Advice needed teenage daughter

[ETphonehome77]

Hi my daughter is 15yrs old (16 in March) she was previously with her boyfriend for 9 months but this finished at the end of the summer. She recently met a boy via a friend and they met a couple of times however, on the second occasion of meeting him she came home with a very visible lovebite. Me & my husband were concerned and very disappointed so decided to ground her. She now now wants to see him again and I’m worried she is getting too serious too soon and also what kind of person he is after what happened? I’ve told her how I feel and that I think she should take things slowly but she seems to throw herself in straightaway and doesn’t listen. I would be grateful for any advice?

You'll only get a bunch of, "you're too strict; you'll drive her away; you're ruining her childhood' type responses.

You can try the ‘ you’re underage’ angle. It probably won’t work. You can ground her, that probably won’t work either!
You can try talking to her about how she feels about relationships, and why she’s giving so much so quickly. What that says about her own self esteem and whether she’d like to find some new hobbies etc…. to fill her time and headspace. It’s a difficult one to navigate, you won’t keep her away from him if she’s determined. You just need to make sure she knows how to keep herself safe

I’m 67 and was always getting love-bites when I was a teenager. I hid them from my parents with scarves and make-up. What kind of a person is he? A normal teenage boy. I think you’re over-reacting and yes, you risk alienating her.
Have a calm conversation with her instead, maybe about sex and contraception.

Thanks @littlemissprosseco I did speak to her this morning about throwing herself in and maybe she could take on something else during the week. She does have some issues around body image and food etc. and is seeing a counsellor. She plays tennis once a week but doesn’t do anything else. Yes, and that is my concern.

@OutbackQueen yes, I understand that’s what teenagers do but my concern was it happening after the second meeting

So your DD will be 16 in March and able to have sex legally.
What is the point of punishing her now. As far as you know she hasn’t even had sex.

As long as he's of a similar age and it's consensual I don't see a problem. Would it have been any different if it was a snog and you couldn't have seen the after effects?

My worry is more around my daughter jumping into a relationship again and it becoming intense so soon.

Just use it as a chance to chat with her (without judgement). This is the age they pull away and push us away so grounding her and being judgemental won’t help your bigger picture, which is presumably to keep her safe.

It’s a really tough age to parent but remaining a trustworthy confidante to her is your aim here. As in, creating a place where she will will be honest so you can guide her gently to what is safe and positive for her.

Good luck 💐

I agree with @MagicalMystical, but you really need to be working on her self confidence so she doesn’t feel the need to be looking for something else to fulfil her

That would be mine too, considering she'll be doing her mocks and then exams in a few months. She's got enough to think about without the risk of heartbreak etc

But banning them seeing each other is just going to make him more appealing/ it more romantic. Keep the lines of communication open but make it clear her exams and future come first, not boys!

What is your words of wisdom then?

Bear in mind though that they would have been texting/messaging/snapchatting constantly in between. So although it's just a second meeting to you, what I found with teens is that a lot of them will build a lot of emotional intimacy online. It does blur boundaries because they feel like they know each other more having spent a lot of time 'talking'.

Being busy is a bit of a red herring although it does provide distraction. My busiest child by far has always been the one most keen on relationships from a young age; my least busy child never bothered and the others were somewhere in between. If they have the physical and emotional need for a boyfriend/girlfriend, very little will stop them and all you can do is guide...

Ps one other piece of advice from me, I hope you don't mind... invite him to yours. Get to know him, make him feel overly at home, chat to him, feel your presence. I found in the years that it does act as a bit of a deterrent for certain unwanted behaviours.

Sorry but I am shocked that you have punished her. For what exactly? For deciding she wanted to do a perfectly legal act which is extremely common for her age, prior to you judging it permissible? Did you set a rule that she must not be kissed / gave a love bite before x numbers of meetings? Did she agree to this rule? You really have no right to punish her.

I can understand you being concerned, maybe trying to listen to her and her experience- whether this was something she truly wanted, or if she's feeling pressure to rush in etc.... but punish her? You are basically saying 'you should be ashamed to want to do anything physical with somebody relatively quickly'.... (a very shaming way to teach her about sexual contact) and you are telling her she should avoid being open with you about her journey with boys. So she'll be on her own, trying to work it all out herself from here on in....

Punished her for...being on the receiving end of a love bite?!

The only way to manage this is to talk to her. Responding to moments with negative reactions will mean she will just do things more secretly.

Talk to your daughter, in a low pressure situation. On a drive at nighttime or go out for coffee or something.

Manage it, don't react to it.