Teen not telling me where he’s going

[Fififizz]

As the title says. 15 year old DS with SEN isn’t telling me where he’s going. I try to have the rule I need to
know where you are who you’re with for your safety. He says he’s going out on his bike and ‘doesn’t know’ where he’s going. He’s ASC and sometimes I think this is true and he’s just going out on his bike for a cycle round but other times I think he’s meeting up with others. I just can’t seem to get through to him I need to know and I’m not trying to stop him going out. Help please. Thanks

Surely the rule is ‘you are not going out if you don’t know where?” alternatively he has to let you install Life 360 on his phone so you can track him.

Plenty of apps, air tags, safety tracker on Garmin watches you can turn on when exercising alone for friends and family that can be turned off when you are done etc if he'll agree to it. If he doesn't you are a bit stuck.

I thought life 360 was the answer but he has an oldish phone and claimed it drained the battery. Maybe I need to re-explore this. He tells me stuff about his tech that sometimes is accurate and sometimes isn’t.

This is one of those "pick your battles" moments. If you are not trying to stop him going out then why do you need to know? If it's just for general interest and to make conversation then is "I'm going on a cycle ride roughly in this area" enough of an answer?

I think often teens generally don't know where they are going as they just wander about or make a spontaneous decision. The danger is that if you push too much you will shut down lines of communication.

@Rocknrollstar
I thought the same i.e. that if you’re not able to say where you’re going you don’t go but it’s difficult to enforce that at 15 and I want to try and be open about stuff and not encourage lying and sneaking around. It’s difficult as sometimes I genuinely think it is just a cycle to wherever he feels to go but at other times I’m not so sure. To say we have a difficult relationship is an understatement unfortunately. The ASC is really hard to understand as he processes things differently, doesn’t see danger/unreasonableness of his position etc. He’s just suggested I allow him to go skiing alone and stay in a youth hostel ffs. I’ve pointed out the obvs pitfalls and safety issues being alone on slopes if he for starters if he had an accident etc and why it can’t happen and now I’m the bad guy because in his mind it’s doable! 🙈

@redskydarknight
I just feel for his safety I should know where he is. Due to his ASC he’s made poor choices about certain things and it’s not even I’m going round the block it’s just ‘I dunno where I’m going’ which sometimes may be true but it’s becomes a line he trots out and so I’m concerned we’re moving further away from the ideal of saying where he’s going and who he’s with. The latter part is another concern as friends are few due again to the ASC and he’s chatting to ppl online which he isn’t open about either. I’m just anxious about everything and feeling like a rubbish mum.

I'm not sure it's practical to know in advancewhere a teen is at every point though.

For example, my DS might tell me he is going to Chris' house, but on the way to Chris' house, Chris messages him and says that they are actually meeting at Josh's house. So they go to Josh's house for a bit, and then they decide to go to Tesco to get some snacks, and then go to the park and eat them. And then DS walks halfway back to Chris' house as they are chatting, before coming home.

Is it reasonable for him to keep me appraised of every step of this outing? No. DS and I have a general understanding about what he does, the sorts of places he habitually goes and who he generally is with. And he does tell me in more detail when he gets home, which is my opportunity to then discuss situations that might be of concern.

@redskydarknight
Thanks. Yes I get what you’re saying and it’s not reasonable to have no flexibility whatsoever hence my saying that sometimes he genuinely doesn’t know where he’s going. But the scenario you’re describing with your son just isn’t like that for me. He’s not open, doesn’t have friendships or friends who’s houses he visits, doesn’t have places he habitually goes to and so when he’s out I really don’t know where he is or what he’s likely to be doing. Hence my worrying about it.

I have three kids and my rule was (still is even though they are adults but living in my house), "tell me where you are going, who you are going with and when you will be back. If you will be later then promised text me to let me know." Sometimes it worked sometimes it did not. That is all I have to say. 😩

Parenting is hard these days.