Losing perspective. Would these things worry you?

[1newname]

I've been dealing with this stuff for so long I'm struggling to trust my judgement. 18 year old ds is addicted to weed. He smokes daily, sometimes from the morning. He doesn't want to get a normal job as he doesn't want to have a boss and earns money from selling stuff on eBay and doing occasional labouring work. He doesn't have a girlfriend or go out much with friends and at times spends days in his room. His hygiene is not great. We caught him smoking weed in his room again last night after many, many arguments about this. He doesn't seem to have much empathy and is quite unpleasant sometimes.

I'm so down and regularly end up in tears. I honestly have no idea how to deal with this. I've threatened to kick him out because of behaviour but he won't leave and I'm not going to leave him on the street. He acts like this is all normal, compares his weed addiction to my coffee addiction (I drink 3 cups a day) and basically can't understand why we are so stressed. I feel like I'm going mad. Please be kind as I really can't take too much harshness right now. Thanks

I'm sorry. I do believe you need to be firm here. On his last chance then out. This is your home he treats it with respect or he leaves. Tough love.

Yikes, this is very stressful for you. Firstly, there's been a growing problem with young men who stay home and don't have any interest in getting a job. Dr Leonard Sachs talks about it in his books about boys.

I would say that you need to set some firm boundaries. He's 18, so should be old enough to pay his own way or be in full time education, not sitting around smoking weed. Firstly, why did he start weed? What is he masking? Where are his friends? Does he go out and spend time with others? Are they all online?

I'm a fan of trying to find really positive options to motivate young adults. Talk with him about things that he might enjoy doing and that he could be good at. Does he have any interests in having a girlfriend or boyfriend? Does he have any hobbies or things that would make him want to strive?

Show him the data about weed, which is connected with psychosis. In fact, the strength of weed now is way more than it was in the 70's and something he should not be indulging in on the daily.

I combine the positive, trying to get him motivated and dreaming about options, with reality. Sit him down with a pile of the bills you pay and tell him he needs to explain how he is going to start contributing to the household. I did an interview for my podcast with a man called Ken Rabow who deals with 'failure to launch' kids. He said he always starts with the sleep wake cycle of young adults. Without a set routine in this area there can be no real progress on the other fronts. He needs structure and expectations.

I would explain to your son how important all of these things are and that staying at home in perpetuity isn't an option. He needs to get up by a certain time every day and show you a plan for making enough to live. You need to figure out what consequences you can use should he not comply. Where does he get his food, money for weed? How does he pay for anything? Figure out what things you can withdraw until he shows you his plan and explain the path to resuming those benefits.

Good luck!

He started smoking with his friends at 15. He spends a lot of time in his room on his own, would like a girlfriend. I did explain bills etc to him and told him he'd have to start paying £300 a month for living. He seemed to understand and agreed (this was our attempt to get him to get a job as he said he wanted to spend a year doing nothing). Then he changed his mind, said we were grabby, he's only 18 etc and just point blank refuses. He doesn't want to get a job that means he has to get up early. He acts like working for someone else is for idiots. I'm struggling to be civil with him at the moment.

Get him some proper careers advice through Morrisby or similar. If gaming is his passion maybe he could explore gaming careers? He needs a career in something that interests him. Maybe an afternoon evening night job? In your shoes I’d turn the WiFi off when he’s not earning cash and not doing his part to run the house. Also contact the NEETs team and ask if they can offer mentoring/support/advice.

My 18yo needed a significant amount of me doing it for him hand holding in the process of getting a job.

He didn't know:

• where to look for to find jobs
• what search terms to use
• how frequently to look
• what he might be good at
• how to fill an application form
• how to sell himself in application questions
• how to behave in interviews

The whole lot basically. I did the whole lot for him. When I look back now, I woefully underestimated how much of this kind of prep work school gave him. He had no knowledge of anything to do with getting a job.

So just saying "you need to get a job" may well be so much of an overwhelming and seemingly unobtainable task that he gives up without even trying.

I agree with @LittleHangleton who said he needs way more support getting work. The jobs market can look daunting and his reaction may well be fear. If he doesn't try then he doesn't fail.

Dr Leonard Saxx talks about the 'culture' that seems to have sprung up which supports teens thinking they don't have to do anything to be of use; that somehow it's fine to simply take a year off and hang out. He says no civilization in history has ever thrived with people who consider this an option. There is a book called Do Hard Things written by 17 year old boys, (it's very Christian so not for everyone) in which they sum up that teenagers nowadays are living in a society where the maximum expected of them is closer to the bare minimum we should expect.

Since you've already talked to him about the cost of living I would focus on giving him the sense that what you really care about is not the money but his person journey and growth. Sit him down and brainstorm all of the things he wants out of life. What does he want his life to look like aged 25? Start with very small things that need to be put in place in order for him to achieve. He needs structure and goals. He needs influence from positive males who can show him how they did it. Is there anyone who springs to mind?

Often, getting started on work is the hardest part, so he needs you to focus on creating structure and routine that will move him on from where he is. Ask him why he's smoking weed and what he's hiding from.

There's a very real crisis going on for young men across the Western world, because they feel inconsequential and don't know how to become part of society. They lack the skills and support needed. Sadly, we parents need to do the heavy lifting to get them launched.

Thanks for your replies 🙂.

So far we have helped him with his CV, helped him apply for jobs, got him to sign on for UC in the hope the jobcentre would help him (he just sees this as free money), sent him jobs he could apply for. He doesn't want to work for someone. His new scheme is stealing the electric bit off e bikes and making new ones to sell. I can't talk to him right now. I'm so upset and worn down I just want him to move out and get a taste of reality. Nothing we do or say has any effect.

He seems to have absolutely no respect for us. We caught him smoking in his room and he's just oh I couldn't be bothered to go to the garden.

So he's using illegal drugs and selling stuff from your home?? FFS kick him out!!

No respect for anyone else either if he's selling stuff he steals!

This was my brother. My parents also "couldn't see him on the streets" - it did not end well and all 3 suffered greatly for many years as a result.

Are you happy to go on like this for 5 more years? 10? 20? Because the longer you do, the worse it will be for him when you finally do have enough.

The prime's trust (now the king's trust) do a lot of courses and support for people like this.

www.kingstrust.org.uk

It sounds like he has lost his way a lot.

How did he do at school? Does he have any GCSEs? Did he go onto college? What courses did he do?

If he's had experience of failure it can be very difficult to persuade him to get back up and try again. If he has any skills - building sure work etc - then he might be able to build on that.

First of all, this is not your fault! Please look after yourself, there are a lot of mums in very similar positions and it sounds like you are trying to find solutions. Sending hugs. Secondly, I would provide an ultimatum. Explain that if he wants to have his own business he can but for now he needs a job to pay some rent or he will not be able to stay. Perhaps if he has an idea for his own business you could offer to help him set up on tbe condition he gets a ‘normal’ job first and pays some rent. As for the weed, put a smoke detector in his room