relieved from what you say. And I feel that deep sense of yearning for better years - mourning I think you said @WhotheWhat - so many what ifs. Thanks also for the reference to the book I will certainly take a look. And I truly wish that all those years ago in amongst the endless advice sessions and PDF information sheets sent from CAMHS that someone had said - and are you looking after yourself and actually parent - you’re doing a great job rather than you haven’t done enough, your parenting is inadequate, you need to give more.

By having a 'tribe' other parents/families in the same situation, usually found via social media groups on fb for me

I totally sympathise with you op. My dd has recently turned 18 and is much better but from the age of 14/15 she was a nightmare. She went from being a very quiet, well behaved child to disruptive attention seeking, known to the school trouble maker, who was self harming and mentally in a really bad place. I have to say, for a while I felt embarrassed to go to the school or bump into her friends parents because of her behaviour. She is on the ADHD waiting list and we've always felt she definitely has it and we've known it since she was little. We had to put a lot of work (and money with private therapy) into getting her and ourselves through it but we do seem to be coming out the other side. I do think school life for someone with ADHD is very hard and they are not catered for especially without a solid diagnosis. I have spent her teenage years feeling so guilty blaming myself for not being a good parent as I was a stay at home mum and looking back don't think it was the right choice. Myself and my husband still walk on eggshells constantly and it has definitely affected us and our marriage. We are still happy together and have stuck together well through it but we are not the same people we used to be. We had a wonderful life and just assumed being ok parents with ok parenting skills was enough but that doesn't always work out that way. The friends they get in with have a huge impact on them aswell. Our second dd is a lovely girl, with a very kind heart but we can see the sudden change in her attitude towards us (she's 14) and am dreading the next few years as I am still exhausted from the last teenager. She has terrible anxiety over everything and I can already see it's going to be a struggle to get her through to the other side. I knew the teenage years would not be easy but I did not expect it to completely destroy my mental health and everything I thought we were about as a family. I look at other people who's kids are thriving and I wish I had that for my own kids and myself. Having teens has definitely aged me and i often look back wondering where the hell it all went so terribly wrong. Like I said though op 18 does seem to be looking up from 14/15 so hold on in there and make sure you look after yourself. I read a lot, listened to music and danced around with headphones on when no one was looking, treated myself to little pleasures and took time away for myself. Also surround yourself with parents who are open to talking about their nightmare teens and who are totally non-judgemental, not one who kids are either excelling in life or pretending to be excelling. This helped me through massively and was like therapy.

When I was at my lowest with similar situation I had phone counselling. An hour to myself every week where I could offload and not feel judged.
Slowly as DD accessed meds and therapy and improved, I improved too.

I totally sympathise - we're in year five if the trenches too, autism, OCD, PTSD - her moods control the whole household. I have spent today trying to help her manage her emotions enough to ward off a Christmas-ruining meltdown, but in the process I have pissed off her older brother and missed out on seeing all the visiting relatives. Home is not a good place for me right now, I regularly feel like driving off somewhere and not coming back!

Wish I could offer some practical advice to help, but I'm struggling myself to get even a tiny bit of time to myself for the mythical self-care.

I'm here too and sending thoughts and strength.
I called the doctor two weeks ago and given a phone appointment tomorrow. I haven't been to the doctor for around ten years so not sure what to say but I think I need support or a support group.
I feel my ds 17 needs even more parenting than a few years ago and I'm exhausted trying to get him up and not knowing when to be tender and kind or tell him off. He smashed his phone and thumps his head and yells. I feel he needs counselling so I'll ask the doctor or may be meds? He is asd and on pip but does seem to get himself to his pub job at the weekend so there is hope.
He didn't come home one night in the summer and I lay in bed not knowing if I should drive around the village at 4am or call the police. Turns out he got scared and slept on a village bench.
I'm single and feel I can't look for a partner whilst I'm living in my nerves and bring someone to my home,yet I'd love someone to lean on.

I have a 13 yr old audhd girl. She has been in autism burnout and not been to school since last Sept 23. Mainstream and the bullying was exceptionally hard for her, coupled with puberty.
I have read so much, done loads of research and since last Dec I have low demand parented her, and tried to give her more autonomy.
It has been a god dawn awful year and I too had police out 4 times for her violence and damage( that guilt is overwhelming). I stupidly asked for help from Social Services and it has been hard being parent blamed but they get it now!.
Because of this involvement she now receives medication and is so so much better. I let her recover what I beleive was EBSA.
READ How not to kill your ADHD child, the explosive child and declarative language. Understanding how a teens and neuro diverse child's brain works has been a gid send for me. But both of our mental health has suffered bc for yrs I was screaming to professionals for help and got none.
She now wants to return to mainstream although she doesn't accept her autism diagnosis but it's her choice and will start in a 3rd Mainstream this January. Afyer 2 yrs of fighting shes finally been accepted for an EHCP (had to go the Sendist route (.
She has such low self esteem, ocds, panic attacks, self harmed and anxieties. I'm absolutely praying this is going to be a turn around for her. Ive had to give up my job and its so isolating, esp when your trying to fight everyone and the system for them . Imo schools aren't equipped to deal with neurodiverse kids and most professionals don't have training or a clue either.
It's forever a fight and inhave been to some very dark places as its just me on my own.
I've now started to take some time for myself bc that's the piece of advice I'd give. I take the dogbout for long walks and attend a gym now. Your Mental health is very important. I'm also a member of so many Facebook groups which help too.