Help me understand

[Forestwalker24]

My DD15 tells us that she'd rather be anywhere than at home. This really hurts me. I know teenagers want space and love spending time with friends, but what I struggle with is the simple fact that being at home isn't awful for her. She doesn't have chores, gets her food cooked whenever she asks etc. there is no violence/abuse or constant arguments. All we ask of her is to study/do homework. She says I am always having a go, but all I ask is that she brushes her teeth and takes her makeup off each night. I do make comments about the amount of makeup that is applied and I do ask her to wear a coat when going out (which she ignores then she gets sick). Her dad and I don't have an affectionate relationship the only arguments in the home is with her and they are mostly around her not getting up for school/ or never studying. She's a smart girl but her grades have dropped dramatically to the point that she will fail her GCSE's. She doesn't have a group of friends or close friend she just gets up and messages people until she finds a place to go, basically she'd rather walk the streets in the cold/rain than stay at home with us. Can anyone shine some light on why she feels this way?

It's pretty normal for a teen not to want to spend time at home with their parents. Especially if those parents are negative and critical which is sounds like you are OP. Her not taking her make up off really is not the end of the world.

Teenagers are a mass of bubbling hormones , dealing with the stresses of education, the future, social status, relationships, changing body. It's massively stressful being a teenager and they tend to take it out on those closest to them.

I had two very sweet happy dds who once they hit teens suddenly had very different opinions of me and it was tough being judged in such a harsh way. They are adults now and get on great.

Stop commenting on her appearance you will make her feel like shit, if she's allowed to wear make up then leave her to it and maybe sometimes tell her she looks amazing. Don't tell her to wear a coat she's old enough to decide if she needs one and learn the consequences of not. Have boundaries in place - curfew, screen time etc and stick to them but don't nag her about it. Encourage study and offer to help. Try to make interactions positive (from your side) let the little stuff go - untidy room, non chatty behaviour etc but do pull her up if she is rude you deserve to be treated with respect. Try to find op's to hang out (movie, shopping) but don't be offended if she says no just keep offering/door open.

Basically wait it out , in three years she will be great.

Thanks for replies, I should explain that asking her to put a coat on is because she is leaving the house in shorts and lace top in winter, if she was leaving wearing jeans/hoodie I wouldn't say anything. The makeup comment is more advise, like maybe less bronzer/don't have it to far across etc.

Ok so this evening I exploded - and it really isn't like me, my dd made a few comments about me and I think I just realised that I am the problem, but then I think how am I really the problem when I have done so much to help her and I don't mean usual mummy things, I go above and beyond for her, I have put my kids before my own happiness for the last 4 years/ I've taken in the financial stress and the school worries to the point that I've been awake full 24 hours on multiple occasions. My kids are my life, and I really don't think I nag. At the same point I know I've let the rudeness slide and i walk on egg shells around DD.

I'm annoyed with myself for exploding because that means that she feels she can't say how she feels because I showed her how unstable and upset I got, that's not good but according to them all I'm the problem, I complain constantly but in my defence I just feel that why should I be the one to put the crisp packet in the bin, or why should I put the shoes away rather than sitting in the middle of the floor - but apparently that's me nagging and that's my job/ my job is to look after the house and I shouldn't complain. So, I'm the reason my daughter hates living here and I'm just a nit picker. It really is a fine line between asking your child to study and you making them hate being at home. So how do you all ask your teens to empty the bin in their bedroom without sounding like your having a go and that is an honest question?

But she comes out in a sore rash if she doesn't take it off, then she feels ugly, then she'll not want to go to school.

The taking the make up off thing not one to fight over. It is definitely one to stay out of. With teens, as in all kids, it's pick your battles. And makeup off is not a hill to die on. Likewise insisting on a coat. She is a teen, not a 5 yr old. Let her decide for herself if she needs a coat. You are being too controlling.

Your relationship isnt good enough at the moment to be in the position of giving her make up advice - she will be taking it as a criticism.

I know teens are hard but every time someone has said leave it that doesnt matter you have had an excuse for why you are right - this is what will be annoying her.

My son goes out with no coat on - its his fault if he is cold that day. I dont let him leave his room in a tip but occasionally sticking shoes or rubbish away really isnt the end of the world is it surely?

I would work really hard on biting your tongue as you do sound critical of her choices and its pushing her away

You can't control a teen.

It's like a toddler. They don't want to wear their coat. Okay so they'll be cold. As an adult you take the coat with you in case they want it.

With teens you really do need to let them make their own choices and experience the consequences themselves as far as you can manage.

In addition, think about the ratio of positive to negative things you say to her. If most of your communications are negative - that make up is badly put on, you'll be cold, you can't go out wearing that then yes she will see you as negative and critical and will try to get away from you as much as possible.

So what can I say?

I have been biting my tongue and picking my battles for three years, now all I get is a rude teen who doesn't pick up after herself because I've not asked her too cause I picked my battle. Today parenting is don't say anything to the teens, but are we not creating these spoilt kids that can't even walk to a bus stop or run their own bath? If being controlling is asking a teen to put a hoodie on because you care about their health when it's -1degree outside, or take their shoes up the stairs because I'll probably trip over them then I'm lost in what I can ask from her. I'm not a horrible controlling mum.

Oh I should add, I tell her all the time her makeup is nice, you look nice, that outfit suits you, that colour looks lovely on you, well done in that exam, oh that's awful that you had a bad day etc etc, that was very wise choice etc etc

I hear you. So, do I say nothing and I don't mean that in a rude way, I'm asking what is acceptable to ask them to do?

The makeup comment is more advise, like maybe less bronzer/don't have it to far across etc. how would you feel if someone came to you and told you you’re wearing too much bronzer? Probably not great. I doubt you’d be really appreciative in that moment of their ‘help’

go above and beyond for her, I have put my kids before my own happiness for the last 4 years/ I've taken in the financial stress and the school worries to the point that I've been awake full 24 hours on multiple occasions.
your financial pressures aren’t your children’s problem. You taking them on yourself isn’t a favour you’re doing her, it’s your job. You not sleeping because of worries, or you putting yourself last isn’t her problem either. I don’t mean that rudely, obviously it’s good you prioritise your children, and it’s hard not to be resentful when that’s thrown in your face, but you are the adult and that is your choice, she is a child and doesn’t understand the implications of that.
it does sound like you’re not picking your battles well and perhaps the big things are getting lost amongst the things you could let go.
but also teenagers like to be out the house and they like to not prioritise school or tidying up, and parents have been arguing about it since the dawn of time

You say you’re biting your tongue for years, and picking your battles but you’re also arguing over coats and makeup. I think you need to sit down and figure out boundaries and hard rules. And things you can let go.

Ok, the makeup comments, so before she would have asked and I suppose I just thought we are still at the advising/help stage. So I'll stop that.

I know the financial strain isn't her problem, I just try and control the purse and I get that she shouldn't be burden, that comment was more that I feel I'm the one dealing with it all (her dad ignores it all) and I don't think they realise just how much difficulty financially we are in. That is a whole different thread. As I said at the start, the problem is she wants to be out all the time - which costs money (bus/food etc), and I want to know how I can make the home a safe happy environment for her.