Drinking excessively

[Muchtoomuchtodo]

DS is 16, year 12.

He’s very bright, very sporty (plays and trains 2 regular sports) enjoys playing an instrument and going to Explorer Scouts. He’s got a great bunch of male and female friends and is popular at school.

Until now he’s been very, very easy to parent.

Twice now he has been out in the evening with different groups of friends and drank to excess - to the point that he’s loosing things and being sick. He’s not sticking to what we agree before he goes out (take 2 cans to a friends and stick to soft drinks when he goes out after that), or about not walking home by himself. He is also lying to us about how much he has drunk.

We drink socially at home with meals etc, and he rarely has taken us up on the offer. It’s never been forbidden but he’s not been interested which is fine. His older sibling is not interested at all in drinking.

We’re worried about how vulnerable he’s making himself as a result of this, as well as his lying. I’m trying to talk calmly with him but he seems so blasé. We can ground him for a while but I suspect this will just happen again the next time he goes out.

How have other people dealt with this?

I knew someone like this, although worse. they hung around with the wrong people and got in trouble with the police a few times.
grounding didn't work as they would just walk out the house regardless
unfortunately it took a bit of growing up and a good scare with the police to calm them down

Set strict curfews and expectations.
If he's sick he needs to clear it up. including clothes.
if he's lost things its his responsibility to replace it

how is he the morning after? at that age I could drink and still get up the next day as normal. if he isn't like that then enforce that he has to get up before a certain time the next day.

definitely explain dangers - choking on vomit, alcohol poisoning, walking home in the cold
and put some consequences in place if you can

but also, we've all been there getting drunk underage and putting ourselves in situations we shouldn't.

Thanks. His friends are really are nice bunch of kids and I know I definitely have been this drunk when I was younger, but the world has changed since then and he seems so vulnerable.

We have talked about the dangers of alcohol poising, being sick especially in his sleep, not being fully aware of his surroundings when walking home etc and he does seem to listen. But then he does it again.

He’s fortunate that things he’s left behind have been returned and (unfortunately) he doesn’t seem to feel too worse for wear the next day.

It might need for something to go a bit more wrong before he really takes stock. I hope not.

I’m pissed off that premises keep serving him, he doesn’t look 18 let alone 25 so ought to be asked for ID and he doesn’t have any fake ID. That’s nothing that’s going to change though, we need to get through to our son.

I’m wondering if it might be worth having a chat with his form tutor at school to see if they cover or will be covering the dangers of drinking to excess in PSE lessons but is that too much?

Ah this takes me back to my early teenage years of drinking excessively and waking up in the flower beds or in A&E, not knowing what decade it is. Good times.

My mum always made sure I had a carby meal before going out, would put snacks in my bag, advised me to limit my drink and always stick with friends, never let anyone go off on their own. She knew she couldn't stop me, I was a horrid teenager I'll admit so she just did her best to keep me safe however she could.

It was fun for a few months and eventually the novelty of drinking wore off. Hopefully it'll be the same for your DS but in the meantime, just keep reminding him of limits and risks, there's not a lot else you can do short of printing out his picture with his age on and dropping it at every bar, club, off licence and shop in a 10 mile radius.

A friends mum in collage allowed her daughter and friends to drink at her house so her mother could monitor them and be there if any of the girls/boys drank too much, they had a huge conservatory so we'd all just hang out in there, it's not ideal but at least they were all in the house, warm & safe and with a responsible adult.

With the best will in the world I think you’re being a bit over the top. It doesn’t sound like he is going off the rails. He is exploring and pushing the boundaries a bit; something all 16 yr old sixth form teens will be doing. In less than 2 years he will be of legal age to drink alcohol and potentially going off to uni where you will have no idea what he’s getting up to! It’s better that he learns his tolerances, learns from his mistakes and experiences the consequences of making poor choices while he is at home and has his loving family around him.

Now is the time to allow a bit more freedom whilst still under your watchful gaze. I think speaking to college is too much and you run the risk of alienating your DS. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with your son and make sure that he respects your rules by making sure that they are age appropriate. Grounding a 16 yr old for getting drunk is too much I think.

I agree that the experimenting with drinking is quite normal.

It’s the lying to us and putting himself in a vulnerable situation walking home drunk and by himself when that’s not we’d agreed that bothers me.

I think we got lucky with ds1 and this is pushing me well out of my comfort zone.

Well he's lying because you've told him that he needs to have only soft drinks once he's had two cans!

It's happened twice. While I understand this stage of parenting is nerve wracking, you're being quite over the top. You need to accept he's going to drink too much when he goes out, and prepare him adequately, not ground him and suggest his teachers get involved.

I agree with @titchy in that he’s lying about how much he has drunk because the rule you have put in place is not realistic. What agreement have you come to for getting home? How are you expecting him to get home? Can you set him up with an Uber account?

He has an Uber account. He was either getting a lift home with a friend or calling an uber, that’s what we agreed

Walking 2 miles home in the dark and rain having forgotten to pick up his coat wasn’t what was agreed!

While it is horribly worrying how vulnerable a teen is in this situation...I have to say it sounds absolutely normal from my own teen years

I was a 90s teen and we were out raving and stayed out all night at that age...and parents knew v little ir what we got up to

I don't know what the answer is but I'd try not to over react as I do think it's within bounds of normal