Shy teenage DSs

[Shakindj]

Does anyone have DSs who are shy around girls? Especially in social situations.

Is there a way to help them overcome this shyness or is this something they have to overcome on their own?

I suspect it's fairly normal for many teen boys. Mine is now 18 and his friendship group has become a little more mixed- 2 or 3 girls plus a handful of boys. I would say he wouldn't have hung out with the girls a year or so ago. I didn't have any input- he's overcome it himself, I guess.
Thinking about it, my partner was probably similar- into his 20s before he could stammer some sort of conversation with girls/young women! He's better now but still much more comfortable with men.
How old is your son?

17

I would try not to worry given his age, OP- I know it's easier said than done!
Is he still at school? I feel like my son has changed quite a bit since leaving school- only last May.
He's on a gap year and I imagine will change even more once he's started university.
He's also starting his first job today and will be working with girls his age which will mean he has to talk to them!!
I honestly don't think it's unusual for your son- at 17- to feel shy around girls. In fact, I think it's probably par for the course!!
As I say, my son is slowly dipping his toe into female friendships/whatever. Up until very recently he's stuck rigidly with just boys. He's a late bloomer but he's definitely on his way!
Actually the reason he's on a gap year is because we felt he wasn't ready for university.
Your son will get there at his own speed :)

Yes he's still at school. He's in sixth form. All boys grammar that then opens up to a mixed 6th form.

Don't worry, they "mature" at different ages. Our son had barely even spoken to a girl until he started Uni. That all changed when he found himself sharing a Uni flat with four girls! He became best friends with them and stayed in uni flats with them for the full 3 years and has maintained friendships with them after leaving Uni. Now he's working and spends a lot of time, in work and out of work, with several other female graduates who started when he did in quite a big "gang" of graduates, male and female, who do all kinds of things together including pubs, cinema, even a holiday. As far as we know, there's no "romance" involved, they're all just really good friends. So, no need to worry at all. Once out of the immature school environment, I think they develop very quickly out in the real World and soon catch up!

Well i guess at least part of the problem is he's been at an all boys school for years! You can't be too surprised that as a result he's shy around girls, surely?

There's always been a sister school attached. DS didn't really socialise with the girls from there.

unfortunately i nonchalantly wish this was true. as a nonchalant student, there a re mny boys who echo chamber together and remain insolently incel

My DS (16) doesn’t speak to girls much either. He’s not uncomfortable exactly as he has a sister (19) and knows some of her friends, but he doesn’t hang out with any girls of his own age. He says that he’d like to have a girlfriend at some point, but he’s not worried about it. I think they’ll gradually start mixing more.

I wouldn't fret. At that age I had no female friends. By the time I left university my friend group was predominantly female, and TBH still is... (and yes, just platonic)

DS does have a few female friends but he's not as close with them as his male friendship group.

At the start of 6th form he used to be extremely nervous to even chat to the girls. Now after getting to know them he feels more comfortable.

One thing that he doesn't like is that when he goes to house parties he's incredibly incredibly nervous and finds that he needs a few drinks to overcome the shyness and chat with everyone.

I did the research for an entire podcast episode on this topic and here's some advice: Let him know that you've noticed he's a bit shy and it's perfectly normal. Tell him that researchers have found teenage boys' greatest fear is being shamed, so it's perfectly normal for him hold back for that reason.
They say that it's often best for people to acknowledge their shyness and try to release themselves from that feeling of self consciousness. So rather than trying to hide it, actually just being able to say I'm just a bit shy, lets the air out of the bubble.
Ask him if he'd like tips on how to get a girl talking. My girls say that lots of boys just talk about themselves and how amazing they are, but girls really just want a boy to take an interest in them and what they think.
Shy people often benefit from rehearsing a social situation beforehand, and thinking through the quick tips on how to get started in conversations.
I hope this is helpful.

I've not asked him but I think he'd like tips on how to get a girl talking.

He's not had any romantic success, but he's not too upset about that. He does wish things were different but he knows he'll meet someone one day and he's got university to look forward to. He does fancy a girl in the year and while she did turn him down, they do remain friends. DS was happy that he managed to work up the courage to tell her. Though he does feel jealous that he's not experienced a romantic relationship yet.

I think it's great that he asked a girl out- a very bold move! The fact that they remain friends- even though she declined- speaks volumes about his resilience.
I maybe wouldn't tell him directly that you've noticed he's shy- it might make him more self conscious about it (it did me as a young woman!!)
You could perhaps talk about shyness or discomfort around girls in more general terms.

also, FWIW your son doesn't sound that shy!
There's no way on god's earth my son would ask a girl out but somehow he now has his first girlfriend. He's 18, so a year older than your son.
It's happened very organically- friend of friend type thing and outside of the school environment. I suspect she initiated it but maybe I'm doing my son an injustice!
I'm sure your son will be fine.

As someone who was once a very shy 17-year-old boy I don't think you've anything to worry about if he's had enough courage to ask out a girl or at least tell her how he feels. I think most boys in this situation work things out at university, if they go, though I didn't personally.

I agree with the advice above about admitting to being shy to people. I was perpetually trying to hide it with aloofness in my youth and it just causes you a lot more problems. Having social experiences with girls away from school friends would probably have helped me at that age, as I was surrounded by dominant males (both at home and school) who thought my shyness around girls was hilarious and would often exploit it just for laughs.

He's not had any romantic success, but he's not too upset about that. He does wish things were different but he knows he'll meet someone one day.

@Shakindj My DS (16) sounds very similar, he'll definitely meet someone one day, just not ready yet tbh. Although he'd like a girlfriend, his male friends are more important to him at the moment. Playing football and hanging out with them is his priority!

DS told me that he asked a girl out. He said he did it via text message because he found it too difficult to muster up the courage to tell her to her face.

While she did turn him down, DS told me that she wasn't rude about it at all. And yes it was awkward at school for a few days, but then she told DS that he was really sweet and that his message out a smile on her face.

It's brilliant that she handled that so well. The girls around me when I was young could be absolutely brutal at times. I think when you're that age you can sometimes see the whole opposite gender as one amorphous group rather than a collection of individuals, so good or bad experiences can have a big impact.

@LuXun DS has never been the best socially. He had a bad experience a few years ago with some girls mocking him on social media. This really hurt DS as he felt like a loser.

DS is now a lot more mature and blames himself for being "weird" and "socially awkward".

Thankfully that was a while ago, and the current girls in DS's year are perfectly pleasant to him.

My ds14 has always struggled a bit socially. I think he falls between 2 stools in that he is that rare breed of a very sporty kid but a bit nerdy at heart. His best friend is school has a girlfriend this term and he told
Me that he's upset now that he has no one to talk to at lunch time . I'm gutted for him. He couldn't even look at a girl he would be so shy

My DS was hopeless at 14. Used to get traded occasionally by girls at well which really hurt his confidence.

Big typo I meant teased not traded