Eldest DS needs a confidence boost

[RoseberryT]

My teen DS just has no confidence about the way he looks. He thinks he’s ugly and obviously nothing I say is making any difference at all. He’s gorgeous (and that’s not just a mother’s opinion!!). All my friends have commented on his beautiful face since he was born and even strangers used to stop me. He just can’t see it. Unfortunately he now wears glasses and has a brace which has caused him to plummet even further. My other DS genuinely isn’t as ‘text book’ attractive, also wears glasses but thinks he’s an absolute stud 🤣 I love it. He’s been the class heart throb since he was about 8 and is brimming with confidence. I can see it makes my eldest jealous and causes tensions but I don’t want my youngest DS to ever change.

What can I do to help him. I let him wear whatever clothes he wants, take him to the best barbers, got him contact lenses that he’s decided to stop wearing. I tell him constantly how handsome he is and how lovely he looks in something but I’m just his stupid mum! I’m at a loss as how to help. Any advice? Thanks X

It sounds like something he's just going to 'arrive at' himself one day but could you maybe 'let him overhear' you or someone else commenting on how handsome he is? It might not change what HE sees in the mirror but at least he might accept it as others' genuine opinions rather than simply believe they're saying it for his benefit?

Otherwise, I would concentrate on commenting on other aspects of his personality. Maybe looks just aren't that important to him and that's no bad thing as long as he recognises the other positive things about himself.

I think rather than going on about how handsome you think he is, you need to acknowledge his feelings a bit more. It’s good that you’re supporting him with trendy haircut and contacts etc A lot of parents dismiss these as trivialities but they’re monumentally important to teenagers.

I think you need to reassure him that the braces and other facial aspects will change as he gets older. So his current look will change as his muscular structure expands and matures. And he’ll lose the braces and have great teeth. Ask him what he sees as ‘good looking’. It’ll give you a good idea of what his influences are.

And ask him what other characteristics and traits are important. This will get him to reflect that it’s not just about looks. He can go to the gym, get his eyes fixed, get a haircut but he’ll still need character and personality. I don’t know if he’s into girls but if so, tell him that girls love a boy who has a sense of humour. That can compensate for a lot!

And keep going op! You sound like a great mum.

Thanks for this, I’m sure you’re right and it’ll just all come together but I’m concerned for his mental health in the meantime. We certainly don’t only focus on his looks, but other aspects of his personality are definitely suffering as unfortunately his looks do matter to him. I’m hoping to do something to give him a very much needed boost.

Thank you, appreciate your response. Unfortunately I’m seeing less and less of his fabulous personality and when I see him with his mates, he’s often at the back with his head down. We’ve had all sorts of different conversations and his idea of good looking is pretty much him - he just can’t see that’s what he is. I wish we could focus him elsewhere but this really seems to be a big thing for him right now and he’s struggling to get past it.

I’ll just keep going, keep supporting him, and keep the conversation open. I’d love him to have a girlfriend as I think that would give him a boost but even though some of the girls have literally chased him, he’s not convinced they are genuine. Its a tough one :(

This is going to sound counterintuitive, but I would say that the important thing is to actually stop talking about the way he looks altogether. If you are asked to pass comment on his appearance say 'You look very handsome, but it's the least interesting thing about you.'

He could be the best looking man on the planet, but still think he's not good enough because it's not about how looks, it's about the value he places on how he looks and how he feels about that. He needs help to adjust his viewpoint so that he starts to see the other things that people value in humans.

I recently did and interview for my podcast about Looksmaxxing, which is one of the dominant hashtags on social media at the moment. We parents don't see it but all the boys are aware of it, and I suspect your son is too. Looksmaxxing is a way of increasing your SMV, or sexual market value. It emphasises the way boys look as a way of determining their value. It can have a really positive impact, but also result in very narrow thinking, incel culture, and even an obsession with looks to the point of wanting surgery etc.

I would be worried that he's gone down that rabbit hole and become stuck, thinking too much about his looks rather than seeing his value as a whole. My interviewee, Mike Nicholson of Progressive Masculinity, tours school talking with boys about masculinity. He stressed that we parents need to be having open disucssions about what these messages are saying about them and their value, where the messages are getting it wrong (or cynically trying to influence and sell things) and explaining how real 'success' in life is linked to emotional connection and other things we do, rather than simply how we look.

I hope this has helped.

This is amazing, thank you so much. This makes so much sense, I need to research.

I love the points by @Screamingabdabz My daughter told me that when she was younger she spent a lot of time worrying about the way she looked, but has only recently realised that she was looking at influencers on social media and being unhappy that she didn't look like them. Unfortunately, our kids are looking at adults and thinking there's something wrong with them for not having that body/face etc. when, in reality, it's not possible because their body is going through a huge stage of transformation and will change dramatically over that period of time.

It can be really helpful to point out the difference to them because she said it didn't occur to her until she turned 18!