Teen and valuing family time

[Teenddstresses]

I am a stepmum to a newly-13 year old. We have always gotten on well (and still do!) but need help navigating an issue with a boyfriend/excessive phone use - as a result that means the little time we have with her is rapidly dwindling.
She’s always been the type to sit downstairs with us, watch movies and hang out. Her dad and I have a 1 year-old and she adores her brother. The issue is, her dad often works weekends (not really anything we can do about it as he works in the arts so has to work the hours shows are on). Last night he finished work and got home at 10. Stepdaughter only comes on the weekends, she’s here generally 5pm- 5pm Sunday so not much time around work.
Husband had been looking forward to watching a film with her when he got in from work, (at weekends we don’t worry about bedtimes so much) she stayed downstairs for half an hour watching the film but then said she was tired and needed a nap but would be back down. She went up and she was on FaceTime to her boyfriend for over an hour until she fell asleep and that was it. We only saw her when she needed a charger to carry on the call.
I get that she is a teenager and excited having her first boyfriend, he seems very harmless and we have met him - but it feels like when she comes at the weekends we just lose her to her phone and it’s really upsetting her dad that he doesn’t get to see her much at all due to work and her living a fair distance away, so weekends are precious. Her mom is great but quite permissive of calls etc when she’s there, but it doesn’t eat into their family time as much as she is there all week.

Is there a way to address this with a teenager without seeming needy/too strict? We want her to be happy first and foremost and when her dad’s off on weekends we always go out and do fun activities, but without being too outing Pantomime season is hell on earth and the time my husband gets with her is less due to work and losing the little time he has to FaceTime calls is getting everyone in the house down. I just don’t know if I’m being too strict asking her to not call while her dad’s awake after getting back from work. I’m considering asking her to cut down the call times or save it for mornings/when everyone’s in be.
She is a wonderful girl and I am cautious of making her resent us, or seem like I’m trying to force her to spend time with us while she’s here. I just miss her. I don’t like her having loads of screen time but as it goes mostly unpoliced at her mom’s it’s easy to look like we are being strict.

Even if no advice, if anyone’s been through similar I’d love to hear how you approached this. She loves her dad and spending time with him, she was really enjoying the movie and just stopped watching and pretended she needed a nap so she could go and do a call. I remember being a teenager and being glued to my phone, I wish someone had warned me how much I’d miss her once she got older and I stopped being cool to hang out with 😅😅😭😭

It's very hard to address this with a teenager.

At this age, particularly if she has a boyfriend, her friends and her boyfriend and her life are important to her.

She's starting to get to the point where she is beginning to spread her wings and develop her own life. It's not a great idea to try to get in the way of it (and she'll resist very hard if you do).

If she's coming round at weekends and dad's not actually around much at weekends this seems quite counter productive. Is there any way dad can spend more time with her in the week or at weekend evenings? Take her for stuff she wants to do?

I think there are two different issues here- screen time and her not spending so much time with you.

On screen time I think it’s good to limit it. We didn’t allow phones in the bedroom overnight until dc were 16 (wish we’d made it 18 actually)- phones went away downstairs at 10. I think it’s fine to have different rules to her mum.

On spending less time- that’s just part of being a teen, I fear. It’s sad for us as parents but a natural part of growing up and becoming independent. Sounds like you have a lovely relationship so I wouldn’t try to force it. I also think you are going to have to accept that your husband’s work means he’s less available and your SD won’t always a want to fit in around that, especially as she gets older and has her own plans in the evening.

I don't think it's realistic to expect a 13 year old to spend time with dad at 10pm. It's very late. Is there a different time that would work?

Unfortunately on a day like Saturday he was at work from 12-10, and she only gets dropped off late afternoon on a Saturday due to clubs. She’s usually up on her phone until late anyway (I don’t approve and have caught her up texting at 2am in the past!) and has a lie-in on a Sunday, on a Saturday when my husband is in work it’s genuinely the only time that day he gets to see her. It’s rubbish but the industry my other half works in doesn’t have the most sociable hours this time of year. It sucks and we are looking to change that. ☹️

Thank you for the thoughtful and great response, I agree entirely with you: I think I’ve been too scared of upsetting her/ruining a good relationship with her and I need to be a bit more ‘parenty’. I made her toast she asked for today and when she’d been texting and not eaten any after 40 minutes I offered to make her some more and she was annoyed I asked as she ‘doesn’t like toast unless the butter’s had time to soak in’ 😬 I think she’s just turned into a proper teenager overnight and I need to accept it. Her mom’s having the same issue of feeling like she’s drifted away really quickly and we are all a bit gutted but I realise she does need to be independent and grow up eventually!
she’s an incredible girl and I am so wary of making her resent coming here (though I am so with you on phones in bedrooms! Tempting to limit that past a certain time at night as I feel like it’s very late to be chatting away. We were so worried when her mom got her a phone (she was 10) and had our fair share of drama with it, but she’s quite mature most of the time. I wasn’t allowed my phone in my room ever as a teen - she thought that was insane when I told her! X

Trying to be more parenty - if I made toast and the DC left it to go cold for 40min while they played on their phone, the very last thing I'd do would offer to make some more!
Parenty response - to wait them out until they took a bite and moaned it was cold, and then give them the food waste lecture 😉

Just because her mum lets her have her phone all night doesn't mean you have to have the same rule. A young teen with a new boyfriend NEEDS a lot less phone time than she has. Letting her FaceTime in the middle of the night is pretty poor parenting imo.

Time spent with her df is a separate issue. She likes a lie-in on a Sunday morning which presumably is the only time her df has before work - tough - she doesn't get a lie-in! They go out for breakfast or something. Trying to squeeze in a relationship late at night isn't going to work. He needs to think how to tackle this. But what has happened before? Or is he new to this career?

I think you are in danger here of losing control over her phone use because you are focusing on the wrong thing

My 13 yr old is not allowed unlimited phone use and would not be allowed it at thr table. Pls don't think I'm being unrealistic. My kid is addicted to the bloody phone sometimes

But it sounds as if you are forgetting that you have to have boundaries. Do you know she is texting or is she just scrolling tin tok?

Pls be sure you set phone rules

Separately I'm sorry but your husband is not being realistic. Teens do start to choose friends over parents and he can't expect her to dance around his hours forever.

I think break this down. Set clearer phone rules first. Then work out whether you need new hours for seeing her dad

Its not clear from your first post - but, I think you need to sit with her and just say - you can't be on your phone all the time and here is how long you can have each day when with us etc

also - I work in the field of online harm and i would be VERY wary of her having video chats with a boyfriend late at night at 13. Im surprised this is okay with any of you.

I remember being a teenager I was a right little shit and very chaotic - I got up to all sorts. At 13 - you really really need to be hard with boundaries.

She can talk to her boyfriend in daylight hours and I'd be very certain you know who she is talking to.

Not new to the career, just usually isn’t an issue as rest of the year the unsociable hours are peppered in among more sensible working hours. November-December gets a bit crazy and in past years he’s had to catch up with her on the Sunday morning before going to work early afternoon. Not so easy when she doesn’t surface until noon (probably because she stays up late on the phone). Can see from replies that I’ve been much too lenient with this!

She has had a few bollockings for being up at midnight on FaceTime, I know really I need to tell her no phones after a certain time but also wary of making myself Public Enemy #1. Agree she should be up for breakfast and I know you’re totally right on the phone use. Have had the ‘but mom lets me do this’ and I have a toddler and not much fight in me I’ll admit!

Oh trust me I fucking hate the phone! I grew up in the age of Chatroulette and saw shit I can never unsee on the internet in my life. Agree totally on setting limits, and I don’t like the FaceTiming at all. I am always a room away and listen in when she is (only calls in evening so generally I’m in the next room with my toddler). I hate it. I think I just don’t currently have the fight in me to deal with the strop I anticipate coming from telling her she can’t. I am still angry she lied about needing a nap so she could go and FaceTime and will be having a polite but firm word. We are permissive enough that there was no need to lie!

She doesn’t eat enough imo and insisted she just wanted toast over a proper meal, but it was the ‘I’m just letting the butter soak in I don’t like it otherwise’ that just made me realise she truly is a wee teen now 🙃 If I didn’t prod she’d barely eat! Food waste lecture an excellent idea!

It sounds like a tricky situation, but it’s great that you want to balance her happiness with spending quality time with her dad. It’s totally understandable to feel a bit hurt when the time you have with her feels overshadowed by phone calls. One approach could be to gently set some boundaries around phone use, like encouraging her to save the calls for after a certain time or perhaps making a fun rule about phone-free activities while she’s with you. You could also talk to her openly and kindly about how much her dad values the time together, without coming across as too strict. Finding that balance can be hard, but maintaining open communication with her and showing that you respect her space while still valuing family time might help.

I agree with previous posters. It's fine (and a good idea) to set boundaries around phone use (eg phone not allowed in her room overnight), but it's normal for her to want to chat to her friends or bf rather than watch a movie with you, and I don't agree with forcing her to do the latter. Could you arrange to have her for some extra time in the school holidays (at times when her dad won't be working) and organise some fun stuff to do?

I hear you on how hard it is to balance stopping phone use with normal family life/ toddlers etc, is same in our home.

ONe thing I hate most about the phone is that - I don't want to endlessly nag my 12 year old but - if I don't then I'm aware I'm letting tech use slide.

bloody evil things wish they would ban them for kids.

Her dad needs to enforce things. No phones in rooms after 10pm and no phones when eating. Eat at the table so she can talk. She is only 13 so you need to set boundaries for the next few years.