DD 15 doesn’t socialise

[MN224]

My DD doesn’t socialise. She will go to school and her sports but does not initiate meet ups or get asked to meet up with girls she has lunch with in school. She’s quite happy at home doing things with us and loves doing schoolwork.

I can’t help but feel she’s missing out on her teenage years. When I was that age I was out all the time, discos, cinema, shopping etc and had quite a big group of friends. Will she develop social skills as she gets older?? She does have social anxiety however I think she doesn’t help the situation. Any thoughts?

I think it is a modern trend with teens. Two of my GC are like this. Perfectly happy in their own company. It is difficult to know what you could do about it.

My teenage years were far more like hers than yours. She's socialising at school. Let her be.

I couldn't have been less interested in discos and shopping with friends as a teen. I rarely met up with people outside of school.

She does have social anxiety however I think she doesn’t help the situation. This might be a concern, but it's a separate concern.

My 14 year old has friends and goes to the occasional thing but has no qualms about saying she doesn't want to meet up. She says 5 days a week is quite enough to see people. She is an introverted person who needs a lot of space. I'm not unduly worried.

She sounds happy. She might just be a different personality type to you.

My 14 year old DS is like that although his sport does take up 16 hours a week outside of school so there isn't much time left over and he says he needs that time to be away from people. He does still communicate with them but via games console etc. I think we think they are isolated because they are at home but in the modern world you can be at home and still be connected to your friends.

I was like that at school there were not many people with similar interests and I was shy. I did feel left out and lonely at times but was fine when I got to uni and there was a bigger and more similar pool of people. My siblings were more popular at school and are still more outgoing but don’t have the same close group of friends I have and now envy that. Sometimes it’s quality not quantity. Don’t make it a big deal or compare. I’m still much better 1:1 or in small groups I don’t do well socially in big group situations.

Things have changed a lot with the internet and social media in terms of socialising. We got 2 teens; they socialise a bit out of school but not to the level I was at that age; I was out every weekend; they more likely to be once a month on average.

If you have given them opportunities, go out with them, etc; there is no much you can do; you can’t force them at that age.

If she doesn't want to then she doesn't want to. If she seems happy then don't worry about it.

I was like your DD. I didn't want to socialise outside of school and I hated being put under any pressure to do so.

So, I'd say that there's nothing you can do about it. She is who and what she is.

Thanks. At what age would you say you felt comfortable to socialise with peers? Was it at uni or employment?

This was my ds at 15. Loved learning, only socialised when I made him really. He felt pressured by me to be more of a party animal, I thought he was missing out, but I now wish I’d let him be as introverted as he wanted to be and just built his confidence up.

Anyyway, changed schools at 16, got into Oxbridge, now has friends literally all over the world and quite content.

as parents we feel so much pressure that our kids have such full and well rounded lives, but I’d take the lead from them more and if they’re happy leave them be.

As someone else said they socialise without leaving their bedrooms half the time. Mine do sports but not that much on top as they play on Xbox etc They occasionally meet up and hang out but not that often

If she’s happy I wouldn’t worry. I didn’t socialise much outside of school until 6th form - I didn’t think it’s that unusual.

Thai was my DD - she moved into sixth form, friendship group shuffled a bit and she started going out.

My 15 year old DD is exactly the same. To be honest I was the same. She does some after school clubs and they occasionally meet up for birthdays, but that's it. She's happy and that's enough.

brains and good grades are better than fakeish or flaky friends, there's still time eg university