How to have a better relationship with 17 year old son

[Feyra25]

Struggling to have a relationship with my 17 year old. Since finishing school and getting an apprenticeship he has turned into a bolshy it's my life and il do it on my own don't need anyone's help. He didn't do that bad in his exams the usual stress but it's like he is out working he thinks he is the big I am. Any advice to make things easier. I do speak calmly and only ask questions because I'm.interested and at end of the day he is still only 17 I have backed off aa lot but it doesn't seem to be enough. At times I just feel like I'm a house keeper

Very tricky time. I suppose he’s working in an adult world and in that transition to being an adult but at the same time has a teenage brain and probably feels a bit stressed and overwhelmed?
Id keep the questions to a minimum - you’re likely to have the odd nice chat when he lets his guard down- and other than that if he crosses the line I usually say “that came across as quite rude” … which sort of pulls them up on it but isn’t attacking and
allows for the fact that may not have been their intention. Good luck!

In my experience the way you have a better relationship is for them to move out.

They can keep growing up and get experience of the wider world and you don't need to nag them any more about the lack of chores, general messiness etc and can just have a nice relationship

Thanks both I will take your advice. Unfortunately as he is only 17 don't think he will be moving out just yet. Thanks again

I agree. He's only 17 so I definitely wouldn't expect him to move out yet but he might really enjoy the independence it he can afford it at 18. Mine is doing an apprenticeship, is 18 and has a room in a long let airbnb.

Let him come to you to talk, don't ask too many questions. Ask him about things other than his apprenticeship ie if he has any hobbies he might be more willing to chat about them.

He's growing up and it sounds like he's doing well, working hard (hopefully) so give him a bit of slack and just 'remind' him if he's being a bit rude. Be positive and model what you'd like from him. He'll get there I'm sure.

Thank you for all the advice x

When they do want to chat, stop what you’re doing and engage/listen whether they’re talking about a workmate, formula one or the weather.

I found 17 really, really difficult with my now 21 year old. Nothing right, everything wrong. Powder keg/eggshells.

I have developed a "son protocol" now where when he is upset, I:

• sympathise with his feelings
• don't offer advice or try to make anything better
• don't say anything about goals/expectations or make any reference to his future life

Basically the complete opposite of a pull yourself together/you have potential kind of conversation,

This seems to work well. DS feels comforted, goes away, then generates some kind of new thinking or solution, comes back and tells me about it (if I'm lucky) and I then get to say well done.

I don't know if this will be helpful but I hope it will be. The key seemed to be just sympathising and then letting him find his solutions.

Mine did an apprenticeship at this age and it was tough going. All the emotional regulation of a toddler whilst trying to navigate the world of work and office politics!

I bit my tongue (ALOT) and allowed him his freedom. To be fair he paid a small amount of rent, paid for his own phone, driving lessons, going out etc. Tried to be a bit softer than I normally would because I could see amidst the bravado he was still very young and a bit needy.

We’re a couple of years on and there’s a reasonably pleasant young man emerging!

Oh also made a point of taking him out for breakfast once a month. Getting away from the house just the two of us made him much more open to grown up conversations.

Thank you that's good advice appreciate it

BeMintBe thank you so much I it's good to know I'm not alone and that there is some hope that this is just a phase. Good tip about breakfast too my son also loves his food .