Violent/angry? son - what do I do??

[mixformax]

First post so please help!

Got home about two hours ago from work and checked with DP "everything OK?" as he was looking after my three - dd (12), ds1 (11) and ds2 (7). Answer no!

Seems that DS1 had hit DS2 so hard in the face that the crack could be heard in the next room. All had been fairly sweet in the house - the males all watching a DVD together while DD did homework upstairs. Boys were asked to get ready for bed with more DVD promised once that had been done.

Seems DS2 would not get out of DS1's bedroom so he hit him. Then DS1 didn't get why DP wasn't willing to sit down tog and watch cosy DVD.

DS1 is always lashing out at DS2 and cannot get it into his head that its not acceptable. I don't know where to go next? If I had hit one of the kids I would probably be locked up by now!!

DP is furious and is insisting that I get ex-h involved - "He needs to know that his son is a stroppy little shit". But Ex-h lives in Australia, has just returned there after spending week over here with kids.

If we get temper troubles from DS1 then I can normally pinpoint a trigger but this one seems SO out-of-the blue and extreme.

DS2 away for Sat night, DS1 and DD got on togther OK, saw favourite aunty on Sat and Sun, had big birthday get2gether for DP on Sunday. All-in-all good weekend!

Now its all gone tits up

All kids asleep when I got in, but I found a very vicious Skype messgae from DS1 to DP timed at 8.20pm which thankfully DP hasn't seen.

How the hell am I supposed to deal with it in the morining?

Anyone out there now??

You don't think this could be connected to his Dad going away by any chance?

Thanks for reading and responding!

Normally yes - I blame everything on Dad not being here but we have had a peaceful week since he returned to Aus.

There have been phone calls, no more/no less than usual

And TBH, even if that is linked, DS1 needs to learn self-control. I just don't know how to teach it to him

I'm very careful not to shout/scream/hit (however much I'm screaming inside) and my message to ALL of them is always "Don't retaliate - thats how wars start"

Is your eldest son physically maturing and he doesn't realise the strength he has?
Im sure your sons have always fought together, and annoyed each other as boys do. Is it just now harder as its a "young man" hitting a boy?

Can you sit own with all of the family and say that there are things that you're not happy with and want to look at ground rules again. Ask the kids what they are not happy with, and together draw up a list of boundaries. Then discuss the consequences of not keeping to the agreed boundaries. So you would say, slapping is not acceptable, no pocket money/ps/grounding etc.

Amazinwoman may have a point that your ds doesn't know his own strength if he has started developing. Siblings do tend to whack each other and you have to keep telling them that it's not on. Also let your ds1 know that because he is developing he might do some real damage to his brother and would he really want that.
What is your ds1 relationship with your dp? It doesn't sound too good if your dp thinks he's a 'stroppy little shit'.
Talk to him when he's calm and find out what's going on and let him know he's out of order hitting his younger sibling. Let ds2 know that it's not a good idea to wind older kids up especially if theyre not in a great mood to start with. What was ds2 doing in ds1 bedroom?
If you've all had a good time so far then emphasise that when you have the talk.

Thanks to you both!

I spent a lot of time last night on research - just dont Google "sibling bullying" - doesn't make good bedtime reading!

I had intended to have a "house meeting" later to re-establish ground rules. Both Boys are getting on fine now and you'd never know there had been so much upset last night.

I haven;t seen DP yet as he left for work before anyone was up. Generally he and DS1 get along OK. There have only been one or two instances of "you're not my Dad" in 3 years.

But DS1 can be a stroppy little shit! I know hormones are going to be kicking in around now, but how can one loving child just flick a switch and turn into a demon, WITH NO REASON!! What on earth goes on in their heads?

I think it is exactly that ~ a switch that goes off in their head

Well that is what my sis says about my 3 nephews now aged 20, 18 & 14

Sweetness and then horrible and then back to sweet and innocent

All in a small time frame sorry don't have any ideas how to stop it but as they get older they do turn into angels again

I think that boys start with hormones at age 11. That is what it will be. maybe your other half could talk to him on a one to one. Doing something that makes him feel good and more grown up. I think boys relate better to males at that age. It can be horrendous I have 3 boys. first two only 15 mths apart. It can be an absolute nightmare.