End of my tether

[AGreatUsername]

I was going to NC for this but sod it. I'm at the end of my tether and don't know what to do anymore.

My oldest son is 18 and has ADHD. I was diagnosed with cancer pretty much on his 16th birthday and his life drastically changed overnight. He started acting badly, climbing out the windows at night, smoking weed and doing drugs, just being unbearable. Eventually when I finished chemo he decided he wanted to go and stay with his nan (his dad's mum) where he stayed for 11 months.

There were very few rules there and he did what he wanted, a lot of drugs and drinking, borrowing money and trashing her house (not criminal damage, but punching doors, generally being a lout). She was at the end of her tether with him when he asked to come back home, following a mental health crisis where he tried to overdose.

He was put on antidepressants but failed to go and get more so can no longer get them. He is not medicated for his ADHD as he refused as soon as he turned of age and adult mental health have struck him off.

To give him credit he has been good as gold when it comes to reliably coming home on time, and his room is ok. But the drugs are a real issue. He "only" smokes weed and never on my premises but he STINKS. It makes my house stink and I hate it. His 3 little brothers live here and I think it's vile to have to smell it.

He smokes daily, he does work, but a crappy part time dishwashing job. He NEVER gets up for work without me waking him. He comes home stoned and leaves his keys in the front door.

I just don't know what to do. He has nowhere to go and I feel trapped into having him here. His dad is useless and he hasn't spoken to him in over a year, and there's no more family for him to go to. He doesn't earn enough to move out and has no motivation to get a better job or save any money.

I am so tired of him. I am tired of having to remember all his shifts because if I don't he won't go and he'll have no money and I'll have no rent (£40 a week of about £300). I am sick and tired of the stench of weed. He feels like he is the victim when I have a go at him. It's so bloody FRUSTRATING.

I'm feeling pretty down and defeated over it all, so if you have any advice I'd appreciate it, but please don't tell me I'm a bad mum, I'm just trying to keep him safe and also my other children! He is a wonderful person under this, but I just can't go on like this.

I realise I forgot to say I know this started as a reaction to my diagnosis. But he has been offered so much help, he's refused it all. I can only console so much when he is having a massive negative impact on the rest of us and causing me so much stress.

I love him and I just want him to stop smoking, and see how clever he is and WANT to be better and get a proper job and have nice things!

It's so difficult isn't it when they have ADHD.

I think you might get some more, useful, replies if you post in the SN Teenage Section

He is self medicating with the weed when he should be taking ADHD meds instead, for free. You just have to keep gently talking to him about that. Tell him you love him daily and just keep asking for him to take the meds.
He will feel so much better if he takes the meds. Eventually he will hopefully realise that.
Maybe find an influencer his age with the same message and gently nudge him that way? He needs to want to do it himself.

Maybe find an influencer his age with the same message and gently nudge him that way?

My DC1 follows Steven Bartlett who also has ADHD.

He needs to want to do it himself.

This is so true but he still needs you. I think it's been revealed recently that a brain with ADHD doesn't reach full maturity until 30. He needs talking with, gently and often about how much you love him and love being with him, what he's struggling with and what he is doing to help his symptoms right now

This sounds complex and you are clearly managing a huge amount. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all of this and the fact you are asking for ideas and helps says you are a really great mum!

Instead of you continually supporting him, how about explaining to your son that you need his help, and ask for his support? At 16 you can be more open with him that you are managing a lot and will need his help to make things work as a family. A family is a team effort, and young people can get a tremendous sense of self-worth by knowing they contribute to their family. There is an age appropriate way to do it that isn't the same as over-burdening him, but he does need to learn the adult skill of supporting others in the ways that he can. Can you raise one of the issues in a calm, non-blaming way, and in a way that is asking for his help to find a solution that works for both of you. So explain your needs and talk about what you believe his needs are, ask if that is right, and ask if you can come up with a few ideas so each of your needs can be met. Eg. When he comes home he showers and puts his clothes in a wash?

In your shoes I would let him know how much that would mean to you to help you work out some solutions.

Also it may be possible to address some of the things that happened and may have caused him anxiety. Instead of asking him about his feelings you can model talking about yours by dropping small statements in eg. I was feeling so worried about my diagnosis and [how you dealt with that and how you feel now]... " he doesn't need to reply but when you do this over time it opens the possibility of him sharing. Don't set up camp on these topics, just drop them in to make it more normal to share feelings, and then move on. Doing this while in the car or doing a task side- by-side is good for these mini-talks.

You are clearly a very loving mum, so it's important you recognize how much you do for your kids and make sure you place a priority on your own needs and well-being, and teach your children to learn age appropriate ways of caring for you as a human being, and that relationships are a two-way street.

Just wanted to come along really to hold your hand.

I am facing similar issues with DD18 who has we believe ASD. Weed and drinking are both issues, she has health issues too and mental health struggles I am trying to help her access as much support as possible but it's rough.

She's not working and not really trying that hard to work. She has a bf who is also not working which adds to this I think.

I love her but it is all making me so stressed. I have another DC with ASD also (but very different) and a full time very stressful job, a dog, house to run etc. it feels impossible most days at the minute