Overly involved in teens life

[Passmetheprosecco86]

Have name changed for this as worried its outing.

I have a 13 year old daughter, does well at school and hobbies out of school - generally well rounded girl. A few months ago she starting ‘going out’ with a lovely boy, on a very similar wavelength to her, very polite and respectful. They are really probably more like good friends so far but text a lot and have recently started hanging out at the weekend (usually with other friends too).

i just feel so involved in needing to know everything that’s going on with them - always asking how it’s going, what their chat is, worrying about her getting her heart broken constantly (which is inevitable in life at some point!). I’m alway thinking the worst instead of focusing on all that’s good in the world and our lives.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? I can’t decide if it’s a natural consequence of our kids becoming teens, if it’s linked to existing anxiety or both. I really feel like I need some sort of help to stop the obsessing but not sure where to go or what I’m even asking for help with. I only have one child as well which possibly doesn’t help as no other kids to distract.

Why do you feel the need to be so involved and ‘know everything about them’? You obviously recognise that it’s an issue OP. Just take a step back - if you can’t do this by yourself then yes, I’d suggest that you do need some professional help with this.

What were your parents like with you?
You've recognised that this is OTT but I wonder if it's caused by you replaying behaviour that you're familiar with?

Recognising this is positive.
But this is the stage that you have to take a step back. Be interested and curious in her life, but respect her privacy.

Thank you for responding.

I wasn't parented anything like this - my Mum wouldn't have known half of what was going on and was interested in our lives but not overly so.

I do need to speak to someone about this. I guess I just I wondered if it's even slightly normal to feel a bit like this as they start to move into being a bit more independent. I don't think social media helps as I probably get more of an insight into the goings on than my Mum would have had the chance to.

I'd started off thinking it was just nosiness but it's got to the point that it's distracting me from thinking about other things.

I also wondered if it's peri-menopause, as my anxiety has generally become worse in recent months re anything and everything 🙈 has that made anyone else feel like they are losing their mind?!

I think the fact that she is only 13 rather than 16/17 could count for a lot . I too would be worried about a girl so young as you have no idea what values he has been raised with . The horror stories on SM are also scary for the mothers of young females nowadays . I don't think you are doing anything wrong by questioning her as she is only 13 you do need to know .

I'd say it's fairly normal (in the circles I move in anyway) but obviously it would be better to take a step back.
This was once a person you did know literally everything about, so stepping back is harder and does not always happen exactly when it should.
I wouldn't feel bad about this, but I would try to get casual now before they decide you are interfering and stop telling you anything at all. (I speak a wee bit from experience here!)
And also, yes, peri menopause is no friend of independent teens.

How much of a life do you have outside DD? It might be time for you to develop your own hobbies and interests now she's gaining independence.

All good points here. I need to find strategies for distraction! I have hobbies and a fairly good social life etc but need to find ways to keep distracted (while having a healthy interest in what's going on) without it consuming all my thoughts.
This feel like it's probably the hardest stage since the initial newborn shock 🙈

I have 2 dd and I am like this with the eldest.
I think it’s because she has had a tricky few years and while things are better I feel in a constant state of ‘red alert’ waiting for things to go downhill again. I have to stop myself from asking if things are ok and to get her to rejig conversations she’s had with friends. It’s totally irrational and quite bonkers! I have also found out that the more I get involved then the worse her anxiety.
I don’t do this with the youngest and have learnt to stop myself if I see the warning signs.
im also going through the perimenopause so really do think it’s linked.

OP just a handhold and some validation from me. I went through something similar. It has eased off somewhat as I grow to trust my DC's judgment and growing independence. I think that what was under it was a) anxiety, b) grief at them having a life outside of me/home and c) the speed of change - it all seemed to happen overnight. Please keep an eye on it and try and hide it if you can from your DD. Find adults to talk to about it. If she knows how anxious you are about her, she will grow up to not trust her own judgment/insticts (I say this as a child of a VERY anxious mother!)