D’s has left home

[Whatnow98888]

My Ds (18) left home recently to move to another turn about 1.5 hrs away for work. He did really well to get the job, has made new friends and is enjoying his life.
I am very happy about this but… I miss the life we used to have and he seems so distant in his texts now and sends brief messages then disappears until the next brief message. I have seen him for a few hours a few times which he seemed keen to do but recently is more distant.
I know he’s not missing home or me at all - which in most ways I’m relieved about. I’ve been a single mum to him for about 8 years so I guess the impact of him going is more. It’s like the life he had at home means nothing anymore and I know that sounds dramatic. I don’t want to talk to him about it as I don’t want him feeling he has a duty to be more chatty.
Anyone else been through this?

Although I can understand your sadness, I think you have to take comfort from the fact you have raised a resilient, independent young man who has the confidence to strike out into the world.

The fact you are not hearing much from him is probably a good sign that he's happy.

Why not arrange to meet up once a month for lunch? Then you aren't putting too much pressure on him but are maintaining your relationship.

Ah op, I'm a single mum to a 2 yo and honestly I'd be lying if I said I don't think about this at times and how hard I'd find it even though I want him to grow up and chase all of his dreams!

I think that's really normal that you miss him and the thing to remember is that it's only different for him because he's got lots of new and exciting things to focus on, whereas for you everything is the same just without him close by. So I recommend you address that. Take on new hobbies, get a pet, travel a bit, make a point of socialising more, build yourself a fulfilling routine and maybe try to schedule time in with him so you know when you'll next see him?

It sounds like he's doing really well because you've raised a confident, sociable, independent young man and this is the next natural step in that. Your feelings are valid, you just need to lean in to it, let yourself feel your feelings without judgement and focus on yourself and bringing joy into your life where you can and you will adjust to this over time. Hopefully it'll just make the times where you see him all the more lovely.

@Lavender14 thank you very much for your kind words. I have seen him a few times but he doesn’t seem yo like to plan ahead - I’m guessing in case anything with friends comes up and he doesn’t want to miss out. I guess it doesn’t help that I have some medical treatment coming up snd would love to have someone to accompany me /to talk to about it but there’s no one

It’s like the life he had at home means nothing anymore and I know that sounds dramatic

It's because he has the luxury (like my DD) of being able to taken home utterly for granted. He has the confidence to live and work miles away because he knows home will always be there when he needs it. Well done, OP.

But please tell him that you need him to be there for you during this medical treatment. It's part of your social contract as a family.

All the best.

@DaysinSun thank you 😊
Id love him to come with me but he’s so new to his job he seems reluctant to ask for a day off. I also feel guilty if he has to use up his annual leave for me.

Do you remember when you left home? How much thought did you give to your parents or did you just embrace your new life?

When DS2 left home (properly, not just uni and he's the first to leave) I looked back on when I left home and suddenly realised how my parents must have felt. Especially as I was the last and thus left them with an empty nest!

I've managed to focus on the excitement my DS must have been feeling to get his own place (over 170 miles away!). He still comes home.

I have also been a single mum since he was 5 so we've all been very close.

In the kindest way, while he is so young and just moved out I would only get him to join you for fun things.
Medical appointments etc are not really things a teenager or young adult wants to be discussing with their parent. That is for sharing with friends.
DH will talk to his Mum about her medical stuff but finds it frustrating if that is all they talk about (as sometimes happens) and he is 52! She has been single since he was a teenager and really doesn't like it when she uses him to talk to things that would normally only be talked to by a partner or friends.

I completely get your feelings but just wanted to say well done for raising a confident, independent and happy young man that you’ve waved off into the world

there’s men twice his age that have failed to launch so you should be genuinely proud of yourself

@Moonlightstars yes I agree so I’m kind of going to keep it to a minimum and maybe just ask him to come come for a weekend afterwards.
i have no friends/other family who would come with me.

@SoupDragon thank you. I remember leaving but mine was in very bad circumstances and never went back

I hope it goes OK and isn't anything too bad. 💐
I agree with@cheerfulaf its actually a rarity to have such a brilliantly independent young person and shows you must have done something right!

Maybe part of my sadness is thinking he moved out because he was unhappy like I did many years ago.

Oh bless you. Lots of good advice here, but no-one has yet commented on your statement that you have no friends or family. That's tough - but a separate issue. One to address soon.

Making new friends before your medical appointment is probably impractical. You could ask the hospital if they have an advocacy/befriending service - sometimes voluntary organisations might provide someone who can go along with you, make notes, have a coffee afterwards. But if not, keep on posting here where you will get fabulous advice and sympathy - the vipers at their best. And then have a think about how you are going to start to meet people in real life and start to make friends as you go into this new phase of life.

@Notquitegrownup2 thank you for your kind words 😊

keep on posting here where you will get fabulous advice and sympathy - the vipers at their best

Fab idea 💐

We've got your back, OP.

I think about this too. Mine is a teenager and I lie awake thinking about how much I’ll miss him!

But the alternative is having adult children who cannot think for themselves. My two sisters are in their 40s, both married and both have children and one of them text my dad 30 x a day while he’s trying to enjoy his retirement.
The neediness is suffocating. My other sister goes from bad disaster to another to another to another & cannot solve any problem without my mum rushing to the rescue. Literally!

I know you miss him OP but you’ve been an amazing parent! You should be proud of yourself. ☺️💐

That could be it. Remind yourself that you've raised an independent young man who is now off living his life - hopefully to the full!

It’s like the life he had at home means nothing anymore

It has given him a strong foundation.

Your son sounds fantastic, OP, and a credit to you. He's doing exactly what he should, and getting on with his life. So refreshing after reading about all the 20 somethings still dossing about at home and expecting their parents to wait on them hand and foot. Just be be proud of him.

Thank you so very much for all the lovely comments 🙏