DD15 refusing school

[captivate]

Hi all, I am hoping for some advice and thoughts on what to do about the situation.

DD15 is academically capable, presents as much older and more mature than her age, but is very emotionally immature.

At home she has always been a handful. We had her assessed for Autism when she was younger and they said she had some traits but they didn't feel she met the criteria.

Throughout primary school her teachers would comment on poor concentration, poor organisation skills, and towards the end of primary there were some comments being made about her attitude towards authority but it was never bad enough for there to be any real intervention or consequences. On the whole she generally muddled along, had friends and was polite.

At home was a different story. She has always been cheeky, disrespectful, rude, aggressive, selfish, horrible with her words and I have mainly bore the brunt of that. I have absorbed it mostly. I am only human and of course there have been times where I have shouted back, but on the whole I have tried to be the calm and steady landing pad for her struggles and big emotions. I have love bombed. I have ignored bad behaviour and praised good. I have put consequences in place. Nothing works for long.

Now she is in her GCSE year and she is refusing to go to school. I think this is a combination of a fear of failure and just low mood in general. I suspect she could have ADHD but up to now she has been adamant that she doesn't want to see the doctor and doesn't want to be assessed.

The situation with school has got so bad that I have overruled and have made an appointment with the doctor and I will get her on the waiting list for assessment and see what they recommend in the meantime. I have also arranged a meeting with the school next week.

The thing I want advice on is the fact that she will say the direct opposite of what she thinks or what is the objective truth. Recently we discussed what to do for her birthday and I had an idea for something she and I could do together. She rubbished it. But now her birthday is getting closer she is asking why we aren't doing that thing even though she was very clear that she didn't want to. That is just one example but this happens all the time.

The other thing is that she keeps saying that she doesn't want to go to school because it's boring and she already knows everything and she can teach herself. When that is simply not true. She is very capable but there are subjects she does struggle with (mostly because she has convinced herself she can't so she doesn't try). Is this some kind of defence mechanism or is she actually delusional?

She is constantly reassured that there is no such thing as failure with her GCSEs. If she doesn't pass she can resit maths and English. All we ask of her is that she tries her best. She does talk about courses after this year and seems to have plans and goals.

I don't know how to help her. I have tried helping her get more organised, helping her stay on top of her room because she struggles with keeping it clean and then gets overwhelmed. We have talked about what is going on in school that she's avoiding but she says there is nothing. Mostly she just tries to find any reason why it's my fault or at the very least not her fault as to why she's not going to school.

Have any of you been through this and found something that worked? What do I do?

Thanks in advance!

My Y11 DD is ASD and waiting for ADHD diagnosis which is unlikely to arrive before she finishes school. She finds school very stressful and the never ending pressure to get 10+ GCSEs has meant she's had way too many days off school. She just refuses point blank to go. School are aware and have been useless.

I have taken the pressure off her by looking at college courses and showing her that she actually only needs 4 GCSEs to get onto the course she wants to do. And that course is all assessment only - so these GCSEs are likely to be the last exams she'll ever have to do.

I've told her she doesn't need to get high grades... and if she doesn't get a pass in English and maths she can retake alongside the course she wants to take.

This more relaxed approach has helped. She does zero revision - she just cannot do it. So I've paid for an English and maths tutor, which she enjoys. It's not cheap but she's responding well to 1-1 sessions and is visibly more relaxed.

I've found talking to colleges about the support they provide really heartening. It's all very different to school and I think/hope next September will be a fresh start for us all.

Mine also refuses blood tests. Short of multiple people holding her down (if I can even get her to an appointment) any ideas?
She takes iron tablets-is it worth giving other supplements as well?

Hi there not sure if you’re still active on hear but I need some advice as my 15 year old daughter sounds very similar to yours and I wondered if you had any positive updates? Struggling to get any support from school , social services or any support service. Thanks

You've told her there's no such thing as failing her GCSEs which perhaps isn't true. She knows it's not true. So there's no option to contain the anxiety around failure. A better message is perhaps failure is normal. It's not failure that is the problem. You get up and recover. Everyone fails sometimes.

Aside from that, it's very difficult. I have huge sympathy. This age is properly hard. Sometimes they don't get out of bed :/

Also can you be more 'bored'. Even if inside you're chewing your hand as it were. You sound quite involved - in the nicest possible way. Like with the birthday... You sort of fell for it in a way - her saying she didn't want to go... Maybe ignore some of the bitchiness. 'ok dear' and book it anyway. Girls. Eyeroll.

I am only noticing now that this thread was revived.

The update is mixed. After I posted this thread nothing improved and by the end of November 2024 she was completely refusing school and her mental health was really bad. We had the Christmas break and I got her in to private counselling first thing in January. She tried to go back to school after Christmas but did one day and that was it. By February the school were suggesting she not put in for the exams at all. So we made the decision to pull her out altogether.

The education authority attendance officers discharged her as she was in year 12 (we are in NI) and there was no other support offered.

We took her to the GP where she was referred to the mental health nurse who made things worse and patronised her. Telling her that she has to go to school and to try mindful colouring. Honestly I had no words for that.

The GP was reluctant to prescribe anything and eventually, after I got her dad to argue it (misogyny is alive and well) he prescribed propranolol which she took but it didn't really help.

Eventually, again after more arguing, the mental health nurse put in a referral for another autism assessment and ADHD assessment. She did the eye tracking test (can't remember what that is called) and they said she was in normal parameters. So that was the end of that. We ended up not even pursuing the autism assessment as DD was not willing anymore.

The therapy worked though, as did removing the pressure of school. And she tried to return to do a catch up year in September 2025, but she wasn't able to keep that going either.

She got a job in June 2025 and has been working there and holding that down since, and we will revisit her getting qualifications at college or part time in the future.

Overall, although she has no GCSEs and I do worry about that, her mental health has vastly improved, she is working, our relationship is better too. So things have got better. She will just take a different path to qualifications and she has loads of time to do it.

I do feel let down by the services that should have helped or supported. We were just left to it and it was only that we could afford to pay for private counselling that we didn't have a full mental health crisis on our hands.