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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

DSD15 keeps saying she will unalive herself

12 replies

MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 09:47

There's a lot going on here and we don't know what to do. A few years ago DH went through court for custody of DSD12 and DSD15 (this was about 2/3 years ago, so they were about 9 & 12). Long story short, BM smacked DSD15 around the head and she told the school. After school doing the 3 houses with both girls and them saying they wanted to be with us full time, DH was advised by school & Social services to do what the girls wanted. School suggested they stay with us over the summer, being with us fulltime for 2 weeks as a cool down period then they started going to BMs for a couple days a week. DH pushed for phone and video calls with BM and set up a meeting at the school when they went back with BM to discuss things going forward. The meeting never happened. When they went back to school, DSD12 wasn't dropped off and DH received a message saying she didn't want to come back. All contact was cut, we didn't see her for months. Then BM started court proceedings for her to have DSD12 (she favouritised her) and we had DSD15, with them seeing the other for a weekend every 2 weeks. Since then everything has gone downhill. DSD12 told us she was scared of BM, but wouldn't tell the social worker as she didn't like her, so they didn't believe us. BM started buying DSD15 and gave her the attention she's craved, ignoring DSD12. Court ruled what BM wanted. But since DSD15 has been getting attention from BM, her behaviour has dropped drastically here. Argumentative, swearing, being nasty to her sisters (DH and I share 2 daughters now), not doing homework, not keeping on top of hygiene. She fat shamed me when I was pregnant and was awful when we were told my stepdad unalived himself after my mum was diagnosed with a stage 4 brain tumour. However she refused to stay with BM for a week as DH was working and I wanted to spend extra time with my Mum. I was the main carer as I was off work with little one. She started telling BM lies about us and pushed against all discipline, even lying to her school councillor. DSD15 told them that she tried to unalive herself at our house in the kitchen on her little sisters birthday with a knife, when she was with her mum that week and everyone was in the kitchen the whole time. Fast forward, she's now said she tried to use her martial arts belt to unalive herself at our house, saying DSD12 wasn't there. The time she said she attempted it, they were both with us. Then she changed the time to when they were both at BMs and has now settled on a date 2 months later when they were at separate houses. She said the belt was in her wardrobe, but the belts are all put away at the back of our wardrobe and have stayed there for 4 years. The belt wasn't in her wardrobe when we checked. We've tried to talk to her about how she's feeling, but she shuts down and won't say anything apart from that she's not happy with herself. She was seeing BM 50/50 at this point, even though the court order said one weekend every 2 weeks. We wanted to give her what she wanted whilst keeping the balance, and said when she's 16 if she wants to live with BM full time we'd never hold her back. The safeguarding team at the school have said as DSD15 is saying it happened at our house, she should stay with her mum until there's a meeting. Now DSD12 has said she doesn't believe her sister and DSD15 has threatened to jump off a bridge. We haven't seen her since September, and she's only asked to visit once but we were visiting family at the time. DSD12 is struggling, she had a breakdown on me infront of DSD15 before the unaliving claim, crying and shouting that BM, her partner and DSD15 all treat her terribly and she wants to live with us. When she came back 2 weeks later we found out DSD15 told BM, and now DSD12 is saying she was just being oversensitive and BM is now buying her a new smart watch. School says DSD15 is old enough to choose where to live now but obviously something isn't right. We feel like noone is listening to us and because of their ages, there's nothing we can do. Has anyone been through similar? Any advice? We're so stuck. Please help.

OP posts:
MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 09:56

Edit *BM smacked DSD15 around the head because she was talking about me and her little sister at BMs dinner table.

OP posts:
LadySad · 17/11/2024 10:02

Unfortunately OP, you are going to get a load of replies saying you don't need to say "unalive" on this forum and that your post is hard to understand.

It sounds like your stepdaughter is very confused and is struggling with loyalties. I would try to focus on the fact that she is expressing distress rather than that the information she is giving is not accurate. Do you have CAMHs involvement? Might therapy of some sort be available via school?

MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 10:05

LadySad · 17/11/2024 10:02

Unfortunately OP, you are going to get a load of replies saying you don't need to say "unalive" on this forum and that your post is hard to understand.

It sounds like your stepdaughter is very confused and is struggling with loyalties. I would try to focus on the fact that she is expressing distress rather than that the information she is giving is not accurate. Do you have CAMHs involvement? Might therapy of some sort be available via school?

That is what we have focused on, I've just written it so people can have a better understanding x DH mentioned it to the school but they've said because DSD15 is seeing someone there, she's already built a relationship with them so it may be counter productive x

OP posts:
LilacLilyBird · 17/11/2024 10:08

I don't know what BM means

MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 10:08

LilacLilyBird · 17/11/2024 10:08

I don't know what BM means

Sorry, birth mum x

OP posts:
MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 10:09

@LadySad Thank you for your response btw. I've tried to edit the main post but the option isn't coming up x

OP posts:
LadySad · 17/11/2024 10:18

MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 10:05

That is what we have focused on, I've just written it so people can have a better understanding x DH mentioned it to the school but they've said because DSD15 is seeing someone there, she's already built a relationship with them so it may be counter productive x

I would ask what qualification the school based person has. It is my opinion that in many cases school based "therapists" or "counsellors " are not very well trained and I would strongly doubt that they have a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist in that role. For that reason I would make a CAMHS referral as well.

It worries me that your daughter is talking about suicide and the school isn't pushing very hard indeed for CAMHS.

MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 10:24

LadySad · 17/11/2024 10:18

I would ask what qualification the school based person has. It is my opinion that in many cases school based "therapists" or "counsellors " are not very well trained and I would strongly doubt that they have a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist in that role. For that reason I would make a CAMHS referral as well.

It worries me that your daughter is talking about suicide and the school isn't pushing very hard indeed for CAMHS.

Us too. DH suggested it for DSD12 during court and her mum said she would, but she just ended up going to a girls drum circle where they can talk. We've brought it up multiple times with the school. I think we are just going to have to go to the GP and push for a camhs referral, or pay for private. It's only gotten to this point because it's happened twice and only now the school are concerned. x

OP posts:
cansu · 17/11/2024 10:32

The conflict and constant changes in residency must be feeding into her behaviour. The alleged suicide attempts also clearly indicate someone who is struggling with her mental health. By the way birth mum is an odd thing to say here. She is the girls mother. I would also be looking at getting a good private counsellor for her. I would also be wary. This has the potential to result in false allegations so I would tread carefully. Personally I would be leaving mother as resident parent but offering weekends and nights at yours as required.

LadySad · 17/11/2024 10:32

You don't need school to refer to CAMHs, you can do it via GP as you say or ring up. If your DD threatens suicide again you must take her to A and E.

cossette · 17/11/2024 10:41

In the CAMHS I work for you can self refer. The referral will be triaged for priority and if you want her to be seen urgently you need to highlight any imminent risk. It can be very scary when a child talks of suicide but the triage clinicians are very skilled at deciding risk. Unfortunately all CAMHS services are struggling at the moment due to capacity and funding so clinicians will discuss risk factors and safety factors with you.
However if your SD is actively suicidal please do take her to A&E and a CAMHS crisis worker will see her.

MauveDreamer · 17/11/2024 11:38

cansu · 17/11/2024 10:32

The conflict and constant changes in residency must be feeding into her behaviour. The alleged suicide attempts also clearly indicate someone who is struggling with her mental health. By the way birth mum is an odd thing to say here. She is the girls mother. I would also be looking at getting a good private counsellor for her. I would also be wary. This has the potential to result in false allegations so I would tread carefully. Personally I would be leaving mother as resident parent but offering weekends and nights at yours as required.

Thank you for your advice. I haven't been on here for a long time, but the last time I was people used to use bm to reference the child's birth mother. From what DSD12 has said to us, it sounds like their mum is saying negative things to DSD15 about us, so it's a massive concern. But we are aware due to her age there's not much we can do. I guess we can only keep voicing our concerns and let her do what she feels she needs to.x

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